Hi there, I noticed in my last post that some people were not happy with Fake Yolanda Foster’s German accent. Now I can understand how something can ruin a post for a reader, and I’d like to apologize for that. As for why it happened, well, just going by how Yolanda Foster sounded on the show I invoked my right as an Ugly American to just assume she was German. I’m sorry for that, and hopefully going forward I can come up with something that will make everyone happy. In fact, I’ll get started right now.
Well, so Yolanda is Dutch, how hard can it be to be funny in Dutch? What’s Dutch for no? Niet? Well that’s easy to fix. Now how do I say sweetiepie in Dutch? Holy Cheese and Crackers, who knew you could use the letter j so many times in one word?
[The door to my mom's basement opens, and a chorus of angels sings]
Fake Yolanda Foster: Waffel-Knabe what are you doing?
Dear TvGasm: Um, well you see Fake Yolanda Foster, the real Yolanda Foster is Dutch…
FYF: Yes, Fake Yolanda Foster knows this liebchen, what is your point?
DTG: Well, people are saying that you should speak with a Dutch accent.
FYF: That is stupid. You are not stupid, are you mien little spitzhogel?
DTG: Well, I do pretty well with Jeopardy questions when the category is cartoons, so, no?
FYF: Exactly, you are not stupid waffel. So Fake Yolanda Foster will not speak der Dutch.
DTG: But some people weren’t happy, and the real Yolanda Foster is Dutch
FYF: Pffft. Fake Yolanda Foster est der fabulous. Dutch est not fabulous. What do you tink of when I say Dutch? Say nothing honigbienchen I tell you what you tink, wooden shoes, dykes, and hashish. I once do a three day photo shoot in Ibiza with Annie Liebovitz. Trust me, I know none of these things are der fabulous.
DTG: Well that wooden shoes part did cross my mind.
FYF: Of course they did. You are not stupid, schneckchen, Fake Yolanda Foster already tell you this, NIEN! Nein! schatzi NEIN! No fingernails between meals! Do you want to end up like that little ferkelloaf Kate Moss? Now be un gut little model and go practice pouting for lingerie ads. Yes that is very gut pout liebchen. Now do it in other room. Mama loves you. What were we talking about?
DTG: The Dutch aren’t fabulous?
FYF: Yes, everyone knows this.
DTG:But what about the people who weren’t happy?
FYF I tell you the same thing now that I tell husband when he cry at night because listenermann in Rolling Stone Magazine once call him “the master of bombastic kitch,” don’t let the skizzelwittzles get you down. Besides Fake Yolanda Foster wants you to keep writing.
DTG: You do?
FYF: Ja, your first love letter, it had much promise. Not as gut as husband’s, but remember he makes der muzkic tunes, and is very talented.