Dear TvGasm: Real Housewives of New York

Watercooler

By WaffleBoy | Monday, September 24, 2012 | 11:00 am | 7 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Dear TVgasm, Watercooler

This week the ladies of The Real Housewives of New York City ask Dear TvGasm for a little advice, vacation edict , trying to pop a baby out of the world’s dustiest uterus,and how to deal with Ramona, Sonja,Aviva, a complete frigging lunatic.

 

Dear TvGasm, I just thought I’d let you know that I’m still going to have a baby. With Jacques. I’m thinking of using IVF, because being a countess, I deserve it. 
Signed, I’m the Carrie Bradshaw on This Show. Well I would be if she was going to have a baby because I am

Sonja and LuAnn pose with a room full of Italians

Dear LuAnn, first of all, no you’re not. The beauty of those three words here is they can be used to refute just about every part of that last paragraph. Still, I’m certainly not saying you can’t have a baby, because thanks to medical science, just about anyone can have a baby, no matter how dusty it is way up in their lady parts back there. Why there are little old ladies in Italy pumping out bambinos so fast it will make your head spin. More on that Italian situation a little later.

For what it’s worth,  it’s good to see you turning to science for your little bundle of joy, seeing as what you have been doing so far hasn’t put a blue dot on your home pregnancy test. Just for fun, let’s look at what hasn’t worked so far.

Sex off camera with Pepe Le Pew. By the way, here’s a big thumbs up to you for keeping it off camera unlike some people around here
Letting tiny Asian women poke you with needles, while you drank tea. 
Hooking up with Dirtier Johnny Depp in St Barth, or as I liked to think of Tomas, the ringer for that guy at the Renaissance Fair who won’t tell you how to get back to the parking lot, because he doesn’t want to break character.
Sorry, my bad. What I meant to say there, was having that group of Italians into to your room to talk to talk that one night. (Am I the only one who thanks to this little ruse now pictures LuAnn screaming in a bad stereotypical Italian accent, over and over as she approached orgasm, “Watsa Matta Me?! Whats a Matta You!!”? I am? You know, in a way that’s kind of a relief)
Anyway, I’m sure this is going to work out, and as long as Jacques never, ever sees a TV again you guys will be a lovely family. Mazel Tov. Wait, what’s French for Mazel Tov. Let me run it through Google Translator. Ah, here we go, les vaches sont dans le domaine. Congrats!

 

Dear TvGasm, What’s Aviva’s problem? I just wanted to have fun on vacation. Oh God, the room is still spinning.
Signed, I’m The Darrie Sadshaw on this Show. The Fannie Rimshaw. The Bonnie…oh you know what I mean.

Pages: 1 2 3
About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

7 Comments

  1. 1
    mere2142
    Posted September 24, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    Hysterical as always WB! This made my afternoon!

  2. 2
    amandalee27
    Posted September 24, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    Thank you for finally focusing on the butt sex!!!! I feel like no one has really addressed it. Plus it was the cuntess’ sloppy seconds butt sex. Most entertaining moment of the show! And someone feed Carole! How is she not a hangry bitch all the time?

  3. 3
    mirabelle gingerbread
    Posted September 25, 2012 at 1:15 am

    “Watsa Matta Me?! Whats a Matta You!!”

    I. am. dying. I couldn’t wait to read it all to post, going back now! these are always hilarious, I wish you did them more often ♥

  4. 4
    cherrylipgloss
    Posted September 25, 2012 at 7:03 am

    I have a problem with the term bu__sex…..only because I really, really want to live in the land of unicorns and rainbows and that term just ruins everything for me. Can we at least refere to it as wazoosex….that way I can believe that it’s some kind of hybrid sex that involves a kazoo and a perhaps a lovely willow tree….and that in itself makes me think its a not only a fun party but something beatiful as well.
    -And speaking of wazoosex and miss I’m-too-hip-to-let-these-crazies-rattle-me….can I just say that her stats are waaay off concerning that topic?. I asked me ex rocker boyfriend what percent of women indulged and immediateyl he said 1%…and this from a dude cohorting with random trailerturds for upwards of 15 years…he later amended to 3% but still nowhere near the 46% that cool carole came up with to make herself feel better about all the wazoos she’s hummed a tune on. And can I say, that said bf also said that frankly it’s…um…er…unappealing and the few times…..well…he lost his mojo mid stream.
    And as for carole moving food around her plate for the cameras….I recall her writing something like “more about that later”, referring to her skinniness….and yet she hasn’t followed up. I’m calling her out on this one and expect that promised explanation stat.
    Lu’s statement about IVF confuses me….she deserves IVF bc she’s royalty?….does she realize IVF is in-vitro…aka….it’s all done in a petri dish….does she think that means she doesnt have to carry the baby or that she doesn’t have to have sex with pepe? Am I confused or is she???
    The rest them?….let the craziness continue and @waffleboy….you always make my day!

  5. 5
    LAC LAC
    Posted September 25, 2012 at 8:09 am

    Bravo, WB!!! You are too funny! “Whatsa matter you?” Someone should tell the Countess that just because Tomas is a cunning linguist and had her speaking in Italian, that doesn’t make her story of Italians believable. And sloppy seconds butt sex? Next to George in a speedo, that is cold water on my libido. :D

    Carolyn – one should try to eat some ribs, not cause others to count your ribs. We need you to keep your strength up for the witty asides.

  6. 6
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted September 25, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    @WaffleBoy OMG I had to put Kleenex in my eyes!
    Plus I can’t help but hear Carole’s in @Flipit’s Carole Crypt Keeper voice he does on WWC. Please send her a stack of waffle sandwiches.

  7. 7
    BelowSeaLevel BelowSeaLevel
    Posted September 26, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Hilarious, WaffleBoy! So funny about the renaissance actor.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.