Dear TvGasm: Valentine’s Day

(Hi there Gasmi, well it’s that time of the year, and love is in the air. No wait, that’s gas. I’m blaming the dog for that. Or I would be if I had a dog. Anyway today we are going to take a look at a few celebrity relationships, because I we have to do something, before we spend the big VD eating chocolate we bought ourselves and crying because some sadist decided to show Wall-E on cable.)

J-Lo and Casper Smart: 143 days without a gloryhole/massage parlor sighting for Casper.  Looks like somebody’s getting a new Range Rover!

Kim Kardashian and Kayne West: Well it looks like Kim has finally found the man of her dreams and is starting a family. While still married to her second husband. Looks like Kimmy has spent the past few months asking herself “what would Steven Seagal do here?”

Rihanna and Chris Brown: Okay a few years ago these two kids had a little problem. Rhi’s face kept getting in the way of Chris’s fist. But that’s all in the past, and he’s super duper sorry, and it will never ever, ever, happen again. If there were ever two A-list celebrities who would get their own episode of Cops, these would be the front runners.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: Still engaged. Glad to see they aren’t running into anything. I hear they are waiting for Shiloh’s first prostate exam before they walk down the aisle.

Jennifer Aniston and that guy with the eyebrows: According to US they should be getting married in Cabo any day now. According to People Jenn is pregnant. According to Donald Trump they’re both from Kenya.

Jon Mayer and Katy Perry: Is it just me or does it seem like these two are only going out together, because they’ve broken up with everybody else?

Single Ladies

Here are a few lady celebs who are running solo at the moment, but are on the romance radar.

Taylor Swift. Isn’t dating anyone right now, is waiting an hour so she doesn’t get a cramp. What? That’s for swimming? Well, I’m sure it’s good advice in lots of situations.

Cameron Diaz: I read online that Gwyneth Partlow is her new best and has decided to be Cameron’s life coach. Supposedly one of the first things GwynPo has on tap for Cameron is no sex for a year, because supposedly Cami has a tendency to get into relationships, and then let the guy walk all over her. Okay, here’s the thing, friends stop you from hooking up in a bar when your ripped, but you know who cock blocks you for a calender year? A cult leader. Girl, you in danger! Run Cameron, run!