This week the ladies of The Real Housewives of New York City ask Dear TvGasm for a little advice, vacation edict , trying to pop a baby out of the world’s dustiest uterus,and how to deal with
Ramona, Sonja, Aviva, a complete frigging lunatic.
Dear TvGasm, I just thought I’d let you know that I’m still going to have a baby. With Jacques. I’m thinking of using IVF, because being a countess, I deserve it.
Signed, I’m the Carrie Bradshaw on This Show. Well I would be if she was going to have a baby because I am
Sonja and LuAnn pose with a room full of Italians
Dear LuAnn, first of all, no you’re not. The beauty of those three words here is they can be used to refute just about every part of that last paragraph. Still, I’m certainly not saying you can’t have a baby, because thanks to medical science, just about anyone can have a baby, no matter how dusty it is way up in their lady parts back there. Why there are little old ladies in Italy pumping out bambinos so fast it will make your head spin. More on that Italian situation a little later.
For what it’s worth, it’s good to see you turning to science for your little bundle of joy, seeing as what you have been doing so far hasn’t put a blue dot on your home pregnancy test. Just for fun, let’s look at what hasn’t worked so far.
Sex off camera with Pepe Le Pew. By the way, here’s a big thumbs up to you for keeping it off camera unlike some people around here
Letting tiny Asian women poke you with needles, while you drank tea.
Hooking up with Dirtier Johnny Depp in St Barth, or as I liked to think of Tomas, the ringer for that guy at the Renaissance Fair who won’t tell you how to get back to the parking lot, because he doesn’t want to break character.
Sorry, my bad. What I meant to say there, was having that group of Italians into to your room to talk to talk that one night. (Am I the only one who thanks to this little ruse now pictures LuAnn screaming in a bad stereotypical Italian accent, over and over as she approached orgasm, “Watsa Matta Me?! Whats a Matta You!!”? I am? You know, in a way that’s kind of a relief)
Anyway, I’m sure this is going to work out, and as long as Jacques never, ever sees a TV again you guys will be a lovely family. Mazel Tov. Wait, what’s French for Mazel Tov. Let me run it through Google Translator. Ah, here we go, les vaches sont dans le domaine. Congrats!
Dear TvGasm, What’s Aviva’s problem? I just wanted to have fun on vacation. Oh God, the room is still spinning.
Signed, I’m The Darrie Sadshaw on this Show. The Fannie Rimshaw. The Bonnie…oh you know what I mean.