(Hi there Gasmi, did you have a good holiday? Well if you didn’t it’s on your own head. Honestly if you can’t deal with your family for one day even when you get to eat a minimum if three starches with your meal, and two types of pie afterwards, the blame starts shifting from them to your dear hearts. Anyway, this week in completely fake advice to C list celebrities who aren’t even aware they have a problem we check in with Real Housewives of Beverly Hills‘s newest Schadenfreude attracter Yolanda Foster)
Dear TvGasm, ach! These all-full, all-full wimim. They drink. They sleep with everyone in der town. I do not know about these wimim. I am just trying to live mein fabulous life with my wonderful family, NEIN!
Nein! Schatzi, NEIN! Put down that grape! You can not walk in Milan if you are waddling around with little speckbauch. Don’t make mama crate you again liebling. PUT! DOWN! DER! GRAPENFRUITEN!!! That est un goot girl. You know Mama only does this because she loves you schnuckelchen. Now go in the bathroom and later Mama will give you the special drops so your eyes do not look like ching chang chinaman’s.
What was I saying? Yes I just want to spend der time wit mien loving family. And der husband who loves me also. Do you know he writes the love letters to me every day? Est true. And they are very romantic, he helps Michael Buble and Josh Groban make der muzkic tunes, so everytink est most romantic.
But these other wimim? I do not know about them. I do not think they make the fabulous like I do.
Signed, I Could Be Martha Stewart’s Daughter. What Do you Mean Or Her Sister?
Dear Yolanda Foster, ah mien schnuckiputzi,let me just say that you are doing your part to make this a fabulous season of RHOBH, so thank you! I mean after two seasons we know exactly what we are getting from the rest of the wimim, sorry, women, but you schatzi, you’re a whole bad new bag of dysfunction for us to dive into, so yay for the woman who sounds like a war criminal!
Now as a new cast member of a Real Housewives’s show you have some concerns about the women you are having to film with. This is perfectly natural. So let’s take a look at your concerns.
Yes, Taylor is horrible, and you are better than her. Just keep in mind that being a better person than Taylor is a lot like passing the Voight-Kampff Test in the movie Blade Runner. It doesn’t make you special, it just shows you have the basic raw amount of humanity that we don’t have to worry about you hijacking a shuttle, and returning to Earth to lure Larry from The Newhart Show into your fell schemes. And seeing as your hair is the same color as Rutger Hauer’s was in that movie, thanks for clearing that up for me!
You are walking in the desert. You see a woman wedged into a suitcase…
Now as for your little misunderstanding with Brandi. Seeing as you sound a lot like Kevin Nealon in a Hans and Frans sketch, I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt in not understanding what Brandi said. Okay here is the quickest way to break this down You said: “It’s a small town” Brandi: “You know everyone, you’ve slept with everyone, it’s all good”
Okay that sounds bad, but here is the thing. Brandi didn’t literally mean you, Yolanda Foster had slept with everyone in town. Brandi was just agreeing that Beverly Hills is a very small town. Brandi worked sex into the conversation, because Brandi always try to work sex into the conversation, because she is compensating for losing her last husband to an anorexic yodeling raccoon. What? That’s Leann Rimes? Are you high? [Dear TvGasm goes to Google Images] Well I will be damned. You learn something new every day, don’t you? The good news is I can take those bricks off the lid of my trash can now. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh right, whether or not Brandi called you a total Lucy Loose Labia, and to clear this up, um, no she didn’t.
So anyway, Yolanda, welcome to the show, and we’ll talk about your fabulous family life the next time. Hugs!
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