Dear TvGasm: True Blood

(This week Dear TvGasm answers questions from some of the characters on the HBO show True Blood)

Dear TvGasm,

I’m having a problem with a friend. Now the back story might take some time, but it helps to understand my problem.  Okay, awhile back I got kind of friendly with this guy who works construction, and who is also a werewolf. Everything was very platonic. I mean, he was totally into me, but I was having a relationship with a vampire who was suffering from amnesia, so that wasn’t happening.

This werewolf construction guy was looking out for me, because I had kind of a situation with the ghost of a 500 year old witch, but nothing was happening. The only problem was the werewolf had a girlfriend, and she thought there was something going on between her boyfriend and I. She blew things way out of proportion, and tried to kill me. My best friend who had been in a secret lesbian fight club, stepped between us and got shot in the head.

Well, I wasn’t going to lose a best friend who was willing to take a bullet from a jealous werewolf girlfriend, so I got another vampire to turn my dead friend. This vampire wasn’t an ex-boyfriend, although she’s bi-sexual, so I’m sure she’s got a thing for me too.

Anyway, ever since my friend became a vampire, she’s been bellyaching non-stop about how she always hated vampires, and would have rather be dead then be a vampire. So my question is should I say something to my friend about being so ungrateful for all I’ve done for her?

Signed, I’m so Wonderful Because I’m Part Fairy

These are my ex’s. Eh, something better will come along

Dear Sookie,  Oh it must be Summer, because everyone’s favorite 102 pound ball of solid id is back. Don’t worry about Tara, I’m sure she will come around and want to friends again. Everyone loves you! And by everyone, I mean the show’s writers love you. It will all work out for you, and if it doesn’t I’m sure you’ll get like a hunky were-tiger boyfriend to take your mind off it.

Dear TvGasm, 

This is it. This is the season I finally deal with my sex addiction, and learn to share my feelings with women in a healthy and positive just be friends way

Signed, Andy May Be Smarter Then Me, But My Butt Would Get More Hits On Youtube.

Less filling and tastes great? How is that even possible???

Dear Jason, now on the one hand, using sex to take the place of the place of intimacy is never the answer. On the other hand, you’re Jason freaking Stackhouse, humping is what you do best, and nobody is really looking forward to a five minute scene where you talk about your feelings. You know, unless you’re naked.

Look we all know that you haven’t had the best of luck with your hookups lately. Your oldest best friend not only won’t talk to you since you slept with his one true love, but he’s wearing eyeliner, and wearing really unfortunate tank-tops. It doesn’t help that Jessica was kind of using you as a booty call in between what had to be the lamest vampire house parties ever shown on pay cable. And let’s talk about the elephant in the room, getting gang raped by were-panthers last season didn’t do your libido any favors I’m sure. (Although if the social worker had needed to use anatomically correct plush toys to help you explain what happened, it would have been HI-sterical)

The good news, at least for people who like you to wander around without a shirt, is that this is True Blood; sooner or later, the writers are going to need a sex scene, and bam! You’ll be right back in the saddle again, and not to put any pressure on you, but if you haven’t found a girl by then, well the former Reverend Steve has his eye on you.