Dear TVgasm: Guy Fieri

Watercooler

By WaffleBoy | Monday, November 19, 2012 | 12:00 pm | 8 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Dear TVgasm, Recaps, Watercooler

Does any other chef in America have a pepper shaker this big? What? No, Guy Fieri is not compensating for a tiny penis!

Hell, you’re the man who invented Donkey Sauce. Doesn’t he know how confident a chef has to be to make a sauce that upon hearing its name, the first thing to enter the diner’s mind is the image of a donkey ejaculating? Do you think Auguste Escoffier would have had the huevos to come up with Donkey Sauce? Hellz non, mon ami.

You had to call him out Chief Broseph of the Frosted Tips. My god, you are a national treasure, Guy Fieri! If Shenanigans from Office Space was an actual restaurant, you would not only be its owner/executive chef/corporate director of flair, you would be its warrior/priest/king. If Justin Bieber’s leather pants were ever hungry, they would demand Unyawns Cajun Chicken Ciabattas and wash them down with Jimmy Fallon Creamsicle cocktails.

 

Check out Guy Fieri’s bitching Ferrari, which is in no way compensating for a tiny penis 

You need to rise above this weak sauce hate Guy Fieri, and just keep doing your thing, because I can think of no other chef in America who was more meant to herd hundreds of out of town yokels into a giant tourist trap and charge them about three times what they would pay to get the same type of food at their local Applebee’s. You’re doing God’s work Guy Fieri, stay strong.

 

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About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

8 Comments

  1. 1
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted November 19, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    What depresses me about the state of humanity is that there are some people who do not think Guy Fieri is a douche. This is the world we live in.

  2. 2
    wcsdancer
    Posted November 19, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    ITA, @crankyguy. Love the premise of DDD, but have a hard time getting past this douchewad.

    Hahahaha, my captcha code is: good riddance. Exactly how I’d feel if he disappeared from my TV.

  3. 3
    MissKris RTVfan
    Posted November 19, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Duuuuude, it’s Guy Fee-eddddy.

  4. 4
    Riley
    Posted November 19, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    People say there’s always a moment where you realize your parents are just humans, and that they will frustrate and disappoint you.

    That moment was when my dad told me he really likes Guy Fieri.

  5. 5
    eyediosmio eyediosmio
    Posted November 20, 2012 at 8:14 am

    I’ve hated this guy ever since I saw him on tv, with his bleached blond hair and his glasses on his head BACKWARDS. Drives me nuts. Grrrrr.

  6. 6
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted November 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    Oh @Crank. I too weep for humanity.

    Well, dude did ask for help from DTG.

    He did, didn’t he?

    Well, didn’t he?

  7. 7
    WaffleBoy
    Posted November 20, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    @ Snowshoecat did he ask for my help. Sure, in a voices in my head kind of way, absolutely.

  8. 8
    Melissa Wray
    Posted November 21, 2012 at 9:49 am

    Should I count myself lucky that I had no idea that Guy Frosted-Tips actually HAD a restaurant of his own?

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