Dear TVgasm: Guy Fieri

(This week Dear TvGasm, your best source for completely spurious made up advice to TV celebrities who wouldn’t talk to us on a bet, checks in with the number one chef in America. Well the number one chef who can wolf down a chili dog in one bite, Guy Fieri)

Dear TvGasm, Corncob, it’s been a brutal week. Brew-TAL  broham. I’m tots getting picked on. This poindexter with the local dollar saver is massively hating on my new resturant.  Don’t get wrong brah-migo, when you are a big time TV chef like yours truly, you are used to getting the very occasional bad review. It’s a learning experience.

Do you think Donkey Sauce was totally perfect the first time I served it? Well, of course it was. That’s a bad example. I’d eat a baby dipped in Donkey Sauce. Well, not literally. Well maybe literally, but I mean only if the chips were like super down. Like at three in the morning, when all the drive thru’s are closed.  Mmm, nothings better than late night babies. Wait, what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, that newsie hated on my restaurant. I could tell he was totally trying to ghost on my flava train. I was tots right to call him on it, right?

Signed, It Doesn’t Get Better Than Babies and Donkey Sauce. 

Dear Guy Fieri, hmmm, a hater question. I’m going to have to turn to our TvGasm Celebrity Hater Judge. Well Judge do you think Guy F-stop has been the victim of celebrity hating?

 The Judge Has Spoken!

 Smirking Meme Leonardo DiCaprio has ruled! Duder, you are so getting hated on. It’s obvious this tool just couldn’t handle your swag bro. Who was this joker anyway? Pete Wells? Totally sounds like some little wimp blogging from his mama’s basement. What? He’s the New York Time’s Dining Editor? And he’s received five journalism awards from the James Beard Foundation? Pfft, print is dead! You won the second season of The Next Food Network Star. Did Pete Wells prove he had a more TV personality than Reggie Sutherland,  or Carrisa Seward? Hell, Pete Wells doesn’t even have the swag of Jess Dang!

What’s this word typer’s problem? Okay, so the hostess told him to wander around a 500 seat restaurant to find his friends, some of the items he and his friends ordered never showed up, and most of the food was cold and/or overly sweet. He got donkey sauce right? Dude sounds a little nit picky to me brah.

Doesn’t this jackwagon own a TV? You’re Guy Freaking Fieri! Without you, America would have no idea there is some awesome dive in middle America making hand crafted sliders with homemade bread that will let Guy Fieri wander around their kitchen in flip flops? (For Dear TvGasm knowing which restaurants to avoid is just as important as knowing which ones are really good)