Kirstie Alley Wants You to Eat Organic….Cuz She’s Afraid She’ll Run Out of Fast Food for Herself

“A man lost an arm and went to a MACK truck garage to get it fixed. He died.” – an enlightened person

Kirstie Alley: Diet Guru? LOL. The thing that’s most special about Kirstie is that SHE’S NOT KIDDING. All week she’s been tweeting (yes, I follow her on Twitter you guys. Cuz life’s too short not to laugh your ass off at any crazy person you can on a daily basis.) about how she’s going on Oprah! WOWEE! She promised us a very very special surprise! So special that she’s not gonna announce on Twitter? That is special. Let me guess. She’s going on a diet. Yup! But the twist is, so are you!!

We’re both getting too old for this shit.

I went onto Oprah.com last night to check out Kirstie Alley clips and totally got stuck on that site for forty five minutes. First, Kirstie talked about getting all fat again. Oprah tried to delve deep into the reasons, but knowing Kirstie as I do (you would too if you followed her. I’m just saying), I know precisely why she gained weight: To get back on Oprah. The only reason she does anything is to line up TV appearances. When she was losing weight, all she talked about was going on Oprah. When she gained weight, all she talked about was going on Oprah. Now she’s gonna lose weight and then…guess what? She’s gonna go on Oprah! I don’t know what she’s planning on doing with herself once Oprah’s retired that show, but my guess is she’s gonna give Jabba the Hut a run for his money in the snacking on princesses department. And God bless her for it!

Now, to be clear (how Presidential does that sound?), I’m all for people getting fat and then thin and then fat again. It’s what I do, and it makes me feel like I have will power when I’m thin and like I have freedom to do whatever I want when I’m fat. Is that a sick way to live? Probably, but it’s also delicious. Well, mostly. When I’m thin it’s not delicious, but I tend to get laid more and that kinda makes up for it. My point is, I’m not making fun of Kirstie cuz she’s fat again. I’m making fun of Kirstie cuz she’s got the balls to come out with a line of organic diet products. Yes, you heard me.

I’m getting ahead of myself. She went to see Opal to talk about her new reality show. It’s called Kirstie’s Big Life, and it’s about…you guessed it! FATNESS. I love how Kirstie pretends that this whole fat thing is just a recent chapter in her life. Girl, fat isn’t a chapter, it’s a state of mind. We got to see clips of the show, which are about how Kirstie can’t fit into clothes, has no self esteem, and has a fat friend. Meh. The best part of this was her diet product announcement. I could tell you about the Oprah episode til the cows come home, but I’d rather tell you about Kirstie’s website.

When you get there, there’s a pretty fish swimming around and then a welcome screen for Kirstie Alley’s Organic Liaison. I think Liaison is the perfect word to use, cuz they don’t usually last long. Kirstie Alley’s Organic Marriage would be way more depressing. Light blue girly screen and a picture of salad and a pitcher of water. MMMMmmmm sounds delicious. When you click to begin, a little cartoon video pops up of Kirstie dancing around with a lawyer and a fireman. It’s kind of like The Nanny’s opening, if Fran Drescher was a fat drunk cougar at the time. Kirstie has multi colored hair and she looks all ate up. Listen, if I ever pay you to make a cartoon out of me, you better make me look NOT like a drunk tramp, k? Consider yourself warned, animators.

She dances around holding a pink bottle that says Organic Liaison and points to it a lot while winking. You know those Diet Coke ads where some hot guy delivers Diet Coke shirtless and everyone oohs and ahhs? It’s like that, only more disturbing and with way less boners all around.

Nothing says “organic” like hot pink lava.

After showing off her cartoon butt, which is in reality what her butt will look like if she gets back down to fighting weight…

Wait is this before or after?

…she drinks more pink stuff and then BOOM! She’s thin! Like, Cheers thin!!

Mmmhmm.

The song playing is some banjo strumming with a guy singing about making the perfect picture of yourself in your mind so you can be skinny like everyone else. Oh, so it’s also about POSITIVITY. Thank God, here I thought it was a shameless grab for money and it’s really about me believing I can look like the cartoon I have of myself in my head from when I was twenty and a part time anorexic. Memories. This diet sounds AMAZING. How much is it? Wait. There’s more! When the cartoon ends, the video switches over to Kirstie sitting in front of a table stacked with bottles of tap water with food dye in them.

Kirst tells us that we might know her as that actress who was skinny and then got fat and then got skinny again. No, I know you as the hilarious woman who replaced Diane on Cheers and then came out with a never funny enough sitcom called Veronica’s closet and later a truly brain tickling mess of a show called Fat Actress, but whatever. Aren’t you guys ready to lose weight and have fun at the same time? Sure. ARE YOU, KIRSTIE? The question on every sane person’s mind is HUH?!?! She’s still fat. And she wants me to pay for her miracle cure? No, honey. NO. She told Opes that she hasn’t lost weight yet cuz she wanted to do it in front of the reality show cameras so we could see that her diet works. I have no idea what in God’s name she’s snorting, but I will be watching to see how this all turns out.

Now, on a personal note: Dear Kirstie. You’re wacko, and talented, and pretty (with makeup) and HILARIOUS. Please, in the name of everything holy, stop taking money from housewives who hate themselves and embrace who you are. Actually, I don’t care if you embrace who you are. Just come up with a show that makes me laugh again, k? I’m going to hit the Sizzler now. Wait. How much does this cost?

And your pride.