Your favorite word for describing a recapper:
D. Lowest type of trash
E. Child molester
G. Welfare recipient
H. Unemployed “looser”
I. Waste of space
J. Mentally ill and deranged
K. Fat ugly ass loser
L. “Tralior” trash
M. Sick freak
O. All of the above at once
How much money are you willing to spend on your child’s pageant career?
A. Every cent my husband earns
B. Every cent my husband earns plus everything in our 401K. Our pageant earnings will fund our retirement!
C. As much as I can earn from posing for a semi-nude calendar and being a “waitress”
When naming your child, which naming convention appeals most to you?
A. Random apostrophes
B. Replacing “i” with “y”
C. Geographic place names (bonus points if you don’t actually live in the locale)
D. Combining both parents’ names
E. Anything aquatic
F. Replacing “c” with “k”
G. Deliberate misspellings
H. All of the above! My child is special and unique!
Which product do you feel is most appropriate for a pageant contestant to endorse?
B. Tanning salon
D. Local minigolf course
E. Anything :”sexy”
What talent does your child have?
A. Killing bugs
B. Picking nose
C. Falling down
D. Standing onstage like a block of wood
E. “Modeling” a/k/a practicing for a future career as a stripper
F. Needing to use the bathroom right before they’re due onstage
Which of the following pageant terms do you know/have used?
A. Total package
B. Pretty feet
E. Sparkle baby
F. Bumped up
G. Sassy walk
H. Outfit of Choice
J. Full glitz
L. Go juice
M. Came to win
You prefer pageant moms to dress:
A. Casual but smart
B. In an old oversized sloppy t-shirt and pull-on polyester pants
C. Wearing an enormous button with a photo of their child, who is standing right next to them
D. In anything that covers their gigantic butt
Pageants are wonderful training for your child’s future career as:
A. An exotic dancer
B. Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend
C. Star of low-budget porn films
D. Nobel prize-winning nuclear physicist
A. Something best talked about only in the labor room.
B. What happened to Queen Elizabeth 60 years ago.
C. Completely confusing. If you don’t win in age or division, that means you’ve won a higher title?
D. Pretty straightforward, because I always pay extra to have my child “win” a crown for Most Photogenic or Best Smile or Didn’t Fall Down.
E. The pinnacle or nadir, of my life, depending on the outcome.
Which of the following best describes the reason you put your child in pageants?
A. So they can have fun and play dress-up.
B. I want to recapture my long-lost youth when I won Miss Manteca 3 years in a row.
C. So she can one day be Miss America/Universe.
D. I want to live through my child and put so much pressure on her she has a nervous breakdown/drug habit by the time she’s 12.
E. To gain the poise and confidence she’ll need when she starts working at The Pony.
The ideal Outfit of Choice is:
A. Patriotic. I’m proud to be an American!
B. Cute. Dimples and Good Ship Lollipop never fail!
C. Western. Yee ha!
D. Character costume. Who doesn’t love Care Bears?
E. Resembling a dead pedophile celebrity.
F. As slutty as possible.
SCORE: Compile your total amount of answers for each letter. If you scored mostly As, Bs, Cs or any other letter: Welcome to the exciting world of cutthroat international competition that is the American child pageant scene! We look forward to seeing you on T&T, Eden’s World or another fine pageant show so we can mercilessly snark on you and your child!