Dear TvGasm: Taylor Swift

Watercooler

By WaffleBoy | Monday, January 14, 2013 | 11:50 am | 20 Comments
Tagged: , , , , ,
Posted in: Dear TVgasm, Watercooler

(Hi, there Gasmi, there is a wonderful cyclical beauty in the world. Every Spring the flowers, bloom, every Fall, red and brown leaves rain from the trees, and about every six months, Taylor Swift burns through yet another celebrity boyfriend. Let’s check in for a complete fake, and completely ignorant discussion of some else’s love life)

Dear TvGasm, well, I’m alone again. If it was physically possible for me to get fat like regular people I’d be blowing up like the Hindenburg right now behind a mountian of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Well, I guess I’d better get a fresh pen, and my notebook out. It’s time for mama to earn her paycheck

Signed, I’m just like other girls, if they were tall, rich, blonde, and talented

 

Dear Taylor Swift, oh pumpkin, again? Well, okay, this time we weren’t too surprised to find out we were all taking the train to Dumpsville again. I mean no offense, but if you’re boyfriend has better hair than you, is in a boy band, and pretty much comes across at all times like Austin Powers with less back hair, and a dental plan, you’re doomed. Guys like that don’t have relationships, they have a series of dates, and probably a cold sore, that isn’t really a cold sore, but now we’re getting off topic.

God, you’ve, you’ve had some romantic adventures over the last few years, haven’t you? Let’s take a stroll down memory lane, shall we?

First there was that Jonas Brothers. Ah, a young man highly committed to keeping his virginity. The perfect first boyfriend, at least from a father’s prospective; someone to keep you happy, and take you dates to the movies, but who isn’t going to getting you in the running for being cast on Teen Mom.

Well, after a couple of years it was time to take the training wheels off, and date someone who didn’t have better fashion sense than you.  Enter Taylor Lautner Sure, his face is a little squished in, and he kind of looks like a Jack o’ lantern that’s been left out  past Christmas, but faces are over rated. Especially when that person is getting every nickel out of their gym membership.

Still, times marches on, and you got a little bit older, and decided to let us know you were a full blown adult, and what says I’m all grown up more, then a horrible, horrible decision? Enter John Mayer, stage left. Well I suppose on his plus side, you weren’t having to fight over who was your favorite character on Veggie Tales. But, as for the minus side, well John-John is pretty much what you would get if the hot tub at your local swingers club achieved mobility and sentience at roughly the same time. So, given that John Mayer is kind of gross, it wasn’t a huge surprise when this relationship fell apart, but not to worry, because Jake Gyllenhaal was waiting in the wings.

Now Jake Gyllenhaal is a good actor, is easy on the eyes, and is fairly bright, or at least bright enough to get into Columbia [Insert your own cheap joke about Columbia's lax academic standards here. Come on, if you went to Harvard, you're not going to pass up an opportunity like this one]. So, don’t feel bad  if I point out nobody could figure out just why you two were dating. Not that you are some drooling uggo, but he was 9 years older than you, and nobody could quite figure out what you two had in common. Not that it mattered, because eventually you two wandered from each other, and you ended up back on the dating market again.

Pages: 1 2
About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

20 Comments

  1. 1
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted January 14, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    It’s not us Taylor, it’s you.

  2. 2
    labowner
    Posted January 14, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    Close your legs hun and have some fun by yourself. Oh and get a shrink to deal with your male identified co-dependency issues.

  3. 3
    Libithina
    Posted January 14, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    Ha! Turns into Jennifer Aniston. Heehee giggle. But you be you Taylor Swift! I don’t care for you or your music, but this is far tamer behavior that what I did when I was 22-23. Be an ice princess, or don’t. I don’t care. I would rather read about your dating escapades then listen to any more of your music, like…ever.

  4. 4
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted January 14, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    I feel for you Taylor. You wrote some pretty good poems in high school. For an average teenager. And somehow that got turned into this huge misunderstanding. With people thinking you weren’t average. And no matter how hard you try to prove you are too just an average 21 yr old. People just keep trying to hang onto that same misunderstanding.

    It’s hard enough being average in this world. Nobody should have to spend their whole youth time trying to prove it.

    You know it and I know it. That should be enough. So just walk away. And get your job at walmart that’s your birth right. All that $ might be a problem. So you can send that to me. Because I get it. I’m average too. Just don’t write any more poems, ‘k? Just in case 1 of them turns out to be pretty good for an average 21 yr girl at the walmart.

  5. 5
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted January 14, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    She’s actually 23. She may seem 21 because she still acts 16 but we know it’s been a few years since she’s taken over pop culture so we did some basic math and realized she should be well past her expiration date with the tween fans so she’s started dating teenagers to pretend she’s still only 16 so she will never, ever, ever lose her audience.

    (And, yes. For those of you doing the math at home…Adele is a whole year and a half older than Taylor and Marcus Mumford is about two years older. GROW THE ‘F UP, TAYLOR!!!)

  6. 6
    WaffleBoy
    Posted January 14, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    To be either completely fair, or a complete hypocrite, oh what the heck, let’s call it both, if Taylor Swift was leading a normal sort of going to college and bunking in a coed dorm life or working at some entry level type job and living with her friends, she would have made pretty much all the same sorts of choices that she’s made so far, and nobody would get too worked up over it. Taylor Lautner? I think a lot of people have gone for the person who looks nice, but don’t talk so good. John Mayer? The guy girls date to piss off their mom, and I’d bet my rent the phrase piss off mom flashed through Taylor’s mind at least one while she was dating the big JM. Jake G? That’s either like dating your TA, or the guy you meet on Match.com after you fill out a profile that night when the cable went out. He’s nice, and his dog is great, but he wants to go to bed at 11:00 pretty much every night, and what’s up with that? Okay, Taylor dating fans of The Wiggles is bad, but really no worse than a guy in college who gets dumped and starts dating the girl he knew when she freshman and he was a senior. It’s probably not the sign of someone who is in the top percentile of emotional development, but it’s only going to be gross if they are still dating teenagers when they are lying about not being in their 40′s. Still, all in all, I’d say Taylor’s dating history is lightyears ahead of the emotional messes I had made by the time I was her age.
    At least that’s what I think, you know, when I’m not looking to make cheap jokes at someone else’s expense

  7. 7
    labowner
    Posted January 14, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Um Waffle?

  8. 8
    wcsdancer
    Posted January 14, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    @vallegirl, imdb lists her bday as December 1989, which would make her 21. Still, she needs to get a new schtick…the breakup songs are immature and as many have said, she’s no longer a teenager. Deal with breakups like the rest of the adults, Taylor – go have a drink!

    At least Adele’s breakup songs are mature. And good. Without autotune Taylor isn’t that good of a singer. Well, even *with* autotune…meh.

  9. 9
    lissagettinghammered
    Posted January 14, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    Is it wrong to say that Taylor Swift is starting to make Anastasia Steele look like Elizabeth Bennet?

  10. 10
    Dashley Dashley
    Posted January 14, 2013 at 4:19 pm

    I WISH at her age I had been able to date as many guys as she gets around to. And let’s not assume she’s dirty- the gossip is that Harry dumped her because she wouldn’t give it up to him. If she can’t do this now, while she’s young and rich and hot, when CAN she do it? The only difference between her and normal girls her age is that she has a lot of money, so she does things like buying a house next door to the Kennedy compound. That’s not a great move.

  11. 11
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted January 14, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    Psst, wcsdancer…it’s 2013.

    And I’d be more “forgiving” of Taylor Swift if she showed any kind of basic human responses. But just find that video of her being “surprised” by every single award she’s ever won. She’s a fame Terminator and she won’t stop until it’s all hers.

    Who knew Kanye was her fame John Connor?

  12. 12
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted January 14, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    Taylor was born in 89…I was born in 79 and just turned 33…so umm Taylor is 23….but still all her songs sound the damn same…she needs to mix it up a bit…

    She seems to go from guy to guy to guy…but I guess if she isn’t “giving it up” she isn’t so slutty…

  13. 13
    wcsdancer
    Posted January 14, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    Thanks for the correction, vallegirl. I really haven’t been in a coma for 2 years…

  14. 14
    Mimo
    Posted January 15, 2013 at 7:04 am

    I have three sons and a husband. They all love her. I wish she had eyes.

  15. 15
    KJN KJN
    Posted January 15, 2013 at 10:30 am

    @vallegirl Haha! “Fame John Conner”. Love it!

    I find it pretty hard to believe that someone that dated John Mayer, the biggest he-whore in history, isn’t “giving it up”.

  16. 16
    JudgyWudgy
    Posted January 15, 2013 at 11:00 am

    Ha. Something that makes fun of Taylor Swift AND Taylor Lautner’s hideous face? SOLD.

  17. 17
    Hatched One
    Posted January 15, 2013 at 11:25 am

    My daughter was hoping she’d marry Taylor Lautner so then they’d both be Taylor Lautner!! Or Taylors Lautner or Taylor Lautners!

  18. 18
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted January 15, 2013 at 11:48 am

    This sinister ass bitch.
    I’m sure she knows precisely what to say to Israel and Palestine to make them stop fighting, but she won’t tell anyone. Instead she writes it down every morning, puts in the toilet, and makes a dump on it.
    Just because that’s the kind of ultimate evil shit that she likes to do with her devilish self.

    Harry didn’t break up with her for not putting out…he broke up with her because she did and her nether-regions smelled of fire and brimstone.
    Maybe John Mayer didn’t care about such trivialities…I’m pretty sure he’d fuck an actual venus fly trap if he could get it alone, but Harry Styles is not about that life.

    I’d warn him to sleep cuddled up to his bandmates for safety at night (lest she return to snatch his soul), but I’m sure he does that already. And I’m sure they’re all naked and their penises are all entertwined. Like a big gay daisy chain.

  19. 19
    Iona Trailer
    Posted January 15, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    I detest Taylor Swift. She is a fake bitch with the \Who me…I won\ fake response everytime she wins an award. She is a psycho wench and she had zero business even getting within a sniffing distance of my Jakey. He was way out of her league. The fact that she wrote her last hit about him make me wish her hoo hoo gets permenmn crotch rot and that she has burning and itching down there 24 hours a day.

  20. 20
    wcsdancer
    Posted January 15, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    Maybe she really *is* genuinely surprised when she wins awards. I know I am.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.