Dear TvGasm: Let’s Get Cooking

Dear TVgasm

By WaffleBoy | Monday, June 4, 2012 | 10:00 am | 14 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,

(This week Dear TvGasm checks in with some TV celebrity chefs)

 

Dear TvGasm,

I need no help from you. I just thought I would let all you donkeys know that two of my shows will be starting on June 4th.

Signed,

You Bleeping Stupid Bleeping Bleeping Bleeping Left Handed  Extremely Bleeping Cow

 

Dear Gordon Ramsey,

Are Hell’s Kitchen and Master Chef starting up again already? Let me see, my shirt is sticking to my back, so yes I guess it is that time of the year again. Ah, so much to look forward to.  

16 fry cooks competing for the chance to be an executive chef at a swanky resort when actually they will end up being the chef de dish-pit? Check   Having a show for people with no professional cooking experience where the winner gets a cook book contract? Check. 

And What’s Wrong With That?

Week after week of obviously staged competitions  that are tied going into the commercial break to build suspense? Check. Spending the first two minutes after ever commercial break recapping what just happened before the commercial break, so that you only end up with 30 minutes of show for an hour time block? Check. Seeing Joe Bastianich get a look on his face every time somebody tires to serve him pasta like he got when he first realized that Rogaine doesn’t treat his type of baldness? Check and double check. Good to have you back buddy! I’m finally going to be able to catch up on my reading. I hear good things about this 50 Shades of Grey

 

 

Dear TvGasm, 

Mozzzzarellla, Prooovalone, Fet-I-chin-eeee, Cann-a-Lon-eeee, Mars-ca-Poneee…

Signed, My Neck Could Snap At Any Second

 

Dear Giada De Laurentiis, Now on the one hand, having a certain respect for the correct pronunciation of a foreign language is something  people should do in public, and there is certainly nothing the matter with taking pride in one’s culture and ethnic cuisine. On the other hand, bafangoo! When a woman who weighs less then the smallest kid on a 6th grade wrestling team starts sounding like Chico Marx it’s just annoying. Oh and while  we’re on the subject of annoying, you need to either figure out how to operate the buttons on your blouse, or tell your videographer to stop shooting you from the putana angle.

 

 

Dear Broham,

are you going to eat your fat? Tots joking braw, I’m all about the LOLS ya know? But Seriously, I was on the internet the other day looking to see when my buds Wilmer Valderrama is going to get another show (I mentioned I loves the LOLS, right?), and I saw all this hate. And it was all about me! What the hell? I mean seriously, WHAT? THE? HELL??

Signed,

Seriously Bro, Are You Going to Eat Your Fat?

What’s not to love?

Dear Guy Ferrari, Why do people hate you? Well, let me see: you’re a grown man who still frosts his tips, there’s the chinstrap goatee, the sunglasses crammed on the back of your head, the several useless wrist straps you wear, and it’s not just your one man quest to keep every bad fashion trend from 2004 alive. While on camera you cram as much food into your mouth as possible and then try to talk. I’ve never watched an episode of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives where I didn’t have an uncontrollable urge to floss by the end of the show. Add to that the fact that you talk like the world’s most annoying frat bro, and you come off like if the worst parts of Franklin and Bosh gained sentience. You’re so annoying that if you came out in favor of inhaling and ejaculating, I would give serious thought to eliminating both of those activities from my daily routine.

I guess what I’m saying is that it’s not them, it’s you. Bummer brah.

 

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter. You can post your favorite lines right back at us. If you want to play games and socialize, like our Facebook page! We’re also now on Pinterest and Tumblr! Thanks for being a part of the gasm!

 

PS

And F$%# no you can’t have my fat, that’s the best part. 

About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

14 Comments

  1. 1
    LAC LAC
    Posted June 4, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Bravo, Waffleboy! “Putana angle” – LOL!!!! I gotta remember that.

    May I add to the “things that are fucking annoying about Fieri” list? – wearing your fucking flip flops in a kitchen.

  2. 2
    mere2142
    Posted June 4, 2012 at 11:58 am

    That was brilliant! Thanks for the LOLs Bro!

  3. 3
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 4, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Wouldn’t it be easier to find a list of reasons why people like Guy Fieri? Let me start you off.

    1)….

  4. 4
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 4, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Purrrfect! Boobs and, well, boobs in the kitchen.

  5. 5
    LAC LAC
    Posted June 4, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    @vallegirl

    1) uhh…he doesn’t have gills

  6. 6
    Viane Slice
    Posted June 4, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    Hey, I watch Triple D. That’s becaues I like seeing out of the way little places busting out delicious food. Most of the time I zone out Guy. I’m more fascinated watching the chefs deal with his antics so they can get more exposure for their eateries. You can see their minds ticking, “If I can put with this clown for a couple of days, it means lots of free publicity for my place, more money in the pocket.” In these times,ya do what ya gotta do.

  7. 7
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 4, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    Wow, you actually found something “likable” about Fieri. Who knew?

  8. 8
    annie Annie
    Posted June 4, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    hahah nice job!! CAN NOT WAIT for Hells Kitchen.

    And you nailed Fieri! But…..there’s one more thing: “MMM , that is sauce / mac n cheese / burrito / etc is MONEY”

  9. 9
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 4, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    ValleGirl, you are amazing. You turned Viane’s diner owners’ putting up with that “clown” into a positive. Not easy, but you did it.

    I love chef shows. I’m just amazed that I don’t gain wait by watching. Oops. Hell’s Kitchen commercial over…

  10. 10
    zerocool
    Posted June 5, 2012 at 5:44 am

    And they are laughing all the way to the bank!

  11. 11
    lindaw205
    Posted June 5, 2012 at 6:51 am

    I like Triple D, too, but I sometimes have to take a break from it because he gets SO annoying. I remember this one time this one guy just could not fake it and his disgust for Ferry (can you believe he changed his name to Fieri on purpose) was all over his face. It was my favorite episode ever. But they do showcase some awesome places.

  12. 12
    Mimo
    Posted June 5, 2012 at 6:54 am

    I watch to check out his car.

    Seriously, he does find some great diners. We had a little BBQ joint near us and I think my husband was one of the few who even knew about it. Guy featured it, and now my husband has to wait in line to order his ribs.

  13. 13
    wcsdancer
    Posted June 5, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thinks Fieri is a douche! Don’t forget the lame “on an express ride to flavortown” and the other annoying sayings of his. I do like seeing the places featured on DDD but Guy is so hard to tolerate. In addition, he’s like Rachel Ray…he’s freaking everywhere!

  14. 14
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted June 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    “Ferry (can you believe he changed his name to Fieri on purpose)”

    I didn’t know that, but I looked it up and it’s true. It makes him even dooshier. Then there is his pronunciation: fee-eh-TEEE. That completes his personal journey from dooshy to dooshier all the way to dooshiest.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.