Dear TvGasm: Kyle Richards and Friends

(Hi there Gasmii, This week on Dear TvGasm we have a wonderfully and completely fabricated sit down with semi-fictional character, Horrible Kyle Richards, and find out what exactly our little Kylebot is feeling this season in her own words. That’s right, unlike in season one when Kyle was having problems with Camille, and brought Faye Resnick with her to Camile’s party to do battle with Camille’s Go-Bot, celebrity electronic smoker, and medium Alison Dubois, or in season 2 when Kyle wanted to reach out to her sister about her drinking, and had her husband Mauricio give what is probably the most passive aggressive toast involving Dr. Martin Luther King in the history of television, or this season when Kyle has had a problem with Brandi for sucking down air, saying things about Kyle’s good friend Ad, which required Faye Resnick and Mauricio, (because apparently Brandi is like mecha-Godzilla, and Kyle needed all of the Avengers for this one), today we are just going to have Fake Kyle tell us exactly what is on her mind in her own words (Legal notice: No she’s not, this is completely made up, not true, spurious, and in no way should represent the opinions of the actual Kyle Richards, but hopefully it will be entertaining)

Dear TvGasm: Hi there Horrible Kyle Richards, it’s so great to have you here today
Horrible Kyle Richards: I’m wonderful. Thank you Waffleboy, it’s so nice to be here.
DT: I just have to say that I’m sure everyone out there is so excited to hear what you are thinking in your own words.

DT: Um, what the hell is that?
HKR: What is what?
Sock Puppet on Horrible Kyle Richard’s hand: Hi, I’m Lil Kyle!
DT: Oh, sweet Baby Jesus on a unicycle, no.
HKR: What?
Lil Kyle: Yeah, what?
DT: Um, Kyle, we were really looking forward to hearing you speak in your own words today.
Lil Kyle: You’re wasting your time there sparky.
DT: I’m sorry?
Lil Kyle: Kyle likes being “the good one,” so honestly expressing her feelings is where I come in.
DT: But what are you?
Lil Kyle: I told you, I’m Lil Kyle! I’m Kyle’s oldest friend.
DT: But what about Kim?
Lil Kyle: The Icon? I hate to break it to you buddy, but you don’t end up with a movie starring Joan Crawford and Betty Davis if Baby Jane wasn’t kind of a bitch in the back story.
DT: But you’re a sock.
Lil Kyle: Yeah, and you look like a pile of dirty laundry, what’s your point?
DT: Hey, my mom got me this sweater!
Lil Kyle: Color me shocked. Hey, this is me being a psychic. I see…I see…in your future, I see… celibacy.
[Dear TvGasm starts dialing a number on his cell phone]
Lil Kyle: What ya doing?HKR
DT: Calling probably the only person in the world who can tell me what the hell is going on

Drunk Kim Richards: For the last time Harry Styles, no I won’t be your new girlfriend. Taylor Swift and I won a People’s Choice Award in 1978 for Best Duet in an animated short, and I don’t forget things like that!
DT: Um Miz Richards? It’s Dear TvGasm…
Drunk Kim Richards: Listen paparatzi, you’re not taking my picture!
DT: Picture? Over the phone?
Drunk Kim Richards: Duh, why do you think they call them camera phones?
DT: Um, that’s kind of a good question. I mean, look I’m with your sister Kyle….
Drunk Kim Richards: Kyle? Don’t let her steal your house!
DT: But I don’t have a house.
Drunk Kim Richards: Yeah, that sounds like Kyle.
DT: Look, the reason I’m calling is, well, have you ever heard of Lil Kyle?
Drunk Kim Richards: Oh my god, ugh, yes!
DT: Great, so how should I handle this?
Drunk Kim Richards: Is Lil Kyle eating s’mores?
DT: No.
Drunk Kim Richards: Well whatever you do, don’t let her start. Look I’ve got to go. I’m late for the set of this new movie I’m starring in. It’s called Saturn 3 and Kirk Douglas and Bonnie Franklin are my co-stars
DT: That movie came out in 1980.
Drunk Kim Richards: Like I said, I’m running late.
[Drunk Kim Richards hangs up the phone]
DT: Sooo, you’re Lil Kyle?
Lil Kyle: If you’re going to ask questions like that, maybe it would be better if you wore a bike helmet for the rest of the interview?
DT: Um, so how long have you two been…friends?
Lil Kyle: Oh wow, since Kyle was nine? No eight!
DT: How did you two meet?
Lil Kyle: Well Kyle had forgotten the words to a song for a commercial call back, and a box of Ding Dongs had gone missing out of the kitchen again, so she had to spend the rest of the day in her room. The maid hadn’t picked up the laundry yet. and boom! The world’s greatest friendship was born.
DT: Wow, words fail me.
Lil Kyle: Yeah, it’s been pretty magical. Talented youngster makes a friend with someone completely opposite from her. It’s a lot like the movie Beaches.
[Lil Kyle looks at Big Kyle]
Lil Kyle: Only in that movie Barbra Hershey had the common courtesy to die of cancer in the third act.
DT: Um, yeah, that was a good movie.
Lil Kyle: Look, let’s wrap this up, Kyle’s got to go find someone to make with some free furniture for a plug on twitter. That bonus room isn’t going to furnish its self you know.
DT: Okay, so Kyle, it seems like you have a problem with Brandi.
HKR: I don’t have a problem with Brandi.
Lil Kyle: Don’t listen to her, Brandi is horrible!
DT: How is Brandi horrible?
Lil Kyle: She’s poor!
DT: Being poor isn’t horrible.
Lil Kyle: Poor people can’t buy condos from Mauricio. If MoMo can’t sell condos Kyle ends up bunking with Kim again, which is horrible, so actually Brandi is horrible. And she never should have said that bleeped out stuff to Ad and Paul.
DT: Because?
Lil Kyle: Because Ad and Paul can buy condos. They’re good people. Okay, maybe they got a little Clone Wars when they were starting their family, but can you blame them? I mean just look at them. I don’t know about you, but if those were the chromosomes I had to work with, I’d go the Boy’s from Brazil route too.
DT: Yeah. Let’s change the subject. Kyle, what do you think of Lisa?
HKR: She’s a gem. It’s wonderful to shoot a show with someone with so much natural elegance.
Lil Kyle: Hey, have you caught Vanderpump’s Rules yet? There hasn’t been anything this bad on TV since Bay Watch Nights.

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