By WaffleBoy | Monday, August 27, 2012 | 8:00 am | 22 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Dear TVgasm, Watercooler

Anyway, cheer up Angie. A wedding is a great way to bring families together. Why it would be a great way for Brad’s mom, and your dad, Jon Voight, to get in a little quality time together. Stoning you with rocks and calling you The Whore of Babylon as you walk down the aisle. Also, there will be cake.

 

 

Dear TvGasm, Dude, I’m totally hooking up with Jackie, can you believe it?

Signed, Charlie Who?

 

 

Dear Ashton Kutcher, um no Chief Broseph I really can’t. I mean let’s just take a look at this chain of events.

You get caught on the night of your much older wife’s birthday, literally balls deep and condom free in some skank who is young enough to be The Missus’s daughter. and your marriage goes in the toilet. So what karmic penalty do you get hit with? You get paid $750,000 an episode to be the object of Jon Cryer gay panic jokes on 2 1/2 Men, and you get to go out with Mila Kunis. Look, I don’t know how you got a hold of naked pictures of Satan, and God only knows what he’s doing in them, I just know you are certainly getting your money’s worth out of them.

 

 Dear TvGasm,  I don’t need any advice, I just wanted make sure you were aware that Madonna dresses like “a fairground stripper,” and “her career is over, and it couldn’t happen to a bigger c**t.”

Signed, Yes This Is My Real Hair What? Underarm Hair Counts As Real Hair

Hey, The Pillsberry Doughboy made the pep squad! 

Dear Sir Elton John, Whoa, take a deep breath there cowboy. Yes Madonna looks like Kathleen Helman about a quarter of the way through the movie Brazil, and I really think the MDMA tour is actually just a way for Lordes to have a normal teen aged experience of being completely embarrassed by her mom’s behavior in public, and yes, she’s been horrible to Lady Gaga. That being said, I think all of you kids need to learn to get along, because you’re all about 10 years away from playing a triple bill in Branson Missouri. Say hi to Kenny Rogers for me when you get there!

 

 

Dear TvGasm, Alotta people are squawking about my husband making some jokeses on an episode of my TV show, and how I should leave him. That’s just crazy talk because he’s the father of my kids, and besides, he’s funny, like Lucy, and we did it in a wine orchard, so he must love me, right? 

Signed, Ingredientses

 

 

Dear Ingredientes…Dear Ingredients…Teresa! Yoo hoo! over here sweetie!  Put down that piece of string. you don’t know where it’s been

Look, let’s get this out of the way, right up front. You and Joe can never, ever, Ever, breakup. Not because he loves you, because even characters in an early Guy Richie movie don’t use the C word as often as your husband does when talking about you. And not because he’s funny, or just joking, because Joe Gudice is about as funny as a crushed testicle. And not because he is the father of your kids. I mean, well he is, but because like  wafflemom always used to say, “it takes two people to make a baby with an extra chromosome.” No,you two can’t break up because nobody else in the world is horrible enough to have to be stuck with either one of you.

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About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

22 Comments

  1. 1
    SuburBint
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 8:19 am

    I would take Adam Duritz over Brad Pitt any day, and that includes 1998 Brad Pitt with his Abs o’Steel and Clean-Shaven Face of Glory. So fuck you, Waffleboy. Our love is dead. Dead, I tell you!

  2. 2
    msjacqmills
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 8:24 am

    This was hilarious! Thank you, Waffleboy!

  3. 3
    NotWithoutMyTV NotwithoutmyTV
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Good stuff, Waffle boy. Write on!

  4. 4
    mere2142
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 9:58 am

    I have an irrational love for Adam Duritz. Always have, always will.

    Do I have to fight you for him SuburBint?

  5. 5
    Val Detinha
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 11:46 am

    That was funny! It’s great to make fun of rich people and Teresa! :)

  6. 6
    SuburBint
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 11:52 am

    @ mere2142 — I think we can agree that whoever gets to him first gets to keep him. Assuming he agrees, of course. Which (in my case at least) he will, I bought a love spell on eBay before they outlawed such things, and I’m sure all of the chanting will pay off if I just keep at it. Really cuts into my free time, though.

  7. 7
    Fan-ann
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    “If you leave your dog under the porch long enough you can’t be too surprised when he comes out looking to get petted.”

    That is pure poetic romance, and you probably stole that line from one of Byron’s more obscure works. Or as my husband who is about half cowboy says “It doesn’t matter how beautiful that bull pasture is, if they aren’t put with the herd regularly it might as well be a Turkish prison.” Then he takes me to the Dairy Queen and treats me to a dip cone. *sigh*

  8. 8
    mere2142
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    @SuburBint – So it was you that outbid me on that spell? And all these years I’ve been trying to seduce him with hair products!

  9. 9
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    @Everybody, I’m just wondering why Angelina thinks that the Bradster is a step UP from BillyBobBaby.

    Oh, and @SuperB and @Mere2142, um, didn’t Adam tell you, um, you know, like about us and stuff?

    Oopsies.

  10. 10
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    I’ll take 1998 Brad and Adam. Who says you can’t have it all?

  11. 11
    SuburBint
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    @ mere2142 — Yes, but if you weren’t using the hair products from dreadheadhq, your efforts were all in vain.

    Not that I know that he shops there. I’m not stalking him or anything. No need to call the FBI.

    @ SSC — Nonsense! Hubbycat would send him packing in a heartbeat!

    @ Gypsy — It really chaps my ass that you would be so selfish with the menfolk. Sharing is caring, you know!

  12. 12
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    Lolz! I know that is pretty selfish of me huh? Well can we split weekends so when you have Adam, I have 1998 Brad?

  13. 13
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    @SupurB, a kitty can dream, can’t she?

    Like how you worked the (stolen) “chaps my ass” comment in,

    smeeeeooooooth.

  14. 14
    mere2142
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    If I get my hands on Adam, there will be no sharing – though I may shave his head :-)

  15. 15
    labowner
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    Are you sure none of you have dated Adam already as he seems to be a serial dater?

  16. 16
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    @mere2142, I would love to watch you shave those dreds. I believe that hedge trimmers would be more useful than barber implements.

    I’ll hold him down. Hey, what are friends for?

  17. 17
    mere2142
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    @labowner – I think I’m 15 years too old for him – he tends to date girls who just earned the right to drink legally! I don’t know if he’s dated anyone since he and Emmy Rossum broke up.

    @SSC – Thanks for helping out! I think those things need to go in the Smithsonian.

  18. 18
    SuburBint
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    If ANYBODY touches Adam’s dreads, I will hunt them down and make them pay. And I’ve watched a looooot of horror movies, so I have torture ideas for days. Leave. The. Dreads. Alone.

    Bitches.

    <3,

    SuburBint
    XOXOXO

  19. 19
    brzysmom12
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 12:48 am

    Since no one staked a claim yet I will step up to the plate and force myself to take Brad pre-1998. thankyouverymuch. No shame here.

    Waffleboy – just awesome. Nuff said

  20. 20
    WaffleBoy
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Hi guys, on the whole Adam Duritz vs. Brad Pitt thing, I just want to make everyone aware of a personality disorder I suffer from. For the record, I am , really, really, REALLY, really, really shallow. And going by who she got married to, so was Jennifer Aniston.

    Oh, and if you think Adam Duritz is the bee’s knees, then you’ll love this guy
    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2R2iUYgJWzM/TjeEvOWaS3I/AAAAAAAAAnY/bvDftIwDgY4/s1600/Sideshow-Bob.gif

    Thanks everyone for reading, and thanks for all the comments

  21. 21
    mere2142
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 8:21 am

    @SuburBint – you know they are fake, right? :-)

    @ WaffleBoy – I bet you never expected us to come to Adam’s defense. No worries – I have been called shallow on many occasions and I wear it proudly!

  22. 22
    Robin Robin
    Posted August 29, 2012 at 2:00 am

    “as my husband who is about half cowboy says “It doesn’t matter how beautiful that bull pasture is, if they aren’t put with the herd regularly it might as well be a Turkish prison.” Then he takes me to the Dairy Queen and treats me to a dip cone. *sigh*”

    If that ain’t love, then I don’t know what is..

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