Dear TvGasm: The Lifetime Network

(This week, The Lifetime Network writes to Dear TvGasm to tell about its horrible experience with internet bullying by licensed massage therapists over it’s new show, The Client List)

Dear TvGasm,

I need to talk to someone, because I am the victim of online bullying. Ever since my new show, The Client List, came out, a bunch horrible internet trolls have made a big stink because the show is about a suburban housewife who ends up giving hand jobs to ridiculously handsome guys. They are being so mean. I mean it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt’s character who’s giving simulated, perfectly safe for cable TV hand jobs. Why can’t they see that? How am I to deal with all this new internet hate?

Signed,

Hated for A New Drama about Jerking  Off Buff guys

Dear HANDJOB,

Yes, bullying is a horrible thing, and it’s a shame that so many people are victims of it every day. Granted for most of those people it’s because they are young vulnerable children, as opposed to you, a large faceless corporation, that exists only to squeeze as many advertising dollars as possible out of bored suburban housewives by whatever means necessary.  And you are certainly taking some lumps over The Client List, such as licensed massage therapist starting an online petition to keep the show from even being aired. They had the nerve to say ” The Client List is a series that perpetuates the misconception that Massage Therapy includes inappropriate sexual contact.” Why? All because you have Jennifer Love Hewitt flounce abound in her undies and a cowboy hat giving rub and tugs to male models. You poor little thing, this must be such a  painful period for you.

The important thing to remember about being bullied is to find a responsible adult who can help you deal with the problem. Your family’s clergyperson might be a good person to go to for guidance, assuming you aren’t hit by a bolt of lightening while trying to enter your local church, synagogue, and/or mosque. Or maybe you could tell the costumer on your show about your problem, and they will stop constantly putting Jennifer Love Hewitt in bra and panty sets that make it seem like the only reason you hired her is because she has a world class set of funbags?  Also, you could talk with the show runner and maybe see about not writing a show makes every woman who gives  massage therapy for a living look like an A#1 boom-boom girl? Personally, I think you should be commended for having at least one show on your network that doesn’t revolve around Dean Cain trying to smother his wife with a pillow.

I know it might not seem like it now Lifetime Network, but if you talk to someone now you will be a stronger person because of it. And you are going to need that strength if you go forward with that movie about Elizabeth Taylor starring Lindsey Lohan. The internet will get very ugly about that one. You might end up having to go to a social worker and use anatomically correct dolls to explain what you are feeling. Hang in there kiddo, it gets better!

This will not end well

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