The Week In Celebrity Mockery Nov 27

Wow, it was a pretty quiet week for celebrities. No one got in car wrecks within 50 feet of their driveways after their wives might have found texts to other women on their phones, and may have chased them out of the house with a golf club. God, 2009 was so much better then 2010. Allegedly.

Anyway, even though all of our celebrity betters pretty much stayed on the straight and narrow let’s take a peek at where I found humor in other people’s misfortune this week.

Sunday

It’s Taylor Swift’s World and we are just the glittery unicorns who live in it.

I don’t know what could have their attention like that, but I’m guessing either a shiny object or string

This story was complete crap, but I loved it anyway. The National Enquire was peddling a rumor that Taylor Swift is just going out with Jake Gyllehaal as part of an elaborate plan to get back together with Taylor Lautner. You see, Taylor Swift going out with Jake Gyllenhaal is supposed to make Taylor Lautner insanely jealous, and make him want to get back together with the CMA song writer of the year.

Now this is the kind of complete balloon juice you just have to like. Well you don’t have to, this isn’t Russia, and from what I hear, Russia isn’t that bad any more, but there are a lot less letters in Russia then North Korea, and what the hell was I talking about? Taylor Swift? Thanks, you’re the bestest!

Let’s look at how silly this rumor is, one ridiculous part at a time. Okay, I know nothing about Taylor Lautner, which means for all I know he can recite the value of pi to the 2,456th place. All I’m going by are pictures, and the fact he was in a movie called Shark Boy and Lava Girl. I guess what I am trying to say is that he doesn’t look like the guy that you have to put together some almost super villian worthy ruse to get the drop on. To be honest, he looks like if I asked him often enough for two tens for a five, that all my financial worries would be long gone.

Also, the only way this plan works is if Jake Gyllenhaal isn’t as smart as Taylor Swift. Once again, just going by the most superficial way of making judgements (looking at the pictures with the story), I’d feel pretty good about putting money down on Jake Gyllenhall against the two Taylors in Celebrity Jeopardy. Then again, Jake Gyllenhall thought starring in The Prince of Persia was a good idea. You know what? We are just going to forget this last paragraph ever happened.

Trust me, Jake Gyllenhaal has looked much smarter then this

Finally, even if Taylor Lautrner could be driven into a jealous fit by his ex- sweet baboo hooking up with Jake Gyllenhaal, I can’t get past Taylor Swift trying to pull this off after dating John Mayer. This is probably just me, but I wouldn’t be trying to rekindle that romantic flame with an ex who took a ride on the Mayer express unless Santa was bringing me a bright shiny new Hazmat suit for the Holidays.

So like I said, this story is complete balloon juice, but entertaining balloon juice, and that’s what we have to settle for around here when Charlie Sheen doesn’t have a weekend getaway on tap.

Monday

Calling out the AMA’s

As boring as the weekend was, at least when I went to bed on Sunday night I thought I had a decent understanding of what kind of universe I live in. This all changed when I woke up Monday morning and went online and found out the universe I loved was gone forever. Yep, I went online Monday and saw that the AMA’s gave Justin Beiber an award for being the singer of the year.

Now, I know this is the part of the post where I am supposed to start a long rant about Justin Beiber, but let’s be honest, Justin Beiber doesn’t know I exist, and even if he did, the fact that he endorses a brand of fingernail polish would be a hint and a half for yours turly what he thought of my opinion.

No, I’m leaving Justin Beiber alone, and having a well deserved rant about the real bad guy here, the AMA’s. Okay, a televised award show isn’t a person, which is too bad, because if it was I could just slash the tires on its car and move on, but without this show, Justin Beiber is just a wildly popular teen pop star, and not an award winning wildly popular teen pop star.

Let’s get the bile directed in the right direction for a change, because the more you know about the AMA’s the more more annoying it gets.

For starters, the only reason the AMA’s exist is that ABC likes having a show where they pass awards out to popular musicians. You see, in 1972, ABC lost the contract for the Grammys, but still wanted an award show, because in the olden days when there were only three channels (I’m sorry, PBS doesn’t count; they didn’t even have commercials), and people actually watched award shows.

Luckily, Dick Clark apparently had just had a very successful shamectomy, and had no problems using his production company to just hand out fancy shamany doorstops to famous people for no real reason.

Once again, this is just my valueless opinion, but in order for an award to count, you have to have some phony balony group to choose who wins. The big four, the Oscars, Grammys, Emmys, and Tonys, all have groups, and most of them are called academies. I don’t think the Tonys are from an academy, but I’m not goggling it, because unless they are dropping scenery on Bret Michaels’ tater, I try not to give the Tonys much thought.

Anyway, academies are classy, and make it sound the awards get picked at some place by super smart people in tweed jackets with leather elbow patches. Of course this is way off from who really picks these awards. The Grammys are picked by sleazy record company executives. The Oscars are picked by the maids of studio executives. Judging by some of the picks at the Emmys, the ballots are handed out to random homeless people, and I’ve already told you my feelings about the Tonys, right?

Still, you stick the word academy out in front, and you are willing to give people the benefit of the doubt on who the hand tacky statues to.

The AMA’s aren’t voted on by an academy, because there obvioulsy isn’t one. They are voted on by the record buying public.

Ah, yet another thing we can blame on our friends and neighbors. It kind of wipes out the guilt you feel when your dog craps on their lawn, and if you don’t own a dog, you can add this to the list of wrongs right after your neighbors’ diarrhetic dogs.

Still to be fair, for a long time this was kind of a good way to hand out awards, because by basically basing the votes on what people were buying it kind of made up for the years when the Grammys boned it. You see, the problem with the Grammys is that most of those sleazy record executives aren’t what you would call spring chickens. This means that they have a nasty habit of dumping tons of Grammys on guys who graduated from high school in the same decade as them.

This is why all things being equal, when I try to pick who is going to win Grammys, I go by the rule that the bigger the artist’s prostate, the better their chance of winning.

So for a long time, even though it wasn’t as legitimate as the Grammys, the AMA’s were a way to give recognition to musicians and singers who weren’t old enough to think that Early Bird Dinner Specials are the tits.

Too bad for everyone involved, this system is now probably broken beyond repair. You see, in 2010 not a whole lot of people buy music any more, so the AMA’s are being decided my people who either lack the drive or the simple intelligence to steal music off the Internet. This means, the voting pool for the AMA’s has been whittled down to sad shut ins and 12-year-old girls, in other words, the Justin Beiber fan club.

So what can we do about this? Well nothing. Don’t look at me that way, I’m not picking up the dog crap on your lawn, what makes you think I have a plan to fix this? I just needed to let off a little steam, and think back to a simpler time when Taylor Swift was allegedly using Jake Gyllenhaal to drive Taylor Lautner insanely jealous. You know, the more I think about it, Sunday was a pretty good day after all.

Tuesday

A Celebrity Relationship that works

You always hear about it when a celebrity relationship goes in the toilet, and mainly from me because I am a mean spiteful person, or what Bristol Palin would call “a hater.” Still, it always makes me smile when you see that some couples just seem meant to last. I got proof of this when I saw that Dane Cook is going to appear on Broadway in the Neil Labrute comedy, Fat Pig. It’s nice to see that he and Satan are still going strong. It gives us all hope that there is someone out there for everyone. Stay strong you crazy kids!

Wednesday

A bad day for less attractive guys in relationships with more attractive women

I couldn’t help but notice that the media was alerted that Jennifer Jason Leigh is divorcing her husband, director Noah Baumbach, and actress Emmy Rossum broke up with Counting Crows front man, Adam Duritz. A tough break for everyone involved.

The only thing I can find that is semi mock worthy is the picture of Adam Duritz. I’m sorry, but even though white guy dreads could make you look kind of hip and edgy in 1994 (okay, maybe for about three months tops), in 2010 they just make you look like Sideshow Bob’s husky uncle.

If he pulled up in a tiny car I am going to laugh untill I pee

Thursday

I’m thankful this year for a loving family, good friends, Bombay Gin, and the fact that words just spew out of Kanye West’s mouth like water out of a fountain.

He just makes me smile

Okay, this happened earlier in the week, but Kanye West going off on a ten minute rant during his concert this week was flat out wonderful awesome if you enjoy unintentional comedy. I’m not going to walk you through it, because it needs to seen to be enjoyed, so get thee to You Tube, or just google “Kanye West 10 minute concert rant 2010″. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

[12 minutes later] Wasn’t that great? There aren’t a lot of people out there who can articulate their ongoing fueds with Taylor Swift, Matt Lauer, and Geogre W Bush as well as Mr. West. Granted that may be because there aren’t a huge number of people who have beefs with that particular subset of people, but Kanye has my vote.

Look, I know Kanye West is supposed to make me cranky, because most people like him do, but I am developing a pretty big soft spot for the guy. Yes, he seems to be working under the assumption that everyone in the world just needs to man up and admit that he is the central point in the universe that all matter revolves around, but even when he acts up, he’s awfully entertaining.

Case in point, when he took Taylor West’s VMA award away from her, and declaring that it should have gone to Beyonce for her video, I’m pretty sure he caused Jay-Z and Beyonce,probably the music industry’s most powerful and glamorous couple to simultaneously poop perfect cubes. I don’t know about you, but I can put up all sorts of narcissism for golden moments like that.

Friday

Non-important updates for a slow news day

Kate Gosselin decided this week to let the media know that two of her six-year old sextuplets weren’t expelled from school, and TLC is not canceling her TV show. Whew, I’m glad we got that cleared up, still I couldn’t help but notice that she didn’t deny she could very well be the Antichrist. The good news is this means I’m still in the running for that particular office pool.

It’s got to be either her, or the Domino’s delivery guy with the lazy eye

Here’s hoping you had a great Thanksgiving, a solid Black Friday, and a wonderful weekend. Thanks for stopping by, and we’ll mock again soon.