The Week In Celebrity Mockery Nov 13

Another quiet week on the celebrity front. Charlie Sheen stayed at home, and nobody let Randy or Evi Quaid talk into a microphone this week. So there was no big league celebrity stupid this week. The good news is there was plenty of low level celebrity dumbness to make us feel better about ourselves. Come on, let’s a look. I saw this picture when I went online on Saturday morning.

Only if I’m declared the best surrogate mother ever!

Now to be honest, before Saturday, all I thought of Jessica Alba as an actress was that she looked good in a bikini. However when I read where Jessica Alba was saying she wants an acting career like Lucille Ball, or Steve Martin, all I could think was that in no particular order all I want is world peace, a pony, and an act of congress giving me the right to nut punch Joe Buck whenever I feel like it. I guess what I’m saying is that a little disappointment is bound to be a part of any life. And if you willingly signed up for a second Fantastic Four movie, you deserve a little more then everyone else.

Taylor Momsen gave an interview where she blames her parents for her bad attitude towards life. Apparently Taylor’s parents signed her her up with the Ford Modeling agency when she was two, and spent the rest of Taylor’s childhood pulling her out of school for jobs, making sure that she never had any friends, and didn’t let her have a real life.

Now one the one hand, she does have a point, no two year old tells their parents they want to be a child actor. And let’s be honest, unless the parents are going to reenact the Rape of Nanking on their little thespian’s bank account, I can’t see anything positive coming out of child acting for the parents, or most certainly for the child.

Then again, on the other hand, if Taylor’s parents had steered her into more traditional child labor, say selling oranges on the side of the highway, I wouldn’t have to keep reading about her crappy band. This is a real head scratcher, and exactly why I’m going to eat that pint of ice cream tonight. Well no it isn’t, but it’s kind of nice to have a pretend problem to blame it on. Thanks Taylor Momsen, you’re the best! You know, when you’re being very, very, quiet.

Shhh, don’t speak you special little racoon you

Demi Lovato’s reps want us to know she’s not in treatment for drugs or alcohol. I hate to be the one to point this out, but that kind of narrows it down to bat shit crazy. You know, sometimes the best press is no press. Just saying.

Taylor Swift wins Country songwriter of the year award. It’s nice to see Country and Western Music finally filling in that glittery unicorn good boyfriend/bad boyfriend song niche that has been empty for far too long. In related news, I will have a sign up sheet and the end of the post for a car pool to drive out to Nashville and spin Hank William’s coffin in his grave.

What rhymes with Gyllenhaal?  Eh, I’ll just make him a unicorn

I saw this picture of Nicole Kidmann at the CMA’s and my first response was; “Jesus Christ, what the hell happened to Nicole Kidman!!” Actually, I’ve said that every time I’ve seen a picture of Nicole Kiddman for at least the last three years. This mainly has to do with the fact that every time I see Nicole Kidman her head gets just a little bit bigger. Either Nicole Kidman’s brain is expanding at a geometric rate as part of her preparing for her new rewarding career as a supercomputer, or girlfriend needs a sammich.

Girl, put Dominos on speed dial.  You’ll thank me later

Alicia Silverstone, noted vegan, which sounds way cooler then star of the 19…Wait Clueless didn’t come out in Eisenhower administration, did it? anyway, in a recent interview Alicia let it slip that sometimes, but only when she’s drinking, she cheats on her vegan diet, with cheese.

OOOOOOOkay. Just throwing this out here, but if you substituted the word penis for the word cheese, Alica Silverstone would be well on her way to being the senior senator from the great state of Idaho. This is also why I am not planning on being surprised when Alicia Silverstone gets caught in a mens’ room with a prime rib, a quart of hollandaise sauce, and a wide stance.

Ellen DeGeneres said on her show that Portia De Rossi might be doing Dancing with the Stars. If Ellen sounds a little wishy washy on the subject it might be because. according to Ellen, Portia De Rossi hasn’t told her whether she is going to do it yet.

Ellen was then heard muttering to herself on the next commercial break. “She better plan on doing something. If she thinks she is just going to keep laying around on the couch wolfing down those GD Hershey miniatures, and balloon up to one hundred and twenty pounds, nope, not on my watch sister.” Okay, Ellen didn’t really say that last part, but who doesn’t love Hershey miniatures? And lying? But mainly Hershey miniatures? Seriously, I double dog dare you to eat just one.

Speaking of Ellen, Halle Berry recently appeared on Ellen and was talking about how she lost her two-year-old daughter. Oh don’t make that face, it wasn’t for keepsies, and she didn’t find the child in that drawer in the kitchen were stuff always turns up. No, she was out shopping, and she glanced down at a price tag for just a second, and when she looked up, her child was gone!

Halle Berry got pretty freaked, and made a big scene, which is what you are supposed to do when your toddler goes missing. This is right when her daughter popped her head out of a rounder of clothes and said, “hi!”

So what do we learn from this story? To always lock your kids in the car in the mall parking lot. No wait, don’t do that. Crack the window and leave them a bowl of water? No that’s dogs. Okay, we’re not learning anything here I guess, just that Halle Berry had a recent experience where she got really agitated.

Mommy got so flustered, her forehead almost moved.

I leave you with this picture of Russell Brand and his new wife Katy Perry.

Horrifying, isn’t it? You want to know the worst thing about it? They aren’t going to some red carpet event looking to make a fashion splash. They dressed like that to go to dinner in Spain. First of all, somebody desperately needs to tell Russell Brand that if you have a concave chest, buttons on your shirt are your bestest friends ever. Add to that the fact that Katy Perry’s dress would only be okay in a social situation where a magician had her get in a box so he could saw her in half.

Sigh, I just know that these two are going to reproduce. I can feel it in my head bones. I’m going to get an aspirin. Have a great weekend.