Anyway, cheer up Angie. A wedding is a great way to bring families together. Why it would be a great way for Brad’s mom, and your dad, Jon Voight, to get in a little quality time together. Stoning you with rocks and calling you The Whore of Babylon as you walk down the aisle. Also, there will be cake.
Dear TvGasm, Dude, I’m totally hooking up with Jackie, can you believe it?
Signed, Charlie Who?
Dear Ashton Kutcher, um no Chief Broseph I really can’t. I mean let’s just take a look at this chain of events.
You get caught on the night of your much older wife’s birthday, literally balls deep and condom free in some skank who is young enough to be The Missus’s daughter. and your marriage goes in the toilet. So what karmic penalty do you get hit with? You get paid $750,000 an episode to be the object of Jon Cryer gay panic jokes on 2 1/2 Men, and you get to go out with Mila Kunis. Look, I don’t know how you got a hold of naked pictures of Satan, and God only knows what he’s doing in them, I just know you are certainly getting your money’s worth out of them.
Dear TvGasm, I don’t need any advice, I just wanted make sure you were aware that Madonna dresses like “a fairground stripper,” and “her career is over, and it couldn’t happen to a bigger c**t.”
Signed, Yes This Is My Real Hair What? Underarm Hair Counts As Real Hair
Hey, The Pillsberry Doughboy made the pep squad!
Dear Sir Elton John, Whoa, take a deep breath there cowboy. Yes Madonna looks like Kathleen Helman about a quarter of the way through the movie Brazil, and I really think the MDMA tour is actually just a way for Lordes to have a normal teen aged experience of being completely embarrassed by her mom’s behavior in public, and yes, she’s been horrible to Lady Gaga. That being said, I think all of you kids need to learn to get along, because you’re all about 10 years away from playing a triple bill in Branson Missouri. Say hi to Kenny Rogers for me when you get there!
Dear TvGasm, Alotta people are squawking about my husband making some jokeses on an episode of my TV show, and how I should leave him. That’s just crazy talk because he’s the father of my kids, and besides, he’s funny, like Lucy, and we did it in a wine orchard, so he must love me, right?
Dear Ingredientes…Dear Ingredients…Teresa! Yoo hoo! over here sweetie! Put down that piece of string. you don’t know where it’s been
Look, let’s get this out of the way, right up front. You and Joe can never, ever, Ever, breakup. Not because he loves you, because even characters in an early Guy Richie movie don’t use the C word as often as your husband does when talking about you. And not because he’s funny, or just joking, because Joe Gudice is about as funny as a crushed testicle. And not because he is the father of your kids. I mean, well he is, but because like wafflemom always used to say, “it takes two people to make a baby with an extra chromosome.” No,you two can’t break up because nobody else in the world is horrible enough to have to be stuck with either one of you.