Dear TvGasm: This is why we love Britney

Watercooler

By WaffleBoy | Thursday, December 27, 2012 | 10:19 am | 13 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Dear TVgasm, Watercooler

 

 

Hi there Gasmi, just checking in to let you know that sometimes Christmas comes early, sometimes it comes on time, and occasionally it shows up a little late. If you are a fan of quality fug bucking nuts celebrity gossip, then the following is not only a late arriving X-Mass gift from US Magazine, but it’s good enough to cover Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and whatever the hell those hairy legged Wiccans celebrate. It’s just that good. How can you be sure? Two words Gasmi, Britney Spears.

Here are a few other words to wet your appetite: $4,500 worth of Archie comic books, a stolen Capital One Credit Card, KFed’s brother, an alleged tiny penis, blackmail, and the true father of Sean Preston. Pretty incredible, huh? Well I told you it was Kwanzaa good.

It gets even better when you spell it all out. Kevin Federline’s brother Christopher is claiming that Britney Spears stole his credit card, bought over $4,500 worth of Archie comic books, and when Christopher called her out on her actions Britney told him he had a tiny penis, and if he went to the police, she would tell the world that Christopher was the father of her first child, and not Kevin.

Christopher then went to the police, because dang dude, he’s on the hook for $4,500 bucks worth of Archie Comic Books. I mean, do you know how many shifts you have to work at Lady Footlocker to cover a nut like that? [ In the interest of full disclosure I should mention I have no idea where Christopher Federline works, but I can only assume based on this story it isn't for NASA.]

Anyway, here’s a good rundown of the story by US magazine, courtesy of Jezebel.com

In the papers, Christopher claims that Spears pocketed his Capital One credit card after finding it on Federline’s coffee table while swinging by to pick up Sean Preston and Jayden James.

Spears, 31, then allegedly used his credit card to buy $4,569.02 worth of Archie and Betty Boop comics, as well as issues of Mad Magazine for the boys.

When he reached out to Spears to dispute the charges, she “laughed at me and told me my brother Kevin ruined her life,” “told me I have a small penis, she also blackmailed me and told me if I tell the police that she stole my credit card that she will tell the world I’m the true father of Sean Preston, not Kevin,” Christopher added.

Though Federline’s brother claimed to have slept with Spears, he said that he sought a restraining order from the singer because “the public does not need to know.

 Wow, that is some quality old school white trash crazy. Are you paying attention Lindsey Lohan? You don’t have to run people over, or plow into a garbage truck to get attention for all the wrong reasons. All you need are $4,500 worth of the adventures of Jughead and Mr Weatherby, and an ex-brother-in-law who is allegedly hung like a cashew.

Pages: 1 2 3
About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

13 Comments

  1. 1
    plockness monster plockness monster
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Of course, Christopher Federline is lying. Our beloved Brit Brit might have been crazy for a few years, but she never stole anything a la Lindsey Lohan. I love how C-Fed added in the part about his small penis. I wonder who was really going to tell “the world” that???

  2. 2
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Yes Chris, Brit would come out and ruin her already tarnished image and let everyone know that she had relations with her husband brother and he is the father of the baby?

    Right because that would hurt YOU more than it would hurt Britney. You know the actual famous person in all of this hoopla.

    But where did she go to buy$4500 in comics?!?!!?

  3. 3
    Katie
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 11:47 am

    It has been confirmed that it is a hoax. The same guy who got in trouble for hacking twitter accounts faked it

  4. 4
    WaffleBoy
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    Thanks for the update Katie. The hoaxer’s name is Jonathan Lee Riches, and he sounds crazier than a bedbug ( a convicted felon, and was recently arrested for breaking his parole, and saying he was the Newtown shooter’s uncle). Apparently this guy has filed hundreds of fake celebrity lawsuits over the past few years. Including one where he claimed to be Selena Gomez’s father, and was accusing Justin Beiber of stealing his credit card and using it to pay for a penis enlargement.
    So, here’s what we know as of 11: 50 PST:
    Kevin Federline is the father of all of Britney’s children
    Somewhere in the San Fernando Valley a comic book store is still sitting on a butt ton’s worth of Archie comic books
    Britney Spears did not steal a Capital One Credit card recently. At least from anyone named Federline
    Christopher Federline’s penis is probably averaged size. At least as far as we know.
    Hopefully we’re all a little wiser now. Sorry for the false alarm, and also because I’m still giggling about that Justin Bieber story

  5. 5
    Faye
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    I knew it was false by the 3rd paragraph – A Federline with a credit card in his own name and a 4 digit before the decimal point credit limit? When you ask a Federline “what’s in your wallet” I’m sure everytyhing except valid credit card would be on the list
    Expired condom
    A punch card from Auntie Anne’s with one stamp left before you can claim a free pretzel
    A business card to a free clinic
    A phone number from a girl who spells her name “Tammyie”
    A note to remember to pay his boost mobile bill
    8.00 (with a 1.00 bill that has a mustache grew on Washington)
    A receipt from the Ed Hardy outlet

  6. 6
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    Awesome Faye! Just awesome.

  7. 7
    plockness monster plockness monster
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    Faye, Auntie Anne’s is too high class for him. I would like to think it’s a Subway card, but it’s probably expired. You know that doesn’t stop C-Fed from trying to redeem it all over CA.

  8. 8
    Angela
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    Top notch Faye! Hilarious. Hope they catch that one in the December Commentgasm.

  9. 9
    JudgyWudgy JudgyWudgy
    Posted December 29, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Does $4500 worth of Archie comics even exist?

  10. 10
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted December 30, 2012 at 2:04 am

    I was giggling so hard, I sounded like a demented squirrel, and my cats got all excited thinking it was hunting season. Too funny. I just figured she must have bought a stretch Hummer to tote away $4,500 worth of fine reading material….

  11. 11
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted December 30, 2012 at 7:34 am

    I so wish this trashtastic disaster was true.

    Sadhorns.

  12. 12
    CathodeTube CathodeTube
    Posted December 30, 2012 at 8:57 am

    I would love it if this Jonathan Lee Riches guy wrote the celeb news every day.

  13. 13
    Robin Robin
    Posted January 1, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    @CathodeTube,

    Be prepared to read about penis, then. Small penis, tiny penis, penis enlargement..every one of his “cases” have a penis as a distraction so the jury doesn’t focus on the nuts in the story.

    ;) Robin

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.