(This week Dear TvGasm checks in with some TV celebrity chefs)
I need no help from you. I just thought I would let all you donkeys know that two of my shows will be starting on June 4th.
You Bleeping Stupid Bleeping Bleeping Bleeping Left Handed Extremely Bleeping Cow
Dear Gordon Ramsey,
Are Hell’s Kitchen and Master Chef starting up again already? Let me see, my shirt is sticking to my back, so yes I guess it is that time of the year again. Ah, so much to look forward to.
16 fry cooks competing for the chance to be an executive chef at a swanky resort when actually they will end up being the chef de dish-pit? Check Having a show for people with no professional cooking experience where the winner gets a cook book contract? Check.
And What’s Wrong With That?
Week after week of obviously staged competitions that are tied going into the commercial break to build suspense? Check. Spending the first two minutes after ever commercial break recapping what just happened before the commercial break, so that you only end up with 30 minutes of show for an hour time block? Check. Seeing Joe Bastianich get a look on his face every time somebody tires to serve him pasta like he got when he first realized that Rogaine doesn’t treat his type of baldness? Check and double check. Good to have you back buddy! I’m finally going to be able to catch up on my reading. I hear good things about this 50 Shades of Grey
Mozzzzarellla, Prooovalone, Fet-I-chin-eeee, Cann-a-Lon-eeee, Mars-ca-Poneee…
Signed, My Neck Could Snap At Any Second
Dear Giada De Laurentiis, Now on the one hand, having a certain respect for the correct pronunciation of a foreign language is something people should do in public, and there is certainly nothing the matter with taking pride in one’s culture and ethnic cuisine. On the other hand, bafangoo! When a woman who weighs less then the smallest kid on a 6th grade wrestling team starts sounding like Chico Marx it’s just annoying. Oh and while we’re on the subject of annoying, you need to either figure out how to operate the buttons on your blouse, or tell your videographer to stop shooting you from the putana angle.
are you going to eat your fat? Tots joking braw, I’m all about the LOLS ya know? But Seriously, I was on the internet the other day looking to see when my buds Wilmer Valderrama is going to get another show (I mentioned I loves the LOLS, right?), and I saw all this hate. And it was all about me! What the hell? I mean seriously, WHAT? THE? HELL??
Seriously Bro, Are You Going to Eat Your Fat?
What’s not to love?
Dear Guy Ferrari, Why do people hate you? Well, let me see: you’re a grown man who still frosts his tips, there’s the chinstrap goatee, the sunglasses crammed on the back of your head, the several useless wrist straps you wear, and it’s not just your one man quest to keep every bad fashion trend from 2004 alive. While on camera you cram as much food into your mouth as possible and then try to talk. I’ve never watched an episode of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives where I didn’t have an uncontrollable urge to floss by the end of the show. Add to that the fact that you talk like the world’s most annoying frat bro, and you come off like if the worst parts of Franklin and Bosh gained sentience. You’re so annoying that if you came out in favor of inhaling and ejaculating, I would give serious thought to eliminating both of those activities from my daily routine.
I guess what I’m saying is that it’s not them, it’s you. Bummer brah.
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And F$%# no you can’t have my fat, that’s the best part.