Dear TvGasm: Real Housewives

(If there are any people in need of ongoing advice on TV, they are the ladies of The Real Housewives franchises. Let’s check in with the girls and see what they are up to this month.)

Dear TvGasm,

Oh. My. God. OH! MY! GOD!! Can you believe the nerve of that LuAnn?? Trying to blame me for causing trouble, even though her kids are running amok!!? Let me tell you something, if I wasn’t watching those kids’ house from my parked car through night vision binoculars they’d never get any adult supervision!! And Do you know why? Because LuAnn is chasing French bois all over town!!! I’m not using the word whore, but WHORE, mother, shameful children!!! What?? I have no filter!!

Oh and don’t get me started on that awful tummy wrapper woman. Don’t! Get! ME!! STARTED!!! Heather? Is that her name? She’s an over talker! She interrupts people!! Even when you’re just trying to make her feel better about her child needing a liver transplant, by telling her how you thought your baby was going to be stillborn, she can’t even say thank you. Well she did, but she kept talking  about herself. Can you believe it??!!!

Signed, Pinot Grigio Relaxes Me

Dear Ramona,

Okay young lady, step away from the bath salts. Don’t get wrong, we all appreciate that you are trying to keep the show interesting by not only feuding with every other member of the cast, but also with the mailbox in front of your house, and those two squirrels from the park that “eyeballed” you that one time. That being said, I don’t think anyone can keep up this pace of assholishness for 20+ episodes of TV. You’ll blow out your knee, or maybe pop an eyeball.

Hey, Marty Feldman! calm down

Pick your spots Ramona. Fight with one person an episode. Focus that rage. Oh and don’t eat the faces off any homeless people. Hugs!!!

Dear TvGasm, 

Everyone is saying I’m a big fake. They’re just being mean, right?

Signed, Jesus liked mini-skirts. It’s in the Bible

Yes I’m a reporter, just like Katie Curic 

Dear Alexis,

Sweetie, if you worked in a steel mill your boobs and face would melt from the heat. You wear costume jewelry and drive around in leased cars. Your husband seems to have recently crammed a large piece of plastic into his F-ing chin. So one the one hand, yes, you are an incredible giant fakey McFaker living in Fakeganistan. 

That being said, being called out on being a fake by Tamera and Gretchen is like being called out on your diet choices by Dear TvGasm, (after he brushes about two pounds of pork rind crumbs off his shirt. Mmmmmm, pork rinds!) Personally I think your news career is slightly more real then the heterosexual elements of Tamera’s relationship with Eddie, or Slade’s credit score.

Besides, there is no such thing as a “real” Real Housewife. And thank god for that! You know what is full of real people? A city bus, and how many people Tivo those? Exactly, I rest my case.

I love the fake you. Now lets rehearse for your news anchor career. Imagine a mine cave-in with lepers and a giraffe. Wait, let me get more pork rinds. Actually, why don’t you get them for me? I’m kind of wedged into the couch. Thanks you’re a gem. Well, a cubic zirconium. Now, back to the lepers. Action!

Dear TvGasm,

Why can’t Teresa just be nice? Why can’t we just be a big happy family? 

Signed, It Wasn’t A Strip Club, It Was A Hot Dog Cart

Me and my boobs just can’t figure it out

Dear Melissa,

Let me answer your questions with a question. Who gets up in the morning and thinks to themselves, man, how can I get more Teresa and Joe Guidice in my life? Even when they aren’t making an effort to be complete assholes, and that happens as often as when Halley’s Comet stops by for a visit, they are two incredibly awful people. I mean do you really want a bi-monthly graphic update on their sex life? Their kids act like the road cast of Lord of the Flies. What is just so damn appealing about these people that you have to constantly snivel that you aren’t spending more time with them? I hate to break it to you, but Teresa and Joe are the poster kids for dead bolt locks.

Wouldn’t you like these people sitting in your living room right now? No? That’s because you’re sane 

So why the constant pining two people who are physical proof that not only are human beings the product of evolution, but that some of us only got around to walking upright within the last 50 years? Oh, that’s right, it’s a story line.

You just want to be friends but crazy old Teresa is mean because, well because she’s crazy old Teresa. As far as story lines go it’s a good one, because let’s face it, Teresa is a skunk. Do something she doesn’t like and she makes a big stink. Add to that Teresa hates you like literacy and natural fabrics. So all you have to do to play the victim card is give her a poke about being more close every couple of episodes,  and Teresa sprays crazy, blinky, hate all over everyone’s TV. Well played Melissa, well played indeed.

So to answer your question, no you aren’t going to get to be a big happy fambly, but the upside is we don’t have to listen about your musical career. Everyone’s a winner. Well I am anyway, and I have to take my small victories where I can find them.

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