(Hi, there Gasmi, there is a wonderful cyclical beauty in the world. Every Spring the flowers, bloom, every Fall, red and brown leaves rain from the trees, and about every six months, Taylor Swift burns through yet another celebrity boyfriend. Let’s check in for a complete fake, and completely ignorant discussion of some else’s love life)
Dear TvGasm, well, I’m alone again. If it was physically possible for me to get fat like regular people I’d be blowing up like the Hindenburg right now behind a mountian of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Well, I guess I’d better get a fresh pen, and my notebook out. It’s time for mama to earn her paycheck
Signed, I’m just like other girls, if they were tall, rich, blonde, and talented
Dear Taylor Swift, oh pumpkin, again? Well, okay, this time we weren’t too surprised to find out we were all taking the train to Dumpsville again. I mean no offense, but if you’re boyfriend has better hair than you, is in a boy band, and pretty much comes across at all times like Austin Powers with less back hair, and a dental plan, you’re doomed. Guys like that don’t have relationships, they have a series of dates, and probably a cold sore, that isn’t really a cold sore, but now we’re getting off topic.
God, you’ve, you’ve had some romantic adventures over the last few years, haven’t you? Let’s take a stroll down memory lane, shall we?
First there was that Jonas Brothers. Ah, a young man highly committed to keeping his virginity. The perfect first boyfriend, at least from a father’s prospective; someone to keep you happy, and take you dates to the movies, but who isn’t going to getting you in the running for being cast on Teen Mom.
Well, after a couple of years it was time to take the training wheels off, and date someone who didn’t have better fashion sense than you. Enter Taylor Lautner Sure, his face is a little squished in, and he kind of looks like a Jack o’ lantern that’s been left out past Christmas, but faces are over rated. Especially when that person is getting every nickel out of their gym membership.
Still, times marches on, and you got a little bit older, and decided to let us know you were a full blown adult, and what says I’m all grown up more, then a horrible, horrible decision? Enter John Mayer, stage left. Well I suppose on his plus side, you weren’t having to fight over who was your favorite character on Veggie Tales. But, as for the minus side, well John-John is pretty much what you would get if the hot tub at your local swingers club achieved mobility and sentience at roughly the same time. So, given that John Mayer is kind of gross, it wasn’t a huge surprise when this relationship fell apart, but not to worry, because Jake Gyllenhaal was waiting in the wings.
Now Jake Gyllenhaal is a good actor, is easy on the eyes, and is fairly bright, or at least bright enough to get into Columbia [Insert your own cheap joke about Columbia's lax academic standards here. Come on, if you went to Harvard, you're not going to pass up an opportunity like this one]. So, don’t feel bad if I point out nobody could figure out just why you two were dating. Not that you are some drooling uggo, but he was 9 years older than you, and nobody could quite figure out what you two had in common. Not that it mattered, because eventually you two wandered from each other, and you ended up back on the dating market again.