Dear TvGasm: Jersey Shore

(This week on Dear TvGasm we get ready for the final season of Jersey Shore. Not by answering any questions related to the actual season, because nothing has actually happened on this show for about three seasons now. No, over the next few weeks Dear TvGasm will get a head start on giving advice to the castmates for what to do with their lives after the series is finally over.)

Dear TvGasm, Yeah boy! It’s going to be huge! Platinium GTL 4 evah baby! I’m going to be a multi-platform super brand! Reality shows, scripted shows, movies, and 3-D cartoons! I’m gonna have TWO holograms ! We’ll get Unit one too. Well at least a cardboard cut out. Anyway whatever the situation, The Situation’s situation is gonna be an awesome situation for The Situation.

PS Situation!

Signed, I’m 29. Really. Why Are You Laughing?

 I See… I see a red velvet rope in your future

Dear The Situation, Ah my wrinkled little Snitzchela, you have so much to look forward to: rehab, not getting into restaurants without a reservation, more rehab, being snubbed in a club by Corey Feldman, court ordered rehab, for realzies rehab, and that whole process known as “going through bankruptcy.” (It’ a Jersey thing, you’ll like it.)

As for the holograms? Yeah, let’s not count on that. I hate to break it to you buddy, but you peaked with that weird PSA you did on Dancing With The Stars with Bristol Palin that was for both abstinence, and safe sex.

Oh sit down! I just had a brainstorm. Bristol Palin is single, and you are the Johnny Appleseed of Chlamydia can’t seem to hang on to a steady girlfriend. What if you two became a celebrity couple? I mean, hello, Levi Johnston, so we know she likes assholes.

This could be beyond awesome, especially the very special Thanksgiving episode of Cops where we get to see Sarah Palin hauled away in handcuffs shrieking bleeped out obscenities after attempting to beat you to death with a 28 pound butterball turkey. Oh please think about this. It would be great, and besides you have the rest of your life to go to rehab.

Dear TvGasm, so it’s like this. They have these things called cameras, and they film things, and well they ain’t gonna be filming us anymore. Cabs are here!

Signed, But Me and Paulie Get To Keep Sleeping In The Same Room, Right?

Dear Vinny, Oh Scarecrow, I’m going to miss you most of all. Just promise me one little thing Vinny. Please go back to law school and get your JD. That way I’ll be able to giggle my mother f-ing ass off every time Caroline Monzo starts in about how smart Albie is.

 Vincent Guadagnino, Attorney at Law, Hey it could happen!

Dear TvGasm, are you worried what’s going to happen to me after the show is over?

Signed, Jennifer Farley

Let’s get the goldfish back in the bowl, STAT!

Dear JWoww, nope, not really.I know I should say something mean and snakry here, but you come across as that magical unicorn. Someone who has grown as a person while being on a reality show. You seem like a fairly normal person in their mid-20’s. Granted you’re usually standing next to Snookie, but keep it up, and you’ll do fine. Well definitely finer than Mike. Just ease off the Restylane and eat a sandwich. You’re starting to look like a surprised cat with a shaved face.