The Week In Celebrity Mockery Nov 6

Considering Halloween was this week it was awfully quiet on the celebrity news front. Well I mean besides for definite infidelity, possible infidelity, and some full bore American Looniness being exported to Canada. Anyway, enough intro-ing and on to the mocking.

Saturday

A quiet day for gossip. Maybe too quiet. Sorry, I’ve always wanted to say that in a movie. Ideally right before some CGI ugly ripped the face off of Gweneth Paltrow. GOOP my hairier by the minute sagging butt. Anyway, enough dreaming.

The biggest thing that happened today was Ron Howard saying he was going to keep his electric cars are gay joke in his upcoming movie. Jarret Barrios, the head of GLAAD was very disappointed with Ron Howard’s decision. You know what really disappointed me about this whole thing? Seeing a picture of Ron Howard not wearing a hat.

Someone get Oppie Crome Dome a ball cap STAT!

Okay, that wasn’t the only celebrity newesie type thing that happened. LeAnn Rimes was tweeting about the hubub of her being on the cover of Shape Magazine.

In case you have an actual life and weren’t aware of it, some people got irate that LeAnn Rimes was on the cover of Shape Magazine, because awhile back she went out to work on one of those Lifetime movies, and she came back with a brand new fiance, well boyfriend. Okay, that part is still up in the air, but through the aid of several crackerjack lawyers, she did manage to shed a pesky loving husband.

Of course her then current husband, and her sweet baboo’s then current wife weren’t as happy for the new couple as they should have been, but you can’t stop love. Well you can discourage it with a restraining order, dead bolts, and chemical mace, but that doesn’t have anything to do with what I’m supposed to be talking about.

What caused this big stink was an email the editor of Shape Magazine sent out that people on the Internet got a hold of where she is telling some irate readers that Shape Magazine didn’t mean to “put a husband stealer up on a pedestal.” Yeah, if you just read that and thought, did they just call LeAnn Rimes a skank? Welcome to the club.

Now the editor of Shape Magazine quickly came out and said her words were taken out of context, and she was just talking to a very small group of readers who were upset, and she wanted them to know that LeAnn Rimes story was inspiring. Well, in a dump-your-husband-and-hook-up-with-your-married-co-star-with-great-abs-and-then-do-a-lot-of-Pilate’s-to-deal-with-the-resulting-stress-way it kind-of was.

Oh, and I did take a peek at the interview and here are two things that stood out for me. First, LeAnn Rimes said people took this really hard because she was “America’s sweetheart.” Ummm, well I didn’t get the email on that one. I would have felt more comfortable if LeAnn had described herself as “America’s Fourth Choice to Call When You’re Going To Chilli’s After Work On A Wednesday Night And Ordering Five Appetizers When You’re The Only One At The Table Makes It Look Like You Have A Problem,” but that might just be me.

Also, LeAnn trotted out the kiss of death phrase, “don’t judge me.” I think publicists should be able to poke their clients with a cattle prod when they say this, because nobody ever says don’t judge me when they are working at a soup kitchen or reading to blind kids. Everyone wants you to judge the ever loving poop of them then. They only say it when they get caught doing something way over the line. Celebrities need to know that what don’t judge me really means is “I just did something horrible, and I’m not the least bit sorry about, now buy my new CD!” and we’ve cracked the code.

Anyway, on Saturday LeAnn tweeted that this husband stealing brouhaha was news to her, and that she was going to find out what was going on at the party Shape Magazine was throwing for her. Well, as long as the cake doesn’t say “Man Stealing Whore,” it shouldn’t be too awkward, right?

Show of hands, was I the only one who was shocked to find out there is actually a moral criteria for being on the cover of Shape Magazine? I always thought all you needed was a bikini and the ability to hold your stomach in until they snapped the picture.

Hurry!  Snap the picture, she’s turning blue!!

Sunday

Man, I got a peek into how I look at the world now that I’ve started steadily mocking celebrities, and came to me this morning. I went online, and was disappointed to find out our celebrities had for the most part managed to behave themselves last night. It really hit me when I was checking TMZ and heard myself muttering, “would it have killed one of them to have gotten a DUI last night?” Not me at my prettiest, but I was wearing my shirt, so it could have been a hell of a lot worse.

Okay so nothing obvious happened, nothing a little digging around couldn’t fix, and sure enough I found a new story over at Gossip Cop.com about the new season of American Idol.

There is a story going around that Jennifer Lopez got a clause in her contract where whenever Ryan Seacrest gets a raise, she does do too, and our little Tink is seriously steamed over this.

Now Gossip Cop said they talked to people close to the show and this is complete crap. Do we care one way or the other? Well if you want to I’m not going to stop you.

So why bring the story up in the first place? It gives us the perfect excuse to look at this picture of Jennifer Lopez and Ryan Seacrest where she makes him look like the world’s best dressed lawn gnome. Hey, when the going gets tough, the tough make a celebrity height joke.

Her: Little man, there are only three dozen white roses in my dressing room.  Him:  You know I’m getting my own network, like Oprah, right?  [Long Pause] I’ll get right on it.

Monday

Oh man, Courtney Cox let me down today. While her husband, noted bad dresser David Arquette, has been acting the fool on Howard Stern (Who in their right mind opens up about a troubled relationship on the radio to a man who gives Baba Booy a steady paycheck?), Courtney Cox has been taking the high road and keeping her pretty little trap shut.

So you can imagine my surprise when on Monday morning ,while I was minding my own business, I saw a thing online where she said she and her husband, noted oversharer David Arquette were having a trial separation, which is nothing like getting divorced.

Um, just to go over the chain of events so far, she booted her husband out of the house and he’s had sex with women he’s met in bars.

Look, I’m not an expert, but that is pretty much how all my friends divorces have worked, so I’m throwing the challenge flag on this one.

Still, if Courtney Cox and David Arquette can patch things up that may lead to David Arquette not issuing weekly updates on his sex life. I don’t know about you, but I’m really hoping these crazy kids can make it work.

Come on Monica, take one for the team!

Kid Rock came out today and the press paid attention to him. Either we are going to have an early Winter or an early Apocalypse. I’m not sure which, but you might want to stock up on rock salt and sun screen just to have all your bases covered.

Anyway, Kid Rock said Steven Tyler being a judge on American Idol is the stupidest thing Tyler has ever done. First of all, Kid Rock not only gets into fights in strip clubs, he gets into fights in waffle houses. Until The Fourth Horseman opens the third seal I pretty sure he is going to be picked last to be the voice of reason in any situation.

Also, I just want to point out that Steven Tyler has been a rock star for close to 40 years, and is also a recovering drug addict. I’m betting that Steven Tyler has done stuff much more stupid then this that even he doesn’t know about. Let’s give Steven Tyler the benefit of the doubt on the stupid front, okay?

Exhibit A, he went outside in this hat

Halloween was yesterday, so we got lots of pictures of celebrities, that meant a small army of sexy red ridding hoods, sexy sailors, sexy warrior princesses, and in Audrina Patridge’s case a sexy Madam Curie

Just kidding, she always wears that outfit on Mondays

Hedi Klum went as a transformer, Baldicon, and bonus points to Seal for going as silver Jim Belushi!

And I’m throwing in this picture of Jamie Lee Curtis, because she looks like she’s having fun and she isn’t dressed like a hooker. It’s nice to see somebody zig when everyone else is zagging.

Tuesday

Okay, this happened on Monday, but I didn’t see it, because I don’t watch the Today Show. Sorry, but Al Roker can drive me into a blind rage, it’s better for everybody if I just stay away. Anyway, I missed out on some serious comic gold, because Randy and Evi Quaid gave an interview to make America more aware of our Hollywood star whacker problem.

Aside from finding out that there is an up to now unknown army of estate planning, businessman mafia types gunning for Randy Quaid’s sweet, sweet money, we finally found out which other Hollywood stars are in danger in the following Q&A

Canning: Are there any Hollywood celebrities out there you feel should be very afraid right now?

Evi: Lindsay Lohan.

Randy: Yeah, definitely. And Britney Spears.

Evi: Mel Gibson, too.

Canning: Don’t you think his alleged voice recordings were pretty bad?

Evi: I think he was drugged. I think he was slipped a mickey. That’s my personal opinion.

Randy: I think she was sent in to do him in.

Canning: Kill him?

Randy: No, no! Just figuratively!

Canning: Are either of you mentally unstable, schizophrenic, on drugs?

Evi: Do you think we are?

(To paraphrase Marlon Brando in The Freshman, “this is not a no.” Luckily, the interviewer clears things up for us)

Canning: You tell me

Evi: No.

Quaid: No! We don’t do drugs. She doesn’t even drink.

Evi: Not even vaguely. And can I ask you a question? Does murder happen?

Canning: Yes.

Evi: Does embezzlement happen?

Canning: Yes.

Evi: That’s all I want, is somebody to investigate

Okay, for starters I love that Evi Quaid used the phrase “slipped him a mickey.” That’s an excuse that celebs need to start using a lot more of. Although what with how many times Mel Gibson has made questionable public statements, I think it would be more like somebody slipped him a mickey. 47 times in a row.

Oh, and who else noticed that Evi Quaid makes sure that we know she doesn’t even vaguely drink, whatever that means. Also, am I the only one who noticed that Randy and Evi seemed to be only denying the on drugs part?

Double also I think we should give major tact points to the interviewer here for avoiding the phrase, “seriously, are you guys tweaking right now?”

Do you know what I really love about this whole situation? They are in Canada. America has finally figured out how to outsource our celebrity nut jobs. If this catches on, we could have the entire Lohan clan in a crate bound for Tunisia by the end of the month.

It was a tough day for fans of literacy, because Justin Beiber’s autobiography, First Step 2 Forever came out today. First Step 2 Forever? Dear Mr Ghostwriter, that MFA you took out all the student loans for? You would have been better off piling all that money up in the street and setting it on fire, xoxo Waffleboy.

Anyway, this a 240 page tome that our little Justin wrote to set the record straight, because there is a lot of stuff about him floating around on the Internet.

Oh really? Great! For those of you who don’t feel like shelling out the $12.83 to Amazon may I introduce you to the Waffleboy spends five mintues googling Justin Beiber to see what he really needs to clear up reader’s digest.

Okay, here’s what I think he’s going to cover. He’s not a girl. He likes girls, and his testicles dropped several years ago, thank you very much. The end. Hmmm, I’m guessing the other 239 pages are pictures.

Wednesday

Well it took her 18 years, but it looks like Miley Cyrus’s mom found a way to do something more appallingly embarrassing for her daughter then sleeping with Billy Ray Cyrus. According to US Magazine, what broke up Mrs. Cyrus’s marriage with Mr. Cyrus was him finding out that she had a fling with [wait for it], Bret Michaels.

Am I the only one feeling a sudden urge to take a blisteringly hot bath with straight bleach right about now?

Okay, okay this is only alleged, because everyone’s publicists are swearing up and down that it didn’t happen, and it’s not like Us Magazine has pictures of anyone stumbling out of a motel room together.

All they really have is that when Billy Ray Troll Patch pulled the plug on their marriage, it was a bolt from the blue that nobody had a good explanation for.  Oh, and US Magazine had the always reliable unnamed close source, which is usually scandal ragese for their imaginary friend.

So why am I even leaving the door open for doubt on this one? You mean besides the fact I’m a sad bitter person with too much time on my hands?

Ironically because of the statement put out by Bret’s publicist, which I just have to quote. “This is untrue. My client is not that type of person,” Bret’s rep said in a statement to Access Hollywood on Tuesday. “He has worked with Miley and Tish on a professional level.”

My client is not that kind of person? Oh come on, the last season of Rock of Love could have been subtitled Bret Michaels makes a mockery of the Mann Act. Look, I’m not saying Bret Michaels is the second coming of Caligula, but from what I’ve seen of the guy on TV he looks like he would stick his doodle in a mud puddle if he thought it would wiggle.

Still, the person you have to feel sorry for here is Miley Cyrus. Let’s face it, as a teenager you don’t even want to think about your parents having sex, let alone seeing Billy Bush chatter about it before Dateline comes on.

As a matter of fact, I am going to be cutting Miley Cyrus some extra slack when it comes to her public behavior. You know, unless she does something truly appalling.

Like going around in public dressed like this.  Annnnnd we’re done!

Thursday

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo got engaged. Let the apathy begin in five, four, three, two, one, and now.

Zzzzzzzzzz

Friday

I found out that earlier this week NBC announced they are picking up the pilot Are You There Vodka, It’s Me Chelsea.

This is a milestone for Hollywood finally being willing to give breaks to tall thin fairly attractive blond women.

We’ll tell our grandchildren about this. And if there is any justice in the world, it will be when they are leaving us at the old folks home.