The wackos at the Hollywood Foreign Press announced their nominations for the 70th Annual Golden Globes this morning. I haven’t seen any of these movies because I’m a poor uncultured slob. The noms come out right before Christmas and I have way too much to do so I can’t catch up now. Therefore, I will just hand out the awards myself right now so I don’t have to think about the Globes again til next year. What are you awarding? Leave it in the comments!
BEST PICTURE: DRAMA: I like Pie, and a life of it sounds amazing. I’ll vote for that.
• “Django Unchained”
• “Life of Pi”
• “Zero Dark Thirty”
BEST PICTURE: COMEDY OR MUSICAL: Les Miz will probably win this, because it’s super pretentious and three hours. If it sucks and you fall asleep, at least the perty music will be a good soundtrack to your dreams of being chased down by a zombie version of Patti LuPone out for revenge because Anne Hathaway is playing her role. Sorry, that’s my dream. But you get the picture.
• “Exotic Marigold Hotel”
• “Les Miserables”
• “Moonrise Kingdom”
• “Salmon Fishing in the Yemen”
• “Silver Linings Playbook”
BEST DIRECTOR: Ben Affleck will probably get this. Every time he does something great (which is often, lately), I applaud him because I always assumed he was a dumbass slab of man meat. Plus, he was in Gigli.
• Ben Affleck, “Argo”
• Kathryn Bigelow, “Zero Dark Thirty”
• Ang Lee, “Life of Pi
• Steven Spielberg, “Lincoln”
• Quentin Tarantino, “Django Unchained”
BEST ACTOR: DRAMA: Daniel Day Lewis sounds like the Col in the old Kentucky Fried Chicken commercials to me. I mean that as a compliment. I give it to DDL!
• Daniel Day-Lewis, “Lincoln”
• Richard Gere, “Arbitrage”
• John Hawkes, “The Sessions”
• Joaquin Phoenix, “The Master”
• Denzel Washington, “Flight”
BEST ACTRESS: DRAMA: Helen Mirren should win every award for everything. Including best drink at Starbucks. She’s Helen Mirren DAMMIT.
• Jessica Chastain, “Zero Dark Thirty”
• Marion Cotillard, “Rust & Bone”
• Helen Mirren, “Hitchcock”
• Naomi Watts, “The Impossible”
• Rachel Weisz, “The Deep Blue Sea”
BEST ACTRESS: COMEDY OR MUSICAL: Maggie Smith for Quartet, because I love her in Downton Abbey.
• Emily Blunt, “Salmon Fishing In The Yemen”
• Judi Dench, “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”
• Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook”
• Maggie Smith, “Quartet”
• Meryl Streep, “Hope Springs”
BEST ACTOR: COMEDY OR MUSICAL: Hugh Jackman is so snotty and actory and obnoxious in the extended Les Miz previews that I can’t vote for him. Especially in a movie where he insists on wearing a shirt. I give it to Jack Black, because chunky people should win something in Hollywood. Plus, Bernie was fuuuuunny.
• Jack Black, “Bernie”
• Bradley Cooper, “Silver Linings Playbook”
• Hugh Jackman, “Les Miserables”
• Ewan McGregor, “Salmon Fishing In The Yemen”
• Bill Murray, “Hyde Park On Hudson”