Dear TvGasm: Kim Richards

(Dear TvGasm, your best source of fake unasked for advice for the people you see on your boob de toob has a very special guest this week, Kim Richards from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, And Kim, well words fail me. Let’s check in with our favorite housewife from the 90210 zip code)

Dear Match.Com, first of all, you need to talk to whoever is running your website, because I have no idea what roast chickens have to do with dating. Sure, I like fine dining as much as the next girl, but I don’t see what 208 recipes for roast chicken have to do with finding a decent date for a Saturday night.

Now, I’m on your web site because I’m kind of between boyfriends right now. My last boyfriend turned out to be a big letdown. When I first met him, I thought he was James Earl Jones, because it always sounded like those first few Star Wars movies.

Did you know I was up for a part in that movie, but Dame Judy Dench beat me out? True story. Check the credits. To be fair I think she was a much better Storm Trooper 27 than I ever could have been. She was very method. I saw her on the street and she was in full costume. I said, “knock em dead, Judy Dench!” Then Kyle told me I was screaming at a mail box. Again. I love my sister, but that girl refuses to wear her glasses.

Also, another drawback to my last boyfriend was I don’t think my sister liked him. Whenever we spent time together she always got the same look she used to get when we were younger and mom would tells her she was the Clint Howard to my Ronnie. And then Kyle would run upstairs crying, lock herself in her room, and when we came down to breakfast the next morning all the ice cream was gone!

Hey I heard Ronnie Howard stopped acting. Good thing. Did you see The Music Man? Sweet kid, but he talked like Sylvester the Cat.

For the record I’m a working actress, but I’m a little concerned about my current project. I think I’m working on a re-make of He-Man, but I’m not sure because I haven’t seen a script, and whenever I ask Kyle about it, she tells me these isn’t a script. Must be one of those Christopher Guest movies. Did you see A Simple Truth? I laughed til I peed on that one.

Anyway, on my current project there is this girl who is playing Skelator, and she keeps talking about how her husband was trying to kill her, and was a ninja who pushed people in swimming pools. Now I don’t think that is very true to the source material, but damn that girl is almost as method as Dame Judy Dench.

Oh my god! I’m looking out my window and Dame Judy Dench is standing on my street corner! And she’s still wearing her storm trooper costume!!