Lindsay Lohan Can’t Do Anything Right

Watercooler

By Nads | Tuesday, August 28, 2012 | 8:31 am | 33 Comments
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Posted in: Watercooler

Lindsay Lohan can never get it right. Yesterday the cops started investigating Lindsay for the theft of watches and jewelry worth over $100,000 from a house party she attended last week . And today TMZ broke the news that cops are investigating the PCH car crash, again. They think she’s lying about being the passenger and not driving, and if she’s caught lying–back to jail she goes for a year (or whatever her lawyer works out with the judge). She is so screwed. I have no words! The PCH crash–old news, but this new theft allegation is no bueno. Although there is a glimmer of hope…she probably won’t get in trouble for the crime because the owner of the house is now saying nothing was stolen, but according to TMZ there are witnesses saying they saw Lindsay and her assistant steal.

At the end of the day, she’ll probably get off, but it’s a matter of time before the other shoe drops from the centipede known as Lindsay Lohan. 

Side note: Screw Anna Nicole and Liz Taylor, I want to know who will play the role for Lindsay when Lifetime finally decides to do The Tragic story of Lindsay Lohan. Mean, yes…but probably true.

About

Although comedy is her profession, Nadine has accomplished a lot in her young age. She is a national champion black belt, a world-class soccer player, and an avid snowboarder. She started playing soccer at the age of 4, and continued playing through college where she majored in Biology, but quickly realized her destiny was to tell jokes, not to wear a lab coat. So she decided to be funny while finishing her Bachelors Degree in biology and continued on to get her M.B.A. Nadine’s comedy style is much like her athleticism, fearless. She’s made her way up the comedy ladder very quickly, and has become a club favorite at many of the country’s top comedy clubs, including the Improv chain. Performing in the Boston Comedy Festival and being noted as the “one of the youngest and brightest up and comers” and traveling to the Middle East to entertain the troops are just a few of her notable accomplishments. These days Nadine splits time between the stage, a radio studio, her computer blogging, and a television studio. Nadine’s TV, Radio, Writing credits include: national commercials, talking head roles on E! Entertainment, Showtime’s Hot Tamales Live, The Skinny: Fat Free News, The Sunny Side of The Truth: Real World Hollywood, TVgasm, Zazreport, Daddy’s Girls, Jerseylicious, celebrity interviews on Mania TV, a weekly half-hour television show that syndicates to colleges across the country for National Lampoon and a nightly radio show on XM Satellite Radio.

33 Comments

  1. 1
    Parisi LaRoe Parisi LaRoe
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 8:52 am

    I think the only person who could play La Lohan in a movie about herself is, well, herself. There is no one who is more of a train wreck than her. I think she is going to end up the same way Amy Winehouse, God rest her soul, and it is really sad. The girl had a lot going for her and she blew it.

    I can’t even think of anything witty but that girl really needs help.

  2. 2
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 9:10 am

    A year in jail for you or me, but for a talented actress? A few weeks, max. When her assistant goes stealing with Lindsay, does the assistant get a cut or does she have to hand it all over to her boss?

  3. 3
    OutHouseCat
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 9:15 am

    Maybe when Ali gets back from her brilliant Oriental Modeling Career Debut *coughrehabcough* she can play La Blohan. After all, who better than one who learned at the foot of the crack goddess herself? Plus, she probably inherited the same marvelous acting talent as her sister. A win-win, no?

  4. 4
    considerthis
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Please make her go away. She is only relevant because you can string together her fuck-ups. Seriously what has she done in the past 5 years non fuck up related. Danny Bonduce, Todd Bridges, Leif Garrett and hell now even Randy Travis are her peers and they do not get this much attention.

    Like the quote in Field of Dreams – if you build it they will come well if you ignore it – it will go away.

  5. 5
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Maybe she can talk to Brittney’s Dad about a Conservatorship.

    Sorry to be crass but her forehead had more rings than a Redwood. How old is she again?

    Meangirls seems like a lifetime ago. I agree I don’t think she is too long for this world.

  6. 6
    bubblesballentine
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 9:42 am

    Deborah Harry could do it, she’s already been mistaken by photographers for Lyndsay. Sure would be a step down for her, though.

  7. 7
    bubblesballentine
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Lindsay…eh, you all know who I mean.

  8. 8
    michkabibbles
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 9:57 am

    i’m sorry, but Danny Bonduce, Todd Bridges, Leif Garrett are hilarious on tru tv’s world’s dumbest. and doing better than lohan in that they are gainfully and consistently employed.

  9. 9
    GrammyDi
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 10:01 am

    First of all, you can eliminate anyone under the age of 40. It takes years to achieve that “look”….the leathery skin, vacant cracked-out eyes, etc. I think Courtney Love is available, and she’s around the right age, too.

  10. 10
    mick
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 10:09 am

    Randy Travis should write a song about Lindsay Lohan. What could possibly go wrong?

  11. 11
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 10:18 am

    I’m pretty sure Kim Richards is lookin’ to make a comeback.

  12. 12
    Parisi LaRoe Parisi LaRoe
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 10:23 am

    I liked her in The Parent Trap and Mean Girls. She was pretty good in Freaky Friday. I feel like an idiot feeling sorry for someone like her but to see her flush away a promising career because of poor choices, drugs, and everything else, it really is awful.

    I just have a soft spot for La Lohan. The girl needs some intervention and no one in her family really cares as long as they can ride the last of the gravy train. They probably figure that once she bites it (God forbid), they will make millions off residuals and stuff. That whole family makes me sick.

  13. 13
    Mister_Dangerous
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Is her hair falling out or is that just a bad picture?

  14. 14
    Angela
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Is it bad that I read this and the first question I ask myself is “how can she still afford an assistant?”

  15. 15
    Sugarbush Sugarbush
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 11:01 am

    @Angela – She’s probably getting her assistants ala Kramerica Industries/Sonja Morgan.

  16. 16
    Elmstreet
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Ugh. This girl.

    We’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop for YEARS now, Nads. Clearly she hasn’t learned any self-awareness.

  17. 17
    lrhflute
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

    *heavy sigh* I share a first name with Lindsay….so I hear “oh, like Lindsay Lohan” a lot….

    Personal issues aside…I really want her to get her crap together and stop dragging my first name through the mud.

    Oh, and I think with enough aging makeup, Dakota Fanning could act the part of Lindsay perfectly!

  18. 18
    Iona Trailer
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    She was so pretty in “Mean Girls”…what the hell happened.

    I blame her downfall on that vile skank Paris Hilton after she called her “fire crotch” and that scuzzy greasy Brandon Davis laughed at her.

  19. 19
    Clair Clair
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Crisis averted. She’s not going to be prosecuted (according to TMZ).

  20. 20
    Parisi LaRoe Parisi LaRoe
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    @Clair: For now. That poor girl will be doing something else in a week, if not earlier. Her self-destruction just keeps going and going and going and going.

  21. 21
    labowner
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    Another Disney success story under their belt. I don’t blame her (look at who her parents are), but at some point take responsibility chickee.

  22. 22
    Too-Old-To-Care
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    Is this accomplice assistant the same one that was “driving” the car in the wreck?

  23. 23
    Too-Old-To-Care
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    I’ll bet there are broken, brown druggie-stubs underneath those perfect porcelain caps she’s flashing.

  24. 24
    georgiababe
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    Parisi LaRoe – I totally agree with you, I just feel so bad for the girl. She’s clearly had problems for years, she needs serious help and her stints in “rehab” have done nothing. I do think that she is talented – or was, at least – and she had a lot of potential. Unfortunately, after Mean Girls, everything went downhill.

    I remember watching an SNL sketch, back in 2005, right at the very beginning of the sad spiral. She was hosting and in the monologue, Amy Poehler appears in a “Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come” kind of deal, where she plays Lindsay from the future (2007, to be exact) and she’s saying “Slow down kid, you don’t want to end up where I am, get your life back together.” They were laughing and joking about it at the time, but Tina Fey (who I believe wrote it) said later that it was a veiled attempt by herself and Lorne Michaels to encourage Lindsay to get help.

    It was funny at the time, but now it’s just sad because it’s all come true and more.

  25. 25
    hot cawfee
    Posted August 29, 2012 at 6:07 am

    This child is a mess!!!!! Every time I watch “Mean Girls” I get sad–she was so pretty and freckled (yay freckles–kisses from God). Now Linds is on the fast-track to no-where-good. She needs jail, then rehab and then a few years away from her disgusting parents and all the hangers-on that dont help her. Actually she needs a sports PR person-=- alot of sports stars have gotten into trouble and came back with focus, purpose and a working plan. Cannot remember who the guy was that was advised to drop ALL of his entourage, go to Church and devote yourself to football, God and charitable endeavors. It may be Ray Carruth–dont quote me tho–Mr Cawfee would know this.

  26. 26
    SuburBint
    Posted August 29, 2012 at 6:55 am

    I think you’re all being entirely too hard on Lindsay. Even the title of this article, “Lindsay Lohan Can’t Do Anything Right;” anything? I think you are overlooking the truly remarkable way in which Ms. Lohan has redefined the meaning of the word “trainwreck” and has given the up and coming teen stars in this country such a higher bar to shoot for. I used to think that Drew Barrymore was the standard to beat, but she got all boring and mature and sober and stuff (and successful! While she’s not busy staying out of rehab for 20+ years, she’s busy making movies that are actually worth watching. What is up with that?!) so now it’s all about out-doing Lindsay Lohan. Also, anyone who can get her skin to look worse than my 62 year-old mother’s well before hitting 30 deserves an award (possibly a lifetime supply of retin-A and some serious time at the Clinique counter, assuming she can actually enter a Dillards without robbing the place at gunpoint.) If anyone could tell me the name of her dermatologist, I will be sure to stay withing a 500km radius of his office at all times.

  27. 27
    Parisi LaRoe Parisi LaRoe
    Posted August 29, 2012 at 7:36 am

    I think she just needs someone to love her for her and not just for her money or fame. She is surrounded by people who enable her or just need her for fame, even if it is the wrong type of fame.

    I think Intervention on A&E is what she needs.

  28. 28
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 29, 2012 at 7:46 am

    SuperB you beat me to the Drew Barrymore comparision but I think, as you do she’s out trainwrecked Drew for certain.

  29. 29
    Tmurda
    Posted August 29, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Your pic for this article is fucking hilarious to me, for whatever reason. She looks like the human version of those ratty, stained, matted stuffed animals that are sold at thrift stores and garage sales. Like, the kind I wouldn’t even buy for my dog to use as a chew toy cause of how busted they are. Haha.

  30. 30
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 30, 2012 at 5:45 am

    Am I the only one to look at that picture and think Macaulay Culkin’s unfortunate twin?

  31. 31
    SuburBint
    Posted August 30, 2012 at 6:04 am

    Don’t be silly, SSC, Macaulay Culkin is far prettier.

  32. 32
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 30, 2012 at 6:10 am

    Well, SuperB, in true reality tv fashion to cover my @, I DID say unfortunate twin.

  33. 33
    wcsdancer
    Posted August 30, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    @hotcawfee, I’m with you…it makes me sad when I see how pretty she was in Mean Girls and Freaky Friday, and she did a good job with acting. Seriously, she needs a nonrelative conservator.

    @parisi, you are so right. Her parents are parasites.

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