Dear TVgasm: Keeping Up With Kim’s Eggs

Dear TVgasm, as you all know, I have been seriously thinking about trying to replicate myself. While I know that technology has its limits, and of course no one could ever be as awesome and like, awesome as myself, I have decided to freeze my eggs.

I took them out of the big cold box thing that is in my kitchen this morning and took them to my OB/GYN and he was all, like, Kim seriously? And I was all like, yeah. For some reason he claimed those eggs would not do even though they were all, like organic and everything. He wants me to stick needles in my belly for several days and then somehow he’s gonna like be able to get some eggs out of me. I’ve been stuck by many small needles before, why do you think I only date black guys now? But I don’t quite get how being stuck with tiny dongs is gonna help me freeze eggs. Why can’t I just put them in the freezer? I mean I’m like getting anxiety over this. Kanye doesn’t want me wearing lashes, or provocative clothes or to like leave his sight so when will I get these tiny dong injections?

Not that Kanye is controlling or anything, I like, totes make my own decisions. Hold on. Kanye didn’t like the font I was using. He said it made me look slutty. Anyway my mindless followers, if you have any suggestions on how to freeze my eggs so I can some day clone my giant ass I would love your input. Send all suggestions to kanyewestsbitch.com.

Oh and did you hear? One of my sisters had a kid and the other one is barren, I’ll have to ask Kanye who’s who.

LOVES! KK

Dearest Kim,

I cannot even begin to describe the feelings I have about there possibly being another you on the planet. And I mean that sincerely. With that in mind, I must tell you: Your doctor is lying to you. You can totally forgo the tiny white dongs! I have a hookup with a great doctor and I will email you his info. But first there’s something I want you to do. You go back to your doctor and tell him you need to be “sterilized”. Now your doc will try to make you believe this means you will not be able to reproduce yourself but it’s actually going to clean the old Kimmy Kave out from all those years of God only knows what kind of infestations, know what I’m sayin’? After you have done that, wait about 5 years and then take these “special” eggs my doc hooks you up with and just keep them warm. What am I saying, HIRE someone to keep them warm, and soon you and Kanye will have the bestest lil’ family ever created.

Good luck Kanye Jr, Kim Jr and Kimye Jr Jr!

Warmest Wishes, totally mean it,

Tvgasm