Dear TvGasm: Real Housewives of New York

Watercooler

By WaffleBoy | Monday, September 24, 2012 | 11:00 am | 7 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Dear TVgasm, Watercooler

 

Dear TvGasm, These women are horrible, Horrible. They’re rude white trash, and I can’t understand why that can’t even have the simple manners to humbly kiss my husband’s poop chute for getting me down to their naked, boozy, fornication weekend. My God, I can’t believe I have to deal with them. I went to Vassar! They’re Horrible.
Signed, This is About The Children Missing Limbs!

Yeah, they’re horrible, but your dad rubs his boner on people

Dear Aviva, just a second sweetie.

Hey Carole! Are you looking at this?  This is what you need to be giving us. Do you see the rage? the indignation? The almost total disregard for reality? From now on, when you’re on camera, ask yourself, what would Aviva do?
Okay Aviva, I’m back, and yes, the other women are horrible, but as for the rest of it? You need to step off I-lean.
I’m sorry dear, but you don’t get to call anyone on TV up to and including the cast of Honey BooBoo, white trash, because girl we’ve seen your family. I hate to break it to you pumpkin, but your dad is a walking 180 pound Cialis pill with about four gin rickeys in him at any given moment. If there is any justice in the world, next season we’ll get to see an episode where you spend some time with the 17-year-old Thai bar girl who is going to be your new step-mother, if you ever let your dad travel outside the country alone.
Aside from that, keep yelling at people, and making unreasonable demands; you’re good at that.

 

 

Dear TvGasm, Ugh, They’re terrible. All Terrible. LuAnn? Terrible? Heather? Terrible! Aviva? TERIBLE. Just Terrible
Signed I’m the Carrie Bra…

 

Dear Ramona, please, don’t even go there, okay? Just, no.

And as for everything else? Oh girl. do you need a hug? You’ve had a rough season. I mean Jill was finally gone, and after all that waiting you were all set to be the biggest B on the show, and then BOOM! Aviva went for a plane ride, and you could never catch up. You got off to such a good start this season too. Feuding with LuAnn, not getting invited to London, being a complete a-hole about not getting invited to London, shouting things and then reminding us all that you have no filter. It would have been perfect if Aviva hadn’t shown up. Sigh, oh well. Maybe next year. Probably not, because Andy would have to be a complete waterhead not to bring Aviva back, but maybe. Stay unfiltered sweetie!

Yeah, this just wasn’t crazy enough this year pumpkin,.I’m so sorry

 

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About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

7 Comments

  1. 1
    mere2142
    Posted September 24, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    Hysterical as always WB! This made my afternoon!

  2. 2
    amandalee27
    Posted September 24, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    Thank you for finally focusing on the butt sex!!!! I feel like no one has really addressed it. Plus it was the cuntess’ sloppy seconds butt sex. Most entertaining moment of the show! And someone feed Carole! How is she not a hangry bitch all the time?

  3. 3
    mirabelle gingerbread
    Posted September 25, 2012 at 1:15 am

    “Watsa Matta Me?! Whats a Matta You!!”

    I. am. dying. I couldn’t wait to read it all to post, going back now! these are always hilarious, I wish you did them more often ♥

  4. 4
    cherrylipgloss
    Posted September 25, 2012 at 7:03 am

    I have a problem with the term bu__sex…..only because I really, really want to live in the land of unicorns and rainbows and that term just ruins everything for me. Can we at least refere to it as wazoosex….that way I can believe that it’s some kind of hybrid sex that involves a kazoo and a perhaps a lovely willow tree….and that in itself makes me think its a not only a fun party but something beatiful as well.
    -And speaking of wazoosex and miss I’m-too-hip-to-let-these-crazies-rattle-me….can I just say that her stats are waaay off concerning that topic?. I asked me ex rocker boyfriend what percent of women indulged and immediateyl he said 1%…and this from a dude cohorting with random trailerturds for upwards of 15 years…he later amended to 3% but still nowhere near the 46% that cool carole came up with to make herself feel better about all the wazoos she’s hummed a tune on. And can I say, that said bf also said that frankly it’s…um…er…unappealing and the few times…..well…he lost his mojo mid stream.
    And as for carole moving food around her plate for the cameras….I recall her writing something like “more about that later”, referring to her skinniness….and yet she hasn’t followed up. I’m calling her out on this one and expect that promised explanation stat.
    Lu’s statement about IVF confuses me….she deserves IVF bc she’s royalty?….does she realize IVF is in-vitro…aka….it’s all done in a petri dish….does she think that means she doesnt have to carry the baby or that she doesn’t have to have sex with pepe? Am I confused or is she???
    The rest them?….let the craziness continue and @waffleboy….you always make my day!

  5. 5
    LAC LAC
    Posted September 25, 2012 at 8:09 am

    Bravo, WB!!! You are too funny! “Whatsa matter you?” Someone should tell the Countess that just because Tomas is a cunning linguist and had her speaking in Italian, that doesn’t make her story of Italians believable. And sloppy seconds butt sex? Next to George in a speedo, that is cold water on my libido. :D

    Carolyn – one should try to eat some ribs, not cause others to count your ribs. We need you to keep your strength up for the witty asides.

  6. 6
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted September 25, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    @WaffleBoy OMG I had to put Kleenex in my eyes!
    Plus I can’t help but hear Carole’s in @Flipit’s Carole Crypt Keeper voice he does on WWC. Please send her a stack of waffle sandwiches.

  7. 7
    BelowSeaLevel BelowSeaLevel
    Posted September 26, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Hilarious, WaffleBoy! So funny about the renaissance actor.

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