People Watch: Angelina Works Her Black Magic, Lindsay Lohan’s Vagina Surprises Her, and Susan Boyle Needs Medication

Nads needed a vaca, so I’m all yours today. You know what that means!! Let’s go to People.com and make fun of moronic celebrity adventures!!

The main feature is about how Lady GaGa is getting sick of being called a drag queen and is now trying to be known as a dead peacock wrapped in plastic. Whatever floats your boat, lady!

The cover for some other issue is Susan Boyle: Is Fame Hurting Her? Come on now, People. You know what hurts more than fame? Not being famous. Susan Boyle is the luckiest bi polar janky toothed warbler of our time. Just stop with this.

WAH! I’M RICH NOW!

Brooklyn Decker to Appear in Jennifer Aniston Movie: I can’t tell what the news is here. That there’s a girl named Brooklyn or that someone is still letting Jennifer Aniston make movies.

Make Dr. Oz’ Spicy Chili At Home: I made the mistake of watching Dr. Oz on Oprah years ago when he talked about the different shapes of our poo, and I have studied my own poo reflexively ever since. This man must be stopped. I will not be making his chili at home, but I do wonder if after you eat it you make U poo. Someone try it and let me know.

Lindsay Lohan Says Her Love of Women Surprised Her: Everything surprises you when you’re fucked up. That’s what makes drugs fun. The sun coming up in the morning is surprising. What’s not surprising? LiLo is still on People.com every single day and the last successful movie she made was during puberty. Come on People, this is Hollywood. Surely there are other drug addicts to follow. Nothing worse than stale misery.

Bread Pitt Takes His Girls Clothes Shopping in Paris: The real headline of this story should be “Holy Shit Look What Angelina’s Turned Brad Into”. I mean really. EW. He was the hottest guy on the planet before that pod person sucked the life out of him. She needs to go to jail.

And just so you Spanish speakers don’t feel left out in the Gorgeous Women Who’ve Fuglified a Hot Man:

And last but not least, a truly heartwarming tale.

Did You Donate to Animals in Haiti? Tell Us About It!: “I saw those starving children and heard about the human trafficking and thought to myself FUCK THOSE LOSERS. DOGS ARE CUTER. – Cheryl in Indiana ”