Dear TvGasm: Top Chef

(Hi there Gasmi, if you’ve watched any of Top Chef so far this season you are aware that is a prolonged call for help. Or a four month long insulting money grab by Bravo and Magical Elves. Either way, it hasn’t been pretty, so let’s see what completely made up help for fictional problems we can offer to the judges and contestants)

Dear TvGasm, I need some help. What’s the best way to explain to people that some times when you’re a serious judge on cooking show on national TV that sometimes you have to make a decision you wouldn’t make if one of your contestants would have just used judge’s table to defend herself? 

Signed, Serious Culinary Person, Padma Lamski

Dear Padma, No, nope, uh uh, we’re not going down that road, but I do want to say one thing. Most weeks at judge’s table you sit there with all the energy of a hat rack, but then all of a sudden when somebody shows up with a smoother complexion than you, you’re waving your arms around like Doctor Smith is about to smother Will Robinson with  a pillow. Tyra much?

Dear TvGasm, This season was a blast. Rawk and Rollllllllllll!!!!!

Signed, I Don’t Care if Nobody Has Ever Seen Us Both in a Room at the Same Time Before, I am Not Guy Fieri in Drag

The trick here wasn’t finding a picture of Josie looking like this, but picking which picture to use

Dear Josie, um, yeah. Look, don’t take this the wrong way, but were your actions this season some guerrilla performance art piece? Because, the only way you could have made a worse impression is if you had spent all your screen time beating a small monkey with a stick. 

Oh, and while you’re hear could we just point out a couple of things about your fellow All Stars? Stefan needs to stop telling people he’s from Germany. Yes, he’s rude and not so vaguely creepy, but remember Germany is a location, not a state of mind. And as for CJ, well between CJ and Lance Armstrong testicular cancer just can’t seem to catch a break lately.

Anyway, good luck with the art career

Dear TvGasm, [Looks up from game of Angry Birds on smart phone] What? [goes back to game]

Signed, What’s the big deal?

Dear Chef Tom, um, maybe, and this is just a suggestion, you could be a little more involved this season,, like at least wear pants to judge’s table? Just a thought.