Dear TvGasm: Fake Yolanda Foster

Watercooler

By WaffleBoy | Wednesday, November 28, 2012 | 12:00 pm | 12 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , ,
Posted in: Dear TVgasm, Watercooler

Hi there, I noticed in my last post that some people were not happy with Fake Yolanda Foster’s German accent. Now I can understand how something can ruin a post for a reader, and I’d like to apologize for that. As for why it happened, well, just going by how Yolanda Foster sounded on the show I invoked my right as an Ugly American to just assume she was German. I’m sorry for that, and hopefully going forward I can come up with something that will make everyone happy. In fact, I’ll get started right now.

Well, so Yolanda is Dutch, how hard can it be to be funny in Dutch? What’s Dutch for no? Niet? Well that’s easy to fix. Now how do I say sweetiepie in Dutch? Holy Cheese and Crackers, who knew you could use the letter j so many times in one word?

[The door to my mom's basement opens, and a chorus of angels sings]

Fake Yolanda Foster: Waffel-Knabe what are you doing?

Dear TvGasm: Um, well you see Fake Yolanda Foster, the real Yolanda Foster is Dutch…

FYF: Yes, Fake Yolanda Foster knows this liebchen, what is your point?

DTG: Well, people are saying that you should speak with a Dutch accent.

FYF: That is stupid. You are not stupid, are you mien little spitzhogel?

DTG: Well, I do pretty well with Jeopardy questions when the category is cartoons, so, no?

FYF: Exactly, you are not stupid waffel. So Fake Yolanda Foster will not speak der Dutch.

DTG: But some people weren’t happy, and the real Yolanda Foster is Dutch

FYF: Pffft. Fake Yolanda Foster est der fabulous. Dutch est not fabulous. What do you tink of when I say Dutch? Say nothing honigbienchen I tell you what you tink, wooden shoes, dykes, and hashish. I once do a three day photo shoot in Ibiza with Annie Liebovitz. Trust me, I know none of these things are der fabulous.

DTG: Well that wooden shoes part did cross my mind.

FYF: Of course they did. You are not stupid, schneckchen, Fake Yolanda Foster already tell you this, NIEN! Nein! schatzi NEIN! No fingernails between meals! Do you want to end up like that little ferkelloaf Kate Moss? Now be un gut little model and go practice pouting for lingerie ads. Yes that is very gut pout liebchen. Now do it in other room. Mama loves you. What were we talking about?

DTG: The Dutch aren’t fabulous?

FYF: Yes, everyone knows this.

DTG:But what about the people who weren’t happy?

FYF I tell you the same thing now that I tell husband when he cry at night because listenermann in Rolling Stone Magazine once call him “the master of bombastic kitch,” don’t let the skizzelwittzles get you down. Besides Fake Yolanda Foster wants you to keep writing.

DTG: You do?

FYF: Ja, your first love letter, it had much promise. Not as gut as husband’s, but remember he makes der muzkic tunes, and is very talented.

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About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

12 Comments

  1. 1
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted November 28, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    W iz for da Waffel en da #winning.

  2. 2
    labowner
    Posted November 28, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    “Say nothing honigbienchen I tell you what you tink, wooden shoes, dykes, and hashish”

    After laughing out loud you magnificent bastard – you forgot TULIPS. Whole post is ruined for me. Try again. :)

    And da wash yipsey

  3. 3
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted November 28, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    Dang, @Labby, ya beat me to the tulips. I thought I had a clear shot at it.

    Die hos gehangen aus die fensterwindows mit die aushangen kleine bustenhatlers shauing*

    *Don’t forget the prostitutes hanging out of windows in their lingerie.

    That probably wasn’t worth the effort.

  4. 4
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted November 28, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Da Two Lipz? Gah?

    Waffel is sari beyond werdz I iz do most certain.

  5. 5
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted November 28, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    Ouch, @Gyp : > )

    Two groaners in one comment.

  6. 6
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted November 28, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Wie schön ist der Waffel-Knabe!

    Und mir am abend! Röslein auf der Heiden!

    Freien Klompen für alles!

  7. 7
    Dutchiedevil
    Posted November 28, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Ach mein liebste Waffelknabe,

    nay, ye doot hat neet gggout (phoney phonetics…).

    Sorry, couldn’t resist. You go with the German eksent, it makes me feel a lot better if I can distance myself from little Yoli by pretending she’s German and not Dutch.

    Btw, the Dutch for no is nee (pronounced nay of neigh ;-) ). Niet is not.

    See, you learn something everyday.

    Thanks for making me laugh though!

  8. 8
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted November 28, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    нет es como se dice nein en русский

  9. 9
    labowner
    Posted November 28, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    Oh my someone call the UN stat. We have foreign language abuses happening on TVGasm.

    Thank you for the laughs everyone.

  10. 10
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted November 28, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    Ciao!

  11. 11
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted November 29, 2012 at 4:57 am

    Auf widerscreiben!

  12. 12
    NikkiHughes
    Posted November 29, 2012 at 11:43 am

    “Taylor Armstrong in a suitcase just because” ~ bwaahaahaa

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