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It was a full week if you enjoy making fun of celebrities. People getting engaged, people getting divorced, people not cheating with their best friend’s boyfriends, and somebody getting a trip to prison. I could tell you all about it right now, but one big paragraph would hurt your eyes, so let’s take a look at what the week had to mock on a day by day basis.
Now does this look like somebody who would cheat with their friend’s boyfriend? Okay, keep in mind it’s not a very good picture
This story caught my eye on Saturday over at Radaronline.com. People having been asking Olivia Munn about whether she had a fling Justin Timberlake.
This is kind of an extra awkward question, because according to the article she’s pretty good friends with Jessica Biel, who just happens to be Justin Timberlake’s girlfriend.
Now Olivia Munn basically said that she didn’t want to say yes or no, because people will interpret the answer however they want. Well she also told a story about how she is friends with John Ritter’s kid and John Ritter always said that it’s not important what other people think of you as long as you know who you are, but her way took a fairly long paragraph and mine took one sentence, so guess which one I like better?
Okay, Oliva Munn has a point, because people are going to believe whatever they want to about you when you’re a celebrity, but they can also form opinions when you duck the question. Also, I’m wondering if she took this approach with her good buddy Jennifer Biel? I could just picture that conversation.
Jennifer Biel: Hey, there’s a story going around you slept with my boyfriend. That’s crap, right?
Olivia Munn: Did you ever see Three’s Company?
Jennier Biel: I don’t think I was alive when that was on TV.
Olivia Munn: Well what about Hooperman? It didn’t get the ratings Three’s Company did, but the critics really liked it.
Jennifer Biel: What the hell are you talking about?
Olivia Munn: Well John Ritter always said it isn’t important what other people think of you as long as you know yourself.
Jennifer Biel: Well that’s great, but would you mind letting me know if you know that you are the kind of person who would ride my boyfriend like a hobby horse while I was out of town?
Olivia Munn: Of course not! I’ve got too much self esteem to ever sleep with Justin Timberlake.
Jennier Biel: Okay, that’s what I thought. Hey!
Olivia Munn: Whoops got a call on the other line. Love you bye-bye!
Okay, that never happened, but Saturdays are a little slow for gossip and sometimes you have to make your own fun. Especially at the expense of someone who is building their life on the wit and wisdom of Jack Tripper.
Jessica Simpson was spotted at Dillards’s sporting a new engagement ring. So good for her!
Of course some people felt the need to make catty remarks because Jess’s ex, Nick Lachey got engaged the week before. Despite what some people were saying, this engagement is not so much a desperate attempt to keep up with her ex, but more because her new sweet baboo’s divorce from his last wife just kicked in.
Sigh, have you seen the trailer for that new Denzel Washington movie about the runaway train? There is a phrase in the movie that seems really appropriate right here. “We’re not just talking about a train;we’re looking at is a missile the size of the Chrysler Building.” Substitute the words Jessica Simpsons romantic life, for the word train, and you can kind of figure how this one is going to turn out.
I’m wishing the happy couple the best of luck, mainly because every time Jessica Simpson breaks up, the price of ice cream goes up, and everyone has to pretend she’s not wearing pants with elastic waistbands. So let’s hope this one’s a keeper.
Kelly Preston’s press rep made a big stink about her not being in labor. John Travolta was at some gig in Australia and ducked out early, which lead to some people deciding that his pregnant wife must have been ready to pop. It kind of makes sense. It’s a 20 hour plane ride between LA and kangaroo land, so you just don’t hop on a plane just because you forgot your keys.
That being said, the headline I saw over at Yahoo, “Rep: Actress Kelly Preston is not in labor,” is kind of boring. Personally if I was writing it I would have gone with “Rep: Kelly Preston’s birth canal is tight as a drum!” Same message, just grabs your attention, right? Headlines are fun.
Prince William gets engaged. Yep, another royal wedding is on the way, and I say good for England.
Granted, that’s not a very snarky attitude we would want for serious mockery, but this feels like the first time in awhile were I read a story about England that didn’t involve a football player and a hooker, or a football player and one of his teamates’ girlfriends, or a football player and somebody’s girlfriend pretending to be a hooker. I think it’s a nice change of pace, kind of like a palate cleanser.
From what I’ve read a lot of people in England are pretty excited about this, because Britain hasn’t a really good wedding since Prince Charles married Diana.
For those of you who were too young for it, the Princess Diana provided the royal family with a sense of style and energy it was sorely lacking. Oh, and chin genes! Which if you look at Prince William’s aunts and uncles you can see they were in desperate need of. Seriously, it looks like whenever any of these jokers wear a turtleneck, that you’d be lucky to see the tops of their noggins.
Anyway, that wedding was a lot of fun, but the marriage could have been better. And by could have, I mean it made the sinking of the Titanic look like a rousing success. Not that we have to worry about this time. Sure, it sounds like these two have broken up and gotten back together a couple of times over the last eight years, but I’m sure once they get a free toaster as a wedding present, it will be all the encouragement they need to make it last forever. Works about 50% of the time with us common folks. Just in case, we’d better cross our fingers and toes.
Anyway, however you feel about the royal family, you have to love a story about England that doesn’t involve hookers, or billions of gallons of oil spewing into the Gulf of Mexico. So yay for love, and no hookers. Keep up the good work England!
That wasn’t the only big news on Tuesday. For all of you out there who had thought if only Steve Jobs and Sir Paul McCarthy could have more money, well your dreams were answered today, when it was announced that Beatle songs would finally be available on itunes.
Gold plated organs for everybody. Well for me and Paul
One of the most dependable events I’ve been able to count on in my adult life happened today. I got screwed out of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive award for the 25th year in a row today. After years of seeing the award go to the Mel Gibsons, George Clooneys, and Brad Pitts, the editorial staff at People really reached out to slap me in the face with my lose, giving the award this year to Ryan Reynolds. Yep, Van Wilder is as good as sexy gets this year. If I had done any actual crunches this year I’d be so pissed.
Sure it kind of sucks that not only did I get to celebrate a quarter century of getting snubbed by the magazine with the easiest crossword puzzle in the world in the back, but they didn’t even trot out Clooney or Pitt or even Johnny Depp to take the sting out of it this year.
Still, this isn’t the worst insult to my once proud manhood and receding hairline. That would have been 1991 when People Magazine called the award Sexiest Couple and gave it to Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford. There is nothing worse for your ego then getting beat in a sexiest man alive contest by someone with a vagina. That was the year I really wished I had a subscription, so I could have cancelled it.
Anyway, congrats to Ryan Reynolds for winning this completely political award, and now if you’ll excuse me, I need to spend some time with an old friend I call Mr. Ice Cream.
Earlier this week we got a great celebrity engagement, and today the big circle of life closed and we got a celebrity divorce. Scratch that, we got an awesome celebrity divorce, because Eva Longoria and Tony Parker called it quits.
Now in her divorce papers, Eva Longoria sited irreconcilable differences, which thanks to a handy press leak later in the day we found out meant that Tony Parker was having a thing with the wife of a former teammate from his basketball team, and apparently Eva Longoria found a poop ton’s worth of text messages.
Tony Parker fired back and said, yes he had been texting the other woman, but there was no sex involved. Okay, I’m picturing what those non sex texts would have looked like.
Tony Parker: Hey, my marriage suxs, but I dont feel like having sex.
Other Woman: Hey buddy, my mariage suxs 2, but dont want sex either.
Tony Parker: Well think Ill watch CSI marathon and eat ice cream and not have sex
Other Woman: sounds good Im going to upload pictures of my cat on 2 facebook and not have sex, later.
You know what? Maybe Tony Parker was just pouring out his soul to this other woman, but I’m having a hard time buying it. Mainly because I firmly believe that texting was invented only so married guys could send and receive almost unreadable pornographic messages, that their wives can find later on, and use them to get a big fat settlement at divorce time. Call me cynical.
Of course, Eva Longoria gets bonus points for saying that she is praying for Tony Parker’s happiness. I’m sorry, but if you just filed divorce papers and are getting ready to pay a lawyer 500 bucks an hour to help divvy up your CD collection, the only prayers you’re shooting up to the man upstairs are probably of the “smite him Lord! Smite him right in his wandering crotch!!” variety.
I saw where Tiger Woods said in an interview in US Magazine that “the pain in his soul was unsettling.” Granted, being the punchline of jokes for months, and having your marriage end up in the crapper is no fun for anyone.
That being said, I think I have just the formula to cheer Tiger up. He should take that 100 million dollars he didn’t lose in his divorce settlement, get it all changed into nickles and roll around in it naked like Scrooge McDuck. Then afterwards, he should go find himself a nice VIP lounge to hang out in. Really, it’s time for the healing to begin.
The week ended on kind of a sad note. A judge ordered that Wesley Snipes be sent to prison. And no, it wasn’t because Blade 3 sucked like a Tijuana donkey show (if that had been the case sexiest man alive Ryan Reynolds and Jennifer Biel would have been making the trip too). It’s because Mr. Snipes was convicted of income tax evasion in 2008, and his appeal process finally ran out.
I guess from 1998 to 2001 Wesley Snipes didn’t pay any income tax. Yep, none, nada, zippo, didn’t even fill out the form. Wesley Snipes defense in court was that there was nothing in the Constitution about him having to pay income tax, and he’s had a point, because I went through the Constitution and I couldn’t find his name in there anywhere. Then again, there was nothing in there about him making Passenger 57, so I think his defense might have been a little leaky.
The judge and the jury thought so too, and Wesley Snipes got a big assed fine and three years in the slammer because Uncle Sammy gets a little pimpy when you mess with his money. Anyway, because Wesley Snipes had money (not paying taxes on 38 million dollars will give you a little extra jingle in your pockets), he was able to stay out of jail for awhile, but unless he pulls a Randy Quaid he’ll be reporting to the big house next week.
Am I the only one who thinks Wesley Snipes head looks way too small for his body in this picture?
Naturally it’s kind of sad when somebody has to go to jail, but on the other hand, we’re safe from another Blade movie for at least three years.
Have a great weekend and we’ll be back for more mocking next week