Dear TvGasm: Kim Richards

[Throws open window and shouts into the street] Hey Judy Dench! You need to take off that costume. Star Wars came out two years ago! Love your work!

[Closes window] Silly, fat, English girl. Why Marty Scorsese ever thought he needed a pear shaped storm trooper is beyond me.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, a man. I’m also looking for someone who likes to travel. I don’t want Kyle planning anymore of my trips. Every time she tells me I’m going on vacation I end up at a place where they expect me to scrub all the toilets, and when I tell my sister Kathy that her husband really needs to talk to his chambermaids, because paying customers really shouldn’t have to scrub their own toilets she looks at me like I’m the crazy one!

So, I’m looking for a man with a job, who can go on vacation at a place where we don’t have to scrub the toilets, and maybe I will have some chicken.

[Kim Richards Breaks into spontaneous chicken dance]

Dear Kim Richards, first of all honey I’m pretty sure you’re at Epicurious.com and not Match.com. You might want to try entering that web site again. I bet it works out better this time. I hope you find someone too pumpkin, and someone better than a guy standing in front of your mailbox who makes Tom Sizemore look like “the pretty one.” Too bad you’re a Real Housewife, because you girls don’t seem to have much luck landing men. I mean look at Camile. Sure the guy she has now is easy on the eyes, but his brother is a walking episode of Criminal Minds. I mean even if you don’t find a man, you’ll always have your family. Which in this case means Kyle. You know what? I’m not only going to write Match.com, but Epicurious.com too. We are going to find you somebody sweetheart. If we could put a man on the moon, then we can put a man on Kim Richards. Wait, that didn’t come out right.

Anyway, for what it’s worth, I think you would have been an awesome storm trooper. Hugs.

[Dear TvGasm breaks into spontaneous chicken dance] 

(A Special shout out to Flipit for coming up with the character of drunk Kim Richards, because she’s always such fun to listen to.)

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter. You can post your favorite lines right back at us. If you want to play games and socialize, like our Facebook page! We’re also now on Pinterest and Tumblr! Thanks for being a part of the gasm!