Dear TvGasm: Yolanda Foster

Watercooler

By WaffleBoy | Monday, November 26, 2012 | 6:00 am | 33 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Dear TVgasm, Watercooler

(Hi there Gasmi, did you have a good holiday? Well if you didn’t it’s on your own head. Honestly if you can’t deal with your family for one day even when you get to eat a minimum if three starches with your meal, and two types of pie afterwards, the blame starts shifting from them to your dear hearts. Anyway, this week in completely fake advice to C list celebrities who aren’t even aware they have a problem we check in with Real Housewives of Beverly Hills‘s newest Schadenfreude attracter  Yolanda Foster)

 

 

Dear TvGasm, ach! These all-full, all-full wimim. They drink. They sleep with everyone in der town. I do not know about these wimim.  I am just trying to live mein fabulous life with my wonderful family, NEIN!

Nein! Schatzi, NEIN! Put down that grape! You can not walk in Milan if you are waddling around with little speckbauch. Don’t make mama crate you again liebling. PUT! DOWN! DER! GRAPENFRUITEN!!! That est un goot girl. You know Mama only does this because she loves you schnuckelchen. Now go in the bathroom and later Mama will give you the special drops so your eyes do not look like ching chang chinaman’s.

What was I saying? Yes I just want to spend der time wit mien loving family. And der husband who loves me also. Do you know he writes the love letters to me every day? Est true. And they are very romantic, he helps Michael Buble and Josh Groban make der muzkic tunes, so everytink est most romantic.

But these other wimim? I do not know about them. I do not think they make the fabulous like I do.

Signed, I Could Be Martha Stewart’s Daughter. What Do you Mean Or Her Sister?

 

Dear Yolanda Foster, ah mien schnuckiputzi,let me just say that you are doing your part to make this a fabulous season of RHOBH, so thank you! I mean after two seasons we know exactly what we are getting from the rest of the wimim, sorry, women, but you schatzi, you’re a whole bad new bag of dysfunction for us to dive into, so yay for the woman who sounds like a war criminal!

Now as a new cast member of a Real Housewives’s show you have some concerns about the women you are having to film with. This is perfectly natural. So let’s take a look at your concerns.

Yes, Taylor is horrible, and you are better than her. Just keep in mind that being a better person than Taylor is a lot like passing the Voight-Kampff Test in the movie Blade Runner. It doesn’t make you special, it just shows you have the basic raw amount of humanity that we don’t have to worry about you hijacking a shuttle, and returning to Earth to lure Larry from The Newhart Show into your fell schemes. And seeing as your hair is the same color as Rutger Hauer’s was in that movie, thanks for clearing that up for me!

 

You are walking in the desert. You see a woman wedged into a suitcase…

Now as for your little misunderstanding with Brandi. Seeing as you sound a lot like Kevin Nealon in a Hans and Frans sketch, I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt in not understanding what Brandi said. Okay here is the quickest way to break this down  You said: “It’s a small town” Brandi: “You know everyone, you’ve slept with everyone, it’s all good”

Okay that sounds bad, but here is the thing. Brandi didn’t literally mean you, Yolanda Foster had slept with everyone in town. Brandi was just agreeing that Beverly Hills is a very small town. Brandi worked sex into the conversation, because Brandi always try to work sex into the conversation, because she is compensating for losing her last husband to an anorexic yodeling raccoon. What? That’s Leann Rimes? Are you high? [Dear TvGasm goes to Google Images] Well I will be damned. You learn something new every day, don’t you? The good news is I can take those bricks off the lid of my trash can now. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh right, whether or not Brandi called you a total Lucy Loose Labia, and to clear this up, um, no she didn’t.

So anyway, Yolanda, welcome to the show, and we’ll talk about your fabulous family life the next time. Hugs!

 

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About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

33 Comments

  1. 1
    cherrylipgloss
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 6:46 am

    “you are walking in the desert….you see a woman wedged in a suitcase” laughter
    and can’t leave out the taking the bricks off your trash can lid comment. love your sense of humor.

  2. 2
    Nikki
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 6:56 am

    Thanks for blowing my cover at work! Billing is not supposed to be funny.

  3. 3
    Say
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 7:14 am

    Dutch and German are two completely different languages. Coming from Holland, Yolanda speaks dutch, so I don’t get why you use german words like “nein”. I tought that was kinda lame and pretty much killed any point you were trying to make.

  4. 4
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 8:37 am

    Maybe Dutch and German are two different languages (who knew?), but Yolanda DOES “sound a lot like Kevin Nealon in a Hans and Frans sketch” and neither Hans nor Frans was supposed to be Dutch.

  5. 5
    cherrylipgloss
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 9:00 am

    eh….@say was taking himself way too seriously…..@crankyguy, German OR Dutch it didn’t kill your sense of humor.
    (btw, I’m german)

  6. 6
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 9:48 am

    He also used the word “GRAPENFRUITEN” so because that isn’t a real word the point was lost?

    Man people can be so literal these days…poor Say. I hope things turn around for you.

  7. 7
    Say
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 10:14 am

    @Classy Drunk: Things are just fine for me, thanks for caring :)

    I do think I have a sense of humour since I enjoy most of the recaps on this site. I’m just saying I don’t find this one in particular funny.

    The accent mix up kills it for me. There is no reason to make her speak german as there is to make her speak spanish or french. Sorry if you don’t agree, but I’m entitled to my opinion.

  8. 8
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 10:30 am

    I never said that you weren’t entitled to it….

    So maybe you aren’t so literal after all….

  9. 9
    labowner
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 10:39 am

    I didn’t know we were suppose to chime in with our opinion when we don’t find something funny.

    Say I don’t find your post funny at all.

  10. 10
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 11:13 am

    That’s weird, I thought Yolonda was from Flemovia…? I still laughed, love you WaffleBoy… :)

  11. 11
    andsoIsay
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Say it ain’t so

  12. 12
    outhousecat
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Dayum Say. If you’re that concerned about accents coming and going, I’m surprised Lez and Dick didn’t cause you a fucking coronary last night.

  13. 13
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Wow, WBoy that vas wunderbar!! While I was splitting trying not to spit-take while reading, I couldn’t help thinking if this doesn’t make KM throw down her meds and wade in with one of her signature rants, nothing will.

    Then all of a sudden @Say popped up and, well, let me just say that life is gut nacheinmal! Danke Say!

  14. 14
    BobCatty
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    “Signed, I Could Be Martha Stewart’s Daughter. What Do you Mean Or Her Sister?”

    Muhahahahahaha

  15. 15
    labowner
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Snowshoe is it like Beetlejuice? If we summon it three times will it come?

  16. 16
    Pyper
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    “Now is ze time on Sprockets vhen ve dance!”

    I miss Dieter :(

  17. 17
    cherrylipgloss
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    @BobCatty….that comment didn’t get past me either. She is definitely closer to a sister. She can dream, but she’s no young’un and she’s soon to know she will get called out.

  18. 18
    2muchbravo
    Posted November 26, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    OK, get the tomatoes ready, I have to agree with Say. Didn’t find this funny. Yolanda’s from the Netherlands, not Germany. Not interchangeable.

    And, I think Yolanda was the one person who definitely understood Brandi’s comment about sleeping with everyone in BH. She was explaining it to everyone else as being a joke.

    @9 Labowner if we opine when we’re ROFLOAO why not make a comment to the contrary as long as you’re not personally insulting. We should all be grown up enough around here to take it.

  19. 19
    Erin
    Posted November 27, 2012 at 4:23 am

    Way to contribute to the American stereotype of being ignorant towards other countries/cultures. You act like she is German, while in fact she is Dutch. She speaks Dutch, not German, big difference. Actually Dutch and German are as much alike as English and Dutch. She is from the Netherlands, not from Germany, so why would she use German words in the first place?.
    There is a big difference between the two countries culture wise and language wise. I know, because I’ve been to both countries more than a few times.

    Anyway you might wanna inform yourself on these topics, before writing these things. Usually I love what this site writes, but now you look like an ignorant, unintelligent hillbilly.

  20. 20
    BobCatty
    Posted November 27, 2012 at 5:38 am

    @Labowner I don’t think Say was trying to be funny, he just shared what he thought. Isn’t that the purpose of these comments?

  21. 21
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted November 27, 2012 at 6:39 am

    The Dutch are not funny. Never were . . . never will be. So WaffleBoy HAD to invoke recappers license and pretend Yolanda is German for the sake of humor. Good call, WaffleBoy. From now on, Dutch Yolanda is dead to me and German Yolanda lives. She’s been reinvented.

  22. 22
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted November 27, 2012 at 7:21 am

    Yay @ Cranky! Reinventing people is so much fun.

    Granddad would be furious when anybody dared to call him Dutch.

    Hmmmmm. No sense of humor on that one.

  23. 23
    Mimo
    Posted November 27, 2012 at 7:34 am

    Y’all find the damndest things to argue about.

  24. 24
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted November 27, 2012 at 7:51 am

    @mimo, fun, isn’t it?

  25. 25
    labowner
    Posted November 27, 2012 at 10:00 am

    If this is considered an argument I am all in.

    Bob for me the comment was a little to specific. Who complains about proper usage of foreign language on a television show recapping site?

  26. 26
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted November 27, 2012 at 10:17 am

    @Labby, agree, agree, agree.

  27. 27
    KJN KJN
    Posted November 27, 2012 at 10:49 am

    @Pyper I miss Dieter, too! He made me happy as a lettle gurll :)

  28. 28
    BobCatty
    Posted November 27, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    @Labowner It’s called freedom of speach

  29. 29
    Mimo
    Posted November 27, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    @snow – wouldn’t read if it wasn’t.

  30. 30
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted November 27, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    In light of Labowner’s new rules…I do NOT find your comment funny BobCatty.

  31. 31
    labowner
    Posted November 27, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    You got the catty part right Bob.

  32. 32
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted November 27, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    C’mon. Make nice. We’re snarking on the shows not fellow Gasmii.

  33. 33
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted November 28, 2012 at 9:06 am

    And NO ONE from another country makes fun of us Americans for being fat and lazy and having ignorant sounding regional dialects do they?

    Surprise surprise, someone is butt hurt.

    Great job Waffleboy!

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