Dear TvGasm: The State of the Beiber

(This week on Dear TvGasm  everyone’s favorite non-threatening first boy crush for people who are too old for One Direction, Justin Beiber is dealing with the growing pains of being a an aging teen pop star,  and in a completely fictitious way reaches out to Dear TvGasm for some of that wonderful non-asked for advice.)

Dear TvGasm, I need to talk to someone bro. Way too many non-Beelibers out there hating on me, not respecting my swag. I mean, I am being hated on right bro?

Signed Selena Gomez’s boobs felt like bags of sand

Dear Justin Beiber, when it comes to hating Dear TvGasm has enough common sense to bow to the experts. Smirking Leonardo DeCaprio meme, is Justin Beiber being hated on? Our Survey says

The Judge has spoken!

Hmm, just as I thought lesba-bro, you’re being hated, hated hard bro. I mean sure there’s been some over sharing about your love life, some auto problems, and pictures with the Mara Ja Juana, but how you’re being treated is tots unfair, because let’s look at other celbs who’ve had to deal with these same issues. Okay, so I just type cars, dumped, and weed into the search engine that rhymes with God, anything but Bing, and see what names come up.

Ding!

And we’ve got three names: Lindsey Lohan, Miley Cyrus, and the long running HBO sitcom Entourage. Now let’s look at at each celeb, and see the best case and worse case scenarios of you continuing to emulate their behavior.

Lindsey Lohan

Hmmm, you just turned 18 and we’re hearing stories about you not being as high on life as you used to be, just like Lindsey. You’re breaking up with your first celeb right about at the same age as Lindsey, but at least for you, the celeb wasn’t Fez, so points for you, and you seem to have had a hard time just driving down to Game Stop to get the latest Pokemon game lately without the po-po getting involved, just like Lindsey. So now let’s look at what happens if you keep heading down the LiLo life track

Worst Case Scenario: You make an awful Lifetime biopic, with Cooter from True Blood

Best Case Scenario: There is no best case scenario with Lindsey, seriously bro-phefus, you might want to think about junior college

Miley Cyrus

Now let’s see how you match up next to Hanna Montana. Miley appears to be a much better driver then you, so that’s a burn on you brah. You both insist on having music careers, so that’s a tie, and you aren’t smoking as much pot as Miley, but that’s only because she smokes like a steel factory in Datong China. So let’s see what a life of Miley will get you