The Week In Celebrity Mockery: Oct 23

This week in celebrity news, Paris Hilton continues her streak of 2,556 days of annoying people, just by leaving her house. Kudos to you Paris!

(Hi there Gasmi, welcome to The Week In Celebrity Mockery, where we make fun of people who are smarter, better looking, and more talented then us. Oh, and also the other 98% of the people who appear in TMZ, who seem to get in just based solely on their ability to irk the living poop out of me. If you like a fair and balanced Internet, where everyone gets the benefit of the doubt, then keep it moving ya dirty hippie. If you think schadenfreude you should be an Olympic sport, and get absolute joy from kicking people while they are up, have a seat, and let’s see what the last week brought us.)
Sunday
The week got off to an awesome start thanks to that most wonderful invention for modern haters, Twitter. Yep, we got some good old fashioned Twitter snipping thanks to Chelsea Handler and Nick Cannon. Chelsea Handler came out tweeted about Nick Cannon’s upcoming comedy tour, asking who was going to supply the comedy? It was a good point, and surprisingly it didn’t show up on PotCallingKettleBlack.com
Now if Nick Cannon had just blown this off, we wouldn’t be here, but what’s the good of a Twitter account if you can’t text first, and think, well when you’re publicist tells you they are going to break your fingers with a hammer if you don’t cut it out?
Luckily for us, publicists don’t work on the weekends and Nick was able to rip back at Chelsea with zingers like “Everyone knows @chelseahandler had sec with the head of E! for her show. So when its caneled [sic] does he get residual [Insert your favorite profanity for a woman's vagina Here] for the reruns.”
Now I didn’t find out about this until I saw that picture of Nick Cannon looking like Mariah Carey was wandering around the house in spandex again. What caught my attention in the article I was reading was when they called Nick Cannon multi-talented. This lead to me muttering at my computer, “Holding Mariah’s purse is not a talent. Maybe you could call it a job skill, but it is definitely not a talent.”

Oh Nick, what’s with the long face? Did you have to watch Glitter again?

This lead to me going on Google to try to answer question that has been bothering me for a long time, which is why I typed in “Who the hell likes Chelsea Handler?” I didn’t get a straight answer, but I did find out that Chelsea Handler has written three best selling books. This is why I spent the rest of the week trying to get Congress to declare next Monday “Punch a Reader in the Mouth Day.” Actually I am also lobbying for Tuesday and Wednesday to be declared “Punch a Reader in the Mouth Day.” too. I mean come on, three books? Those hoity toity eggheads are asking for it.

The face of modern literature, and proof that illiteracy may be getting a raw deal

Monday
A pretty quite day on the celebrity front. I did find an article on Yahoo with a link to GossipCop.com with a story about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Apparently, another gossip magazine was flogging a story where Tom and Katie’s marriage is on the rocks because he isn’t coughing up some super serious coin for her to squeeze out another baby, oh, and she was extra miffed for not getting a part in Mission Impossible Part IV.
Now I didn’t put any stock in this story, because in order for it to be true, Katie Holmes would have to be a psycho mercenary of almost biblical proportions, and I mean come on, Joey Potter would never do anything like that. Also that would mean that Tom Cruise would have something to hide that he would be willing to do things that could only be called insane, and this is just … Man, Dawson’s Creek was a good show, huh?
To be honest this picture is the only reason I am bringing this up is this picture. I just like to watch Katie Holmes contort her body so she doesn’t look taller then Tom.

It’s like watching somebody hit the laws of physics right in the groin with a baseball bat

Tuesday
I saw where Lance Armstrong was welcoming his fifth child into the world. Okay, I’m not a fan of the phrase “welcoming a child into the world” because it kind of makes it sound like he was standing down at his girlfriend’s stirrups with a plastic lei, and a coupon for a free Wednesday night luau waiting for the kid to clear the birth canal.
Still I can feel for the people writing headlines, because guys don’t have babies (I checked on line, thank you Wikipedia!), and they have to write something. I mean they could write; “Lance Armstrong, who had three children with his wife before he divorced her, and then got engaged to Sheryl Crow before that relationship went in the crapper too, and then went on a tear with Matthew McCongney where they both acted like total man whores for a few months, current girlfriend just had their second child,” but that would be a little wordy.
Still it’s a nice story, I mean who could have a problem with babies? I mean besides the fact that they scream, poop like Old Faithful, and will literally suck the life out of your body through your nipples if you give them half a chance. Like I said, who doesn’t love babies?
Anyway, back to Lance. Five kids, that’s pretty impressive, especially considering he only has one testicle. That’s kind of like landing a plane with just one engine. It’s kind of inspiring when you think about it. Well in a sticky really don’t want to think about it way, but still it’s a little inspiring, right? Right?

Who wants a wrist brand?

Wednesday

Pictures from the cover of the latest issue of GQ with a racey spread featurning the cast of Glee hit the internet on Tuesday, but things didn’t really get cooking until The Parents Television Council came out on Wednesday, and said the pictures bordered on pedophilia. Then, using logic where you go from A to B to Q, the parents’ watchdog group claimed that these pictures showed the direction the show’s creators wanted to take the show, and it isn’t good for families.
I was surprised that a group looking out for American families didn’t take this opportunity to call out GQ on their continuing campaign to not only convince American males that Russell Brand has a sense of style, but that it is worth emulating. Do we really want the youth of America wearing creepy unitards and looking like where public lice go on a fancy vacation? I think not.
Lea Michele also used the article to give a shout out to her old high school. Her exact words were “F[insert your favorite profanity for sexual intercourse here. Hint, Lea Michele's rhymes with duck.] those people.” Okay, lets back up a little bit. Lea Michele was telling a story about how everyone but her got a nose job at her high school. Anyway, Lea’s mom wouldn’t let her have a nose job because Barbara Streisand never got a nose job, and Lea is now super proud that she can be herself on TV on a good empowering show that tells girls that don’t have to look like everyone else. Well except for Barbara Streisand if you’ve got an oversized schnozolla.
Also if you look at this cover you learn another very important lesson. If you are blond and don’t have a nose with a bump in it, like the other girl in the shot, Dianna Argon, the photographer might actually let you wear a skirt in the photo shoot, so you don’t look like a stripper. Hey, just throwing that out there. You know, for the kids. It’s always important to have something to strive for, like being blond and having a narrow nose.
Thursday

I just stumbled into this story almost by accident. I’m minding my own business, looking at my computer instead of being productive,when I see a headline that screams at me “Millionaire Matchmaker to Kim Kardashian: Stay Away From John Mayer!” I couldn’t help myself, it made John Mayer sound like a downed powerline, and the next thing you know I’m clicking on the full story.
It turns out that Patti Stanger, the aforementioned millionaire matchmaker felt compelled to notify the media that Kim Kardashian shouldn’t date John Mayer because he is a, quote, douchebag, unquote.
Nobody is going to argue that John Mayer isn’t a douchebag, but my first thought was, if there is somebody out there for everybody, who should be fixed up with a douchebag? Can you imagine that conversation? “Oh girlfriend, you’re so smart, and pretty, and have a good job, what you need in your life is a douchebag! Seriously girl, you need to be treated like the doormat you are!” Suddenly living with your three cats starts to make loads of sense.
Actually, if it were up to me, once we figured out a celebrity was a horrible person, we’d pair them up with another jerk. It’s easier to keep an eye on them if they’re together. That’s why in my perfect world, as soon as John Mayer had done that last Playboy interview where he pretty much trashed every woman who had ever gone out with him, somebody would have shown up on his doorstep with his new celebrity girlfriend, Kate Gosselin. The best part would be after they had been dating for awhile would be when John Mayer did another interview with Playboy where we found out his nickname for Kate was Sexual Fire Retardent. Ah, I like my perfect world. Did I mention that mailboxes would be made out of chocolate too?
Anyway, Patti gives Kim K a heads up that John Mayer shouldn’t be considered dating material, when you drops this line into the conversation; “Kim’s a class act. so I would never put her with him.” Now was I the only one who almost blew out an eyeball going back to reread that first sentence? Kim’s a class act? Well lets do the math on that one, by comparing to another class act. Right off the top of my head I would say the Queen of England is a class act, so let see how these two kids match up.
We’ll start with what these two ladies are most famous for. Well with Kim K it would have to be that sex tape, so I guess we have to call this one a push, because what celebrity doesn’t have a sex tape these days? What? Are you sure?? Oh I am so getting my money back now. Okay, we’ll give the classy point to the Queen of England.

DOES NOT HAVE A SEX TAPE…AS FAR AS WE KNOW

Next, lets look at their respective families. Kim’s family is pretty much a mess, and the Queen’s family is pretty messed up too. However Kim got her family a reality show, and the Queen seems bound and determined to keep her family in houses behind walls and high fences. Advantage Queen of England.
And while we are speaking of familes, Kim Kardashian’s family really, really seems to like elective surgery, and the Royal family prefers to keep the looks the good Lord gave them. We’re giving the point to Kim on this one, but if Bruce Jenner’s nose ever actually falls off his face, we’re calling this one a tie.
Okay, so know we know, the Queen of England is more of a class act then Kim Kardashian. John Mayer is a douchebag, and Patti Stanger may have more spare time on her hands then I do.
Friday
Ah, now today got cooking right from the start mocking-wise when I went online in the morning and saw “Hilary Duff: My Tooth Fell Out Before My Wedding!”

Of course, the actual story couldn’t compare to what possible senarios were flashing through my mind. I pictured Hilary saying; “I lost a tooth before my wedding, but thanks to crystal meth I got all the invitations done, and sewed all the bridesmaids’ dresses in one night. I’m never going to sleep again!” Or the more plausible theory; “Yes, I came down with scurvy, but thanks to that six months no citrus diet, I was able to get into that size 2 Vera Wang. I can eat limes on my honeymoon!”
Needless to say it was bait and switch, because it turns out her tooth fell out because she was eating a bagel. Okay, that’s actually weird, but they never really did explain why Hilary Duff’s teeth fall out when she eats bagels. Still, we’re not going there, because that was her magic day, and if her wedding planner hadn’t of been able to find a dentist, she would have ended up looking like Alfred E. Newman.
I also saw a headline where Bethanny Frankel showed up at the opening of Trident Gum stand in New York City. I think that was nicest way anyone has ever written “Middle Aged Woman Wandering the Streets,” in the history of mankind.

Finally, I leave you with this picture of Matt Damon, because everyone needs a laugh to start the weekend.

That’s why he is cutting his hair like a middle aged lesbian