(This week Dear TvGasm provides words of, well maybe not encouragement, but definitely has words for The Real Housewives of Orange County and the rumors that two of the current housewives may be getting fired.)
Dear TvGasm, well there’s no way Bravo would think about firing an accomplished actress such as myself, right?
Signed, You Raped My Cake Bow
Hey, if Terry is such a boss plastic surgeon, how come every time Heather looks up into the camera I feel like I’m driving into the Holland Tunnel?
Dear Heather Whatever the hell your last name is this week, What? Fire you? Someone who was in both Roseanne and Tom: Behind the Scenes and an Episode of Men Behaving Badly? No sweetie, you’re safe as kittens, even with an IMDb like this. Next to the rest of these women you’re Meryl Streep, but don’t get to carried away. Being the best actress on a Housewife show is like winning the 100 meter dash at the Special Olympics, someone has to do it, but it doesn’t make them the world’s fastest human.
Besides, I hate to break it to you sunshine, but nobody cares about your acting career on this show. You’ll have a job as long as you keep losing your poop every few episodes over trivial things, and we get to see in your fabulous house that you seem to have modeled on the lobby of a La Quinta Inn in Scotsdale Arizona. By the way, as far the whole Billionaires’ Row thing? Personally, if I had a billion dollars, and I was living in Orange County I’d have serious questions about whether capitalism was really worth it.
See you soon, just not on real TV, hugs!
Dear TvGasm, There’s no way Andy Cohen could even think about firing someone as hot as me. Besides if anyone is going to get fired it should be Jesus Juggs and that hagfish Vicki.
Signed, I Just Want to Get Along With People…And I’m Super Hot
Let me get this straight, your big problem with Alexis is that she’s so fake?
Dear Tamra, No my ever shriveling little apple doll, you aren’t going to get fired, but it’s less because of your hotness then the fact that you are America’s most effective 110 pound bile factory. I hate to break it to you pumpkin, but the last time your vision of your hotness coincided with how other people viewed your attractiveness, W’s dad was in the White House. You’ve officially reached that age where you lose the man in your life to a 22 year-old Hooter’s waitress. Not that you’re ever going to have to worry about that with Eddie. No Tamra, you’re going to stay on TV, because you would take a tire iron to a Make A Wish kid if you thought they were prettier then you.