Dear TvGasm: Kim Kardashian

(This week on Dear TvGasm we check in with America’s newest celebrity baby mama, Kim Kardashian. And as we all know when you see one Kardashian, you can just bet that more are going to show up. My mom says they breed in between the walls. Wait, that’s roaches. Anyway, let the completely fake and made up give and take begin.)

By the way, this is completely off the topic, but has anyone seen Pepe LePew lately?

Dear TvGasm, okay, so I’m like pregnant and super excited about it, because I love cute and cuddly things. You know, like that kitten Kayne got me. Sure, I gave it away, and it had to be put down, but we took some cute photos together. And then there was that monkey I got. Well I had to get rid of that too, but they poop and bite, and when was the last time you heard about a baby doing that? Anyway, I’m super excited and mom says that Ryan Seacrest is buying a hysterocscope, what ever the hell that is.

Signed,Kim Kardashian

Dear Kimmie, so you finally proved birth control was too mentally taxing for you, are expecting! how exciting, Im sure we’re all looking forward to you bringing a little bundle of joy into the world…sorry, I’m getting an emergency message. Just a moment

Dear TvGasm, wait, I thought having babies was my story line. This is unfair!

Signed, That other Kardashian sister

Dear Kourtney, oh sweetie, there, there. Don’t worry, your story line is being in a relationship with a huge sentient anus, and no one will ever take that away from you.

Anyway, back to you Kimmie, so here’s a little advice for the next few months. Oh, another message is coming in, I’ll be right back

Dear TvGasm, what’s a story line?

Signed, That other Kardashian sister, no not that one, the big one

Dear Khloe, oh dear, I just realized that if you girls ever did a Charlie’s Angels remake, no one could be Kate Jackson. Anyway, don’t worry, here’s a piece of string, go play in the corner.

Okay, back to you Kim. I’m sure this is very exciting for you, and Kayne starting a new family…What the? Another message? Just one second, sorry

Dear TvGasm, you know we’re still married, right? I’m still her husband, and she’s horrible. I thought we were in love, and it was going to last and I should get to keep that ring because…

Dear Kris Humphries, god are you still around? I mean sure at first it was fun that you wouldn’t go away, and it was like Kim had a 6’7″ cold sore that coming back, but seriously dude, you need to pack it in and move on. If for no other reason than so Kim and Kayne can finally tie the knot, and I can see pictures of Beyonce being bored and uncomfortable for six hours. What? Yes, I’m a horrible person, who else do you think subscribes to OK Magazine?