By PennyDreadful and Dear Crabby
What career is open to someone who’s alcoholic, hates children and has absolutely no talent in doing hair or makeup?
Hugs & Kisses,
TVGasm: Why, doing hair and makeup for regional, little-kid beauty pageants! How can you tell if the pageant industry is for you? Answer the following questions and find out!
How do you like to spend your weekends?
A. Screaming about needing your space
B. Yelling at the E-Team’s idiotic publicist, Andrew
C. Tossing around the f-word
D. Doing a mediocre job at slapping pancake makeup on youthful skin
E. Teasing girls’ hair until they cry like the little bitches they are
F. All of the above
Who would you rather be friends with?
A. Delusional mother whose untalented kid can’t read, the “Mickie Woods” factor
B. Delusional mother whose kid was named after a squid and who has obsessive use of the c-word, the “Jennifer Faux-Lo” factor
C. Delusional mother whose kid will have major eating disorders when she gets older, the “Melissa/Mt. Dew breakdown” factor
D. Delusional mother who prefers one twin over the other, the “Jamie Sterling/Kelly of turkey fame” factor.
E. Delusional mother who bribes her monster with Build-a-Bears and cash, the “Candy-ass” factor
F. All of the above combined into one mother named Delusiona
What is your favorite way to keep a child active?
A. Pixie Stix
B. Red Bull
C. Mt. Dew
D. Coffee and doughnuts
F. All of the above in a blender and served in a sippy cup
Where is the best place for a dad to be during a pageant?
A. Calming the mother down
B. Paying the fees
C. Keeping the daughter in $3,000 dresses
D. Subsidizing a live-in pageant coach
E. All of the above
When working with a pageant director, which characteristics do you prefer?
A. The “Annette Hill” – passionate, funny, making sure the one with boobs always wins
B. The “Betty” – cigarette and scotch-infused voice, finally dressing her age, dancing on the bar
C. The “Maxine” – loves what she does, cannot believe the moronic mothers she has to separate like she’s on a family vacation to Disney
D. The “Mr. Todd” – fun, fantastic and faaaabulous costume changes
E. The “Tonya” – TVGasm commenter, good sense of humor, thyroid-issue contained
F. The “Lisa Fulgham” who dislikes kids and is really just there to steal people’s money
When working with judges, which do you prefer?
A. Creepers retrieved from the stapler isle of the local office supply store
B. Flock of Seagulls 80s haircut who loves to dish but does not like treacherous hair
C. Tight-ass mother superior type who wants the girls to LOOK AT THE JUDGES! LOOK AT THEM!
D. Former pageant winners who wear their crown, flippers and a set of double-Ds while judging
E. Those specifically picked by Mickie Wood to ensure a successful outcome for the girl she and Eden are “consulting with.”
What is your favorite pageant mom size?
C. June, Honey Boo-Boo’s mother, “Jackin’ it to Jowel City”
D. Quintuple Chins
E. Jabba the Hut
What levels of children do you prefer to work with?
C. Pageant haters
D. Obscene-mouth-gesture makers
E. “The Squid” – the child that bites, kicks, punches, swears, spends much of her time growling instead of putting together any type of sentence; usually found from the DNA of a foul-mouthed mother with no sense of humor
Least favorite type of child:
A. The “Isabella,” – pretty, smart and well-mannered
B. The “Gabby,” – cute, smart and well-mannered
C. The “Brock,” – adorable, smart and well-mannered
D. The “Isis,” – asthmatic, smart and well-mannered
E. The “Chooky,” – hilarious, smart and well-mannered, with excellent moves!