Dear TVGasm: Toddlers and Tiaras Style

Dear TVgasm

By DearCrabby | Monday, June 18, 2012 | 11:46 am | 29 Comments
Tagged: , , , ,

By PennyDreadful and Dear Crabby

What career is open to someone who’s alcoholic, hates children and has absolutely no talent in doing hair or makeup?

Hugs & Kisses,

     Fransolonely Cutabitch

TVGasm:  Why, doing hair and makeup for regional, little-kid beauty pageants!  How can you tell if the pageant industry is for you? Answer the following questions and find out!

How do you like to spend your weekends?
A. Screaming about needing your space
B. Yelling at the E-Team’s idiotic publicist, Andrew
C. Tossing around the f-word
D. Doing a mediocre job at slapping pancake makeup on youthful skin
E. Teasing girls’ hair until they cry like the little bitches they are
F. All of the above



Who would you rather be friends with?
A. Delusional mother whose untalented kid can’t read, the “Mickie Woods” factor
B. Delusional mother whose kid was named after a squid and who has obsessive use of the c-word, the “Jennifer Faux-Lo” factor
C. Delusional mother whose kid will have major eating disorders when she gets older, the “Melissa/Mt. Dew breakdown” factor
D. Delusional mother who prefers one twin over the other, the “Jamie Sterling/Kelly of turkey fame” factor.
E. Delusional mother who bribes her monster with Build-a-Bears and cash, the “Candy-ass” factor
F. All of the above combined into one mother named Delusiona


What is your favorite way to keep a child active?
A. Pixie Stix
B. Red Bull
C. Mt. Dew
D. Coffee and doughnuts
E. Cocaine
F. All of the above in a blender and served in a sippy cup


Where is the best place for a dad to be during a pageant?
A. Calming the mother down
B. Paying the fees
C. Keeping the daughter in $3,000 dresses
D. Subsidizing a live-in pageant coach
E. All of the above
F. Non-existent


When working with a pageant director, which characteristics do you prefer?
A. The “Annette Hill” – passionate, funny, making sure the one with boobs always wins
B. The “Betty” – cigarette and scotch-infused voice, finally dressing her age, dancing on the bar
C. The “Maxine” – loves what she does, cannot believe the moronic mothers she has to separate like she’s on a family vacation to Disney
D. The “Mr. Todd” – fun, fantastic and faaaabulous costume changes
E. The “Tonya” – TVGasm commenter, good sense of humor, thyroid-issue contained
F. The “Lisa Fulgham” who dislikes kids and is really just there to steal people’s money

OR  



When working with judges, which do you prefer?
A. Creepers retrieved from the stapler isle of the local office supply store
B. Flock of Seagulls 80s haircut who loves to dish but does not like treacherous hair
C. Tight-ass mother superior type who wants the girls to LOOK AT THE JUDGES! LOOK AT THEM!
D. Former pageant winners who wear their crown, flippers and a set of double-Ds while judging
E. Those specifically picked by Mickie Wood to ensure a successful outcome for the girl she and Eden are “consulting with.”

OR

What is your favorite pageant mom size?
A. Large
B. Larger
C. June, Honey Boo-Boo’s mother, “Jackin’ it to Jowel City”
D. Quintuple Chins
E. Jabba the Hut


What levels of children do you prefer to work with?
A. Screamers
B. Nose-pickers
C. Pageant haters
D. Obscene-mouth-gesture makers
E. “The Squid” – the child that bites, kicks, punches, swears, spends much of her time growling instead of putting together any type of sentence; usually found from the DNA of a foul-mouthed mother with no sense of humor

Least favorite type of child:
A. The “Isabella,” – pretty, smart and well-mannered
B. The “Gabby,” – cute, smart and well-mannered
C. The “Brock,” – adorable, smart and well-mannered
D. The “Isis,” – asthmatic, smart and well-mannered
E. The “Chooky,” – hilarious, smart and well-mannered, with excellent moves!

AND

Pages: 1 2 3

A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

29 Comments

  1. 1
    TVKimmy TVKimmy
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Absolute perfection! I’ve been laughing so hard, my ribs are killing me!

    *stands and applauds* Snarkle on, you fabulous bitch and a hearty thanks for being the gift that keeps on giving. ;)

  2. 2
    Sparkle McSnarkle Sparkle McSnarkle
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    Snarkle Baby!!

  3. 3
    Moli Moli
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Bwhahahahahahahahahhahahaaha*deep intake of air*bwhahahahahahahahahahahaha

  4. 4
    wcsdancer
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    I don’t watch the shows (but I’ve seen the commercials). Unfortunately, it isn’t only pagaent moms who do the naming things you listed. *Gaaaaaa!* someone needs to tell people that deliberately misspelling your child’s name doesn’t make you look clever or unique, it makes you look illiterate. And trashy. And trying WAY too hard.

  5. 5
    Fan-Ann
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    This is wonderful. I can’t help wondering if one of the crazy moms reading it will come upon your MEDUSA caption and immediately think, “Dammit, there’s a pageant where my baby can be crowned Miss USA and get to marry a doctor too? Jealous hater bitches didn’t want me to know.” Because yes, that is a real thing.

  6. 6
    melonhead
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    God bless you, Penny and Crabby! You are my heroes!

  7. 7
    scottywrangler Scottywrangler
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Work it girls! This was awesome!

  8. 8
    kloewent
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    I thought it was “FANCY” child molesters, not just regular ones, that would be trashy!! also, who was that humogously ugly mother on the what size of mother question, that was an eye burner!!!!

  9. 9
    Chicken Lips
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Awe. Some. Any other words would just cheapen it.

  10. 10
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 9:29 pm

    OMG @DearCrabby I was already LMAO. Even before I got to Miss Manteca and had to put Kleenex on my eyes!

  11. 11
    (J)ustPeachy
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    Yes. That was awesome.

  12. 12
    Beth
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 9:59 pm

    Ahhhhhh!!!!! That was AWESOME :) Glad Gabby made the list of the ones you don’t want your pageant kid to be like, lol! Can’t wait until the new season begins and I can laugh along with you all!!!

  13. 13
    Laura Gill Laura Gill
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 11:40 pm

    You forgot, “I’m [insert name] and my daughter/son/squid [insert name] is pageant royalty.”

  14. 14
    RazzBeth
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 3:48 am

    You’re just jealous. ;-)

  15. 15
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 4:52 am

    Epic. Win.

  16. 16
    Closet Fan
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 6:45 am

    Laugh out loud! I had so much fun reading I had to play along :)

    How do you like to spend your weekends?
    A. Screaming about needing your space
    Who would you rather be friends with?
    F. All of the above combined into one mother named Delusiona
    What is your favorite way to keep a child active?
    A. Pixie Stix
    Where is the best place for a dad to be during a pageant?
    D. Subsidizing a live-in pageant coach
    When working with a pageant director, which characteristics do you prefer?
    D. The “Mr. Todd” – fun, fantastic and faaaabulous costume changes
    When working with judges, which do you prefer?
    C. Tight-ass mother superior type who wants the girls to LOOK AT THE JUDGES! LOOK AT THEM!
    What is your favorite pageant mom size?
    C. June, Honey Boo-Boo’s mother, “Jackin’ it to Jowel City”
    What levels of children do you prefer to work with?
    E. “The Squid” – the child that bites, kicks, punches, swears, spends much of her time growling instead of putting together any type of sentence; usually found from the DNA of a foul-mouthed mother with no sense of humor
    Least favorite type of child:
    B. The “Gabby,” – cute, smart and well-mannered
    Your favorite word for describing a recapper:
    C. Cunderthunt (This is my new favorite word)
    How much money are you willing to spend on your child’s pageant career?
    B. Every cent my husband earns plus everything in our 401K. Our pageant earnings will fund our retirement!
    When naming your child, which naming convention appeals most to you?
    H. All of the above! My child is special and unique!
    Which product do you feel is most appropriate for a pageant contestant to endorse?
    B. Tanning salon
    What talent does your child have?
    A. Killing bugs
    Which of the following pageant terms do you know/have used?
    K. Pro-Am (I have never heard of this one. What does it mean?)
    You prefer pageant moms to dress:
    C. Wearing an enormous button with a photo of their child, who is standing right next to them
    Pageants are wonderful training for your child’s future career as:
    D. Nobel prize-winning nuclear physicist (Only if you are Gabby)
    Crowning is:
    D. Pretty straightforward, because I always pay extra to have my child “win” a crown for Most Photogenic or Best Smile or Didn’t Fall Down.
    Which of the following best describes the reason you put your child in pageants?
    E. To gain the poise and confidence she’ll need when she starts working at The Pony.
    The ideal Outfit of Choice is:
    E. Resembling a dead pedophile celebrity.

  17. 17
    Dear Crabby
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 7:40 am

    I have to shout out to PennyDreadful for coming up with this idea – it was great working with her!

    Also – the Medusa head is how I look in the morning. And most of the day.

    @Beth – Gabby had to be in the good pile, you know how much we love you and your girls – always glad to have you with us!

    Just a few more weeks until T&T starts up again – but check out Eden’s World to get your fix – seriously, sometimes I wish the show ran a full hour, haha!

  18. 18
    caligal
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 9:10 am

    I swear when Caliguy and I get married, I’m going to have Sondra from Boston make me the BEST EVER wedding dress with dymunds and lights. Then,as I walk down the aisle, instead of having a nice version of “Here Comes the Bride”, I’ll just have my bridesmaids yell “git it grrrl” and my mom, with tears rolling down her cheeks holla “Shparkle bahby” ala Mickey Wood.
    Now anyone know if Fransolonely Cutabitch does weddings??

  19. 19
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    You two are the BESTEST! If that were any funnier Flipit would have to fold his tent and get his camel out of the TVgasm business because nobody could top it for hilarity. Of course, with that material, how could you miss?

    The sad thing is that having read every one of DearC’s recaps of every single epi of the show, plus every solitary comment from Gasmii and anti-Gasmii alike, I didn’t miss a reference. Most of my answers to the quiz were along the lines of gaaack!

    I hope my sides stop hurting soon. I want to reread it, but I’m afraid to.

  20. 20
    Closet Fan
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    That was fun!

  21. 21
    Snarky Shark
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 9:29 pm

    I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I kinda hope Squidly’s mom comes back to rag about you talkin shit about her little grunt…I mean runt.

    However – Fransoly is aware of TVGasm – she posted a link to one of Eden’s recaps on Heather’s wall at the beginning of the season. Bitch deserves to know what the internets think of her.

  22. 22
    Pageant-grandma
    Posted June 20, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    Too funny!

  23. 23
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted June 20, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    It can’t be said enough how clever you guys are.

  24. 24
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 20, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    Dang! I was hoping one of the moms would respond, but that would take a sense of humor.

  25. 25
    Beth
    Posted June 20, 2012 at 9:51 pm

    @ClosetFan Pro Am is a style of “modeling” with more gymnastic type moves…ie., kicks, spins, splits, cartwheels, flips, turns. Think more than just runway modeling!

    @DearCrabby Awe, gee, thanks!!!

    @Caligal I’ll hook you up with Fran, I have her in my contacts (Yes, seriously, I do, we are friends. Everyone, don’t hyperventilate at once!) For the right price she’ll go anywhere ;)

    @SnarkySnark Funny thing is that it was Fran that told me about Dear Crabby a long time ago :)

    ***And I DO NOT prefer the Flock of Seagulls judges, the one with the dead possum on his head! Gabby said he creeped her out while she was on stage with a weird creepy smile, lol!! She can pick them a mile away even with blinding lights in her eyes :D LMAO

  26. 26
    Fran Cutabitch
    Posted June 22, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    hey !!! is Miss Fran cutabitch lol i read ur blog every week and i love it lol let me know if u need me to do ur h/m xoxxo

  27. 27
    Penny Ruxpin
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    Manteca California, or Manteca as in the lard? Miss Lard would be appropriate. I live in California, and I am always amazed by the amount of heavy parents and participants featured in the California episodes. I know my childhood eating disorder kept the chub in check.

  28. 28
    Bluedog
    Posted July 30, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Recently went to a glitz pageant here in Oz.

    Walked straight in noone at the door to take money. We could have been the local chapter of the child molester society (I can’t spell peadophile)
    A mother actually yelled out sparkle baby.
    No pixiestix (can’t buy them here) but a few with bags of food from the restaurant ? down the road with a big M.
    A family of 8 with t shirts with a photo of the little pageant star on it.
    Parents who flew across the country to maybe win a trophy, sash and crown.
    Lots of tantrums and some of them were from the children.

  29. 29
    ellemenop
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 8:33 am

    i JUST found this … what a fab surprise for when i was falling asleep and waiting for it to be the damn weekend.

    my husband HATES t&t but is, for some distubring reason that i’ve yet to figure out, a big fan of “original/different” names, which i REFUSE to ever curse my child with. i need to show him your section on naming methodology to get him to shut up. i usually just point out ridiculous t&t names to him but it hasn’t been an effective deterrent yet.

    @kloewent – that was june, aka honey boo boo’s mama

    @caligal – BAHAHAHAHA. that comment made my day. if someone were to ACTUALLY do that, i would hope they invite me to their wedding. i won’t take away points for not making eye contact with the judges.

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