Fashiongasm: 63rd Emmy Awards

Chooch takes us on a walk down the Emmy red carpet to mock some dresses!

Jane Lynch: ” Welcome to the Modern Family Awards.”

What the hell? Did Laura Linney just drop by on her way to Whole Foods? And doesn’t Tina Fey’s hair remind you of Laura Petrie?

The great thing about this picture is that Melissa McCarthy doesn’t realize that she just won.

It’s just too bad that she designed her own dress. Someone should have stopped her. She has set us fat girls back 10 years in that purple people eater. Queen Latifah needs to have a chat with her.

Glee won NOTHING, but they represented themselves to the max. Jane Lynch did her best to keep us entertained. Her gowns were fantastic. Even when she changed into a suit, she looked great. I give her a “Best Dressed” for the night. As for her co-stars….

Only the back of Lea Michele’s dress was awesome. Dianna Agron’s bright blue gown had no style or shape, just a draped shiny fabric. The two of them together could have made a Superhero outfit!

Now these three “Glee” girls are pretty neutral, well okay bland ass boring! Jayma May’s gown looks like a bridesmaid dress I wore in the 70′s. Amber Riley’s shoulders are so bejeweled, I’ll bet they leave black and blue marks on her arms. I don’t know what Jenna Ushkowitz has tucked in her top? My mom used to tuck a tissue in her bra for emergencies. That’s got to be what that white thing is for.

Heather (Britney) Morris lost an earring, didn’t she? She couldn’t have done that on purpose. I hate her hair. It’s grandma hair! The dress gives me the creeps too. It’s just too ruffly, like fish scales. Everyone kept saying it was purple, but it sure looks blue to me. Naya Rivera is smokin’ in this black form-fitting gown. The only thing I don’t like is the bow and that’s just because I’m not a fan of bows. Her hair and make-up are perfect. These girls are getting too old to pass for high school girls anymore.

The fact that ABC whores out these new Charlie’s Angels during the Emmys was just a stupid promotional stunt shoved down our throats in time for the Fall premiere. I’m surprised FOX let ‘em do it! Drew Barrymore needs to put down that botox needle. I didn’t even recognize her. I thought she was Priscilla Presley.

Here is what those gowns were supposed to look like on skinny people.

The Mad Men women. Hmmmmm…. is someone missing from this picture? Where the hell is January Jones? No Red Carpet this season? Too pregnant with that bastard child perhaps? DAMN! I was really looking forward to seeing her too.

Boobs, that’s all I see are boobs. Is that all Christina Hendricks wants us to see? I know it’s not about her fashion sense because she has tried that and proved that she has none. BUT she does have lots of boobs, big white boobs. Her co-star, Liz Moss has better taste in clothes and no boobs. I DO like her dress. I just wish she’d have tried a different color, maybe burgundy or even lilac and she should have kept her “Peggy” bangs!

“BEST DRESSED”

I know I’ll get flack for this, but I think Kelly Osborne looks absolutely stunning! Her gown fits her perfectly. I love the strap on the one shoulder and the other on her arm. She is so thin now that she has an hour-glass figure. The fullness of the skirt enhances that figure. The hair and make-up are also classic movie star style. Minimal accessories with just the earrings and no necklace only add to the look. Then there is Sofia Vergara. What can I say. She is a modern day Sofia Loren. Perfect in every way. The color and style of her gown only enhances her great body and she knows it. The emerald earrings are ‘to die for’ and she needs nothing else.  God I hate her!

Martha Plimpton from Raising Hope may not have won an Emmy, but she did make my ‘best dressed” list. Any one who’s thin enough to wear something like this burgundy gown and not show any fat AT ALL and still look fantastic gets my vote. I like that she isn’t wearing lots of jewelry either. I just wish she’d wear some bangs. The same goes for Amy Poehler. A lot of people hated her gown. I’m not one of them. I loved the color and the shine. Just like Martha, she’s thin enough, even if there is spanx under there, to wear something that form-fitting in public. You could see a fart go up the crack of your ass in that dress.

“WORST DRESSED”

Julianna Hough was asked if Ryan Seacrest helped her dress and she said “No.” Well, I tell you, she should have blamed that whole mess on him from top to bottom. When I first saw her from a distance, I thought she was just wearing a tube-top around her waist. I don’t even understand the color of the bodice. It matches her ‘Michael Kors’ tan and then it all washes together and she almost looks naked. Her friend Scar Padma has the same problem. Her gown is the same color as her skin. You can’t tell where the dress ends and Padma starts. The one thing I did notice, Padma’s scar on her arm was silvery shiny in every picture.

Here’s Heidi and her man candy accessory. Seal’s designer forgot buttons for his shirt again. Heidi boasted that she had Christian, winner of Project Runway-4 design her dress for her. She likes to keep it in the family. Ryan Seacrest tried to start some bullshit with her, saying he heard on-line that she was leaving the show. She adamantly denied it. But she couldn’t deny that this dress looked like huge bunches of cow brains sewn together to form a skirt. Either that or Christian went to the Dollar Tree and bought out all the shower thingies and used those to make the hem.

Julianna Marguiles is wearing something you would want to try and throw your olives into at a party. It reminded me of the collar thing you put on the dog when you don’t want him to lick his balls….and those holes! Look at her “silhouette”! I’ve watched Project Runway long enough to know it’s wrong. This other young lady, I don’t remember her name, I just know that she looks like she’s playing ‘dress-up’ from the trunk in the attic.

At first I couldn’t get past Katie Holmes’ hair and make-up, then I looked at her dress. No, I didn’t call it a gown. It looks like the dress I made in Home Ec, in 6th grade. I got a B+. I didn’t have the fancy belt though. Kyle Richards…WTF? All I see is Carol Burnett coming down the stairs wearing those curtains she made into a dress. I’m a huge fan of blue gowns, but these two have ruined one of my “favorite things”!

“Fight fight… Jimmy and Jimmy are having a fight!” ….a bloodfest?

Bloody Red!

Adrianna’s teeth are clenched so tight because she’s trying to hold her tampon in. Lea’s sleeve’s have ruined an otherwise beautiful dress. I heard that Modern Family‘s Sarah Hyland made fun of Lea on Fashion Police, mocking her posing for photos and hogging the Red carpet. Lea reps got wind of this and demanded an apology! HA! Now I can’t wait to see Joan River’s show!

Kerry Washington’s gown reminded me of tentacles on a jellyfish and the ends have hunks of fabric to weigh them down and they drag with a ball and chain effect. Angela Kinsey just looks shapeless.

Oh the hell she didn’t know she was going to win! She needs to get an award for acting so fucking surprised she won!

Kathy Griffin has tried every color on the Red Carpet. She should stay away from red. She doesn’t look bad at all, but I guess I prefer she stick with green, it’s her native color. Everybody loved Nina Dobrev’s gown. I loved it too…until I got to the bottom of it. What the hell was the point of all that fabric going every which way, folded up like napkins? Was she taking napkins to a party? Was this a combo party dress? Of course… she could serve cocktails after the show!

Let’s add a little COLOR!

Nobody pulls off robin’s egg blue like Cobie Smulders (who?). I like this gown. It’s flowing and soft and it’s cute. Did you know that we have to call Brook Burke, Brook Burke Charvet now. Thank God I found out before Dancing with the Stars started tonight. As for her dress, I’ve seen her wear better gowns on DWTS!

I am NOT green with envy over Olivia Munn’s mistake of a dress. It’s a wrinkled mess. I swear her ass is going to split it wide open and she’s a skinny bitch! Brook Anderson is a cutie and her gown is really nice. She needs to ditch the bag and the 80′s hairdo though.

When I see Julia Stiles I think of MILK. Why, you ask? Because that’s what they called her in the movie Save the Last Dance. Her gown is surprisingly similar to Sofia Vergara’s. How different they look on two opposite women. I like the look on both, but Sofia is hot sauce and Julia is …well… milk! Connie Britton has a fluffy safe dress on. It’s a nightgown-type dress, but the color is different.

There were a few sparkly gowns out there. Cat Deeley and Dexter’s former wife, Jennifer Carpenter were both all glittery with their long hair down and very little bling. I didn’t like Cat’s hand bag. It didn’t go with her shiny look. Jennifer looked like she was sporting a new boob-job.

Some have put Claire Dane on their “best dressed” list. I have not. She is TOO plain. I think some sort of necklace is needed or even a bracelet. Her hair is even plain. The gown is great. I love it in fact. It just needs something to compliment it besides her. Julie Bowen has done the same thing. She has lots of make-up on, but she HAS accessorized. She just needs some boobs! I like her dress. I’m just not crazy about it.

….but what the hell does she care what I think. She just finally won an EMMY after all these years! HOORAY! Now her and Ty Burell really are married…. right?

THE LITTLE BLACK DRESS!

A look is worth a thousand words!

Jaime Bergman may be a Playboy Playmate but she looks awesome in her black gown and that’s all that matters. FNL’s Aimee Teegarden is absolutely adorable in her black gown. I feel wrong for putting her next to the Playmate for some reason. I love her purse. It’s perfect for her and the hair, make-up AND her shoes are great!

I hate Maria Menounos. I have nothing more to say about her. Her beauty makes me sick.  Michelle Forbes is wearing the feather dress in black. Someone always manages to wear one to every Red Carpet. This is our first black one. We’ve seen Hillary Swank wear one in blue and Angie Harmon wore a pink one. Big Bird was seen in a yellow one.

Both Carrie Ann Inaba and Christine Baranski look fabulous. I didn’t really see anyone in black who didn’t look bad.

The two Big Bang Theory girls were both decked out in black. Kaley Cuoco was picked on for wearing this hindered-hemmed dressed, but I loved it’s length and the red shoes and matching bag. BlossomMayim Bialik suffered from a slit in the wrong place. It ruined her gown.

Evan Rachel Wood has a gorgeous gown. It’s beaded texture and form fitting fabric are perfect for her body. Her short hair is dramatic but it works for her. I like the look so I won’t pick on her looking like a boy. Gwyneth, on the other hand, needs to change her top, I like the skirt though. She really didn’t need to show her belly. If she had a rock-hard six-pack, I could see it, but still… I don’t think so. What I’d really like to do is  take a pair of scissors and cut off that scraggly hair of hers.

…and what ever made you think that coming to an awards show in shit-brindle brown was a good idea?

So when Margo Martindale accepted the Emmy for “Best Supporting Actress in a Drama” and Peter Dinklage accepted his Emmy for “Best Supporting Actor in a Drama”, I realized that, after a certain amount of time and hard work, size and age no longer matter….

What do you think?