Dear TvGasm: Real Housewives of New York

Watercooler

By WaffleBoy | Monday, September 24, 2012 | 11:00 am | 7 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Dear TVgasm, Watercooler

This picture has nothing to do with this post, but lets give Sonja some credit, she can wear the poop out of a tiny hat

Dear Sonja, yes I do know what you mean, and no sweetie, you’re not. Just because you routinely wear a tiara and a tutu in public doesn’t make you Carrie Bradshaw. It just makes you the toaster oven fairy.
As for Aviva, yes, she was horrible…I’m sorry I just can’t get past this. You had buttsex. On my TV. And it wasn’t even pay per view. With that guy who didn’t have sex with LuAnn because she was talking to a bunch of Italians all night saying things like, “there. Right!There! God! Yes! Right F@$king there!!!”
Anyway, Aviva is awful, and for what it is worth, about that other thing we talked about? Ew, stop doing that where I can see it.

 

Dear TvGasm, I’m the voice of reason now. Holla!
Signed, I’m the Carrie Bradshaw on This Show

Oh Heather, you’re the Herman Goering of this show. What? That was meant as a compliment

 

Dear Heather, No you’re not. Well, you’re not anywhere near being the craziest or the bitchiest on this show right now, but with Aviva and Ramona around, that’s like saying compared to Hitler and Himmler, Goering was the nice one. He was also the fun one. I learned that on the History Channel. I also learned people bring weird stuff into pawn shops, but that has nothing to do with Heather. At least I hope it doesn’t. Word to your mother.

 

Dear TvGasm, I wish everyone could just get along, and that we could all do cool and hip things together, because I’m very cool and hip.
Signed, I’m the Carrie Bradshaw on This Show

By the way, I was so happy when you finally got your precious back at the end of Lord of the Rings!

Dear Carole, No, I’m sorry dearie, you’re more like Carrie Bradshaw’s spinster aunt, and as for everyone getting along? You go to hell! Nobody wants to watch a bunch of upper middle class women getting along.

Do you really think I want to watch you people pick at sushi plates for an hour once a week? I want screaming. I want bleeped out profanities, and it wouldn’t kill you to throw in a little weave pulling while you’re at it.

I’m not watching this show to be amazed by your great attitude on life. I’m watching this show to feel superior to people who could buy and sell me like a sea monkey. (Well, maybe not Sonja, but god, did you know she had buttsex? Sorry, I’m off topic again) Anyway, the season is almost over, pick a fight. I don’t care if it’s with Sonja’s toaster oven,  just start screaming, and make me happy.

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About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

7 Comments

  1. 1
    mere2142
    Posted September 24, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    Hysterical as always WB! This made my afternoon!

  2. 2
    amandalee27
    Posted September 24, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    Thank you for finally focusing on the butt sex!!!! I feel like no one has really addressed it. Plus it was the cuntess’ sloppy seconds butt sex. Most entertaining moment of the show! And someone feed Carole! How is she not a hangry bitch all the time?

  3. 3
    mirabelle gingerbread
    Posted September 25, 2012 at 1:15 am

    “Watsa Matta Me?! Whats a Matta You!!”

    I. am. dying. I couldn’t wait to read it all to post, going back now! these are always hilarious, I wish you did them more often ♥

  4. 4
    cherrylipgloss
    Posted September 25, 2012 at 7:03 am

    I have a problem with the term bu__sex…..only because I really, really want to live in the land of unicorns and rainbows and that term just ruins everything for me. Can we at least refere to it as wazoosex….that way I can believe that it’s some kind of hybrid sex that involves a kazoo and a perhaps a lovely willow tree….and that in itself makes me think its a not only a fun party but something beatiful as well.
    -And speaking of wazoosex and miss I’m-too-hip-to-let-these-crazies-rattle-me….can I just say that her stats are waaay off concerning that topic?. I asked me ex rocker boyfriend what percent of women indulged and immediateyl he said 1%…and this from a dude cohorting with random trailerturds for upwards of 15 years…he later amended to 3% but still nowhere near the 46% that cool carole came up with to make herself feel better about all the wazoos she’s hummed a tune on. And can I say, that said bf also said that frankly it’s…um…er…unappealing and the few times…..well…he lost his mojo mid stream.
    And as for carole moving food around her plate for the cameras….I recall her writing something like “more about that later”, referring to her skinniness….and yet she hasn’t followed up. I’m calling her out on this one and expect that promised explanation stat.
    Lu’s statement about IVF confuses me….she deserves IVF bc she’s royalty?….does she realize IVF is in-vitro…aka….it’s all done in a petri dish….does she think that means she doesnt have to carry the baby or that she doesn’t have to have sex with pepe? Am I confused or is she???
    The rest them?….let the craziness continue and @waffleboy….you always make my day!

  5. 5
    LAC LAC
    Posted September 25, 2012 at 8:09 am

    Bravo, WB!!! You are too funny! “Whatsa matter you?” Someone should tell the Countess that just because Tomas is a cunning linguist and had her speaking in Italian, that doesn’t make her story of Italians believable. And sloppy seconds butt sex? Next to George in a speedo, that is cold water on my libido. :D

    Carolyn – one should try to eat some ribs, not cause others to count your ribs. We need you to keep your strength up for the witty asides.

  6. 6
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted September 25, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    @WaffleBoy OMG I had to put Kleenex in my eyes!
    Plus I can’t help but hear Carole’s in @Flipit’s Carole Crypt Keeper voice he does on WWC. Please send her a stack of waffle sandwiches.

  7. 7
    BelowSeaLevel BelowSeaLevel
    Posted September 26, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Hilarious, WaffleBoy! So funny about the renaissance actor.

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