The Week In Celebrity Mockery Oct. 30

Hi there Gasmi. Well, another week has rolled around which means it’s time to give our favorite, and not so favorite celebrities, a good brisk mocking. So enough with the small talk, let’s make fun of our social betters.

Saturday

The week got off to an interesting start. It was pretty much all births and weddings. Normally hard things to make fun of, but we tried to at least make an effort.

Celine Dion had twins, or as the headline said, “Celine Dion Welcomes Twin Boys.” Look, I went over my pet peeve towards saying welcome as a synonym for giving birth last week, but Celine had a C-section to have these kids. A more accurate headline would have been “Celine Deion Submits to Incision to Expel Tiny Humans From Her Body.”

Come on, be honest. Which story would you rather read just based on those headlines? Yeah, journalism school is so overrated.

Anyway, even a ragging A-hole such as yours truly couldn’t make fun of a couple dealing with infertility problems to bring children into the world. Luckily for us, Celine Deion’s obstetrician and gynecologist stepped up to provide us with all the unintentional comedy we could ever want. Doctor Ackerman issued a press release on Saturday, and you know what? I’m not even going to try to explain it to you, because you need to read this stuff yourself. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

“Dr. Ronald Ackerman, Dion’s obstetrician and gynecologist, told Us: “As coach and confidant for over 12 years for Celine and Rene, it is an honor and privilege to make this announcement on behalf of the Celine and Rene. At St. Mary’s Medical Center, at 11:11 and 11:12am, Celine gave birth to 2 healthy baby boys weighing 5lbs 10 ounces and 5 pounds 4 ounces. The Cesarean section was performed by the team and Dr. Ruel Stoessel, Celine’s obstetrician, and high risk doctor and obstetricians Dr. Steven Pliskow and Dr. Joshua Ackerman, my son. I would like to thank Dr. Stoessel, Celine’s high risk obstetrician who availed his high level of expertise to enable us to reach this joyous day. I would also like to thank Dr. Zev Rosenwaks for his tireless fertility treatments which afforded Celine and Rene with this opportunity, and to Dr. Pete Garcia, our pediatric physician who played an enormous role in her care. It should be known worldwide that this team agrees that Celine and Rene are clearly one of the most caring and kind individuals that they have ever cared for. Today is not the end, but the beginning of 2 new lives.”

Finished? Bet you haven’t read anything like that in awhile, huh?

Now I maybe immature, scratch that, I am immature, because as soon as this guy described himself as a “coach”, I started to giggle. This is mainly because I found myself picturing Jon Voight in Varsity Blues being someone’s fertility coach. I saw Jon Voight twisting Celine Dion’s helmet (hey, if you are going to have sex with Rene Angelil, you’re wearing a helmet) telling Celine her “intensity is for shit,” and pressuring her to get her knee shot up with pain killers for the “big game.”

I want you to hit those Fallopian tubes like you mean it!

Actually in some ways this is better then the actual movie, but when you get to the end of the press release, you see butt kissing raised to a fine art. That whole, it should be known worldwide bit, made it sound we desperately need to get in touch with those stone age tribes in the Amazon, and make sure they know Celine and Rene are the tits when it comes to humanity.

Like I said this is either the best press release of the year, or the worst, but it definitely isn’t boring, so kudos to you Dr. Ackerman!

Oh, Russell Brand and Katy Perry got married in India in a ceremony that featured two elephants, and the world’s most nervous wedding planner. Hey, I’m sure it was a nice ceremony, but Doctor Ackerman didn’t write the press release. Their loss.

We just wanted a quiet private wedding…with elephants

Sunday

Nene from The Real Housewives of Atlanta admitted that she had plastic surgery back in April. NeNe had her nose done, got her breasts reduced and lifted and because she was there, had a little some liposuction too.

Nene said “I still wanted to look like NeNe, the black woman I am, but a better version.”

To begin with, NeNe gets bonus points in my book for talking about herself in the third person. I think everyone should do that whenever possible. Waffleboy wants caramel corn! See, wasn’t that fun? Well it would be more fun if there was actual caramel corn present, but you have to love the third person.

Okay so NeNe went in for some work. and up until now it is pretty much your standard celebrity admitting they had plastic surgery story. Right up until the point in the article that says NeNe is going from a size 10 to a size 8.

[Long awkward pause] This just in, NeNe and reality are apparently on the outs. You heard it here first.

Monday

Our work week started off with Randy Quaid appearing to have gone insane. Well Randy Quaid apparently went insane and then went Canada.

Okay, this story started the week before, but I don’t think anyone really had a clue as to what was going until Monday, when Randy Quaid and his wife applied for asylum in Canada. Yeah, Cousin Eddy skipped the country.

It turns out, that a few months before down in LA, Randy Quaid and his wife got a ticket for apparently squatting in a house they had sold about 12 years before. When the court date came due, Mr and Mrs Quaid were no-shows, which lead to warrants being issued for their arrest.

Now nobody was losing any sleep over this until the Quaids got picked up late last week in Vancouver British Columbia for what the police would only call “an incident.” Once everybody figured out that they had picked up one of the Quaid brothers, but not the good looking one who got dumped by Meg Ryan when Russell Crow turned her into a floosy for awhile, but that was okay, because as Meg told us, Dennis had been a horn dog from the first day of their marriage, and…Wait, I was talking about something else? Randy Quaid! Thanks you’re the bestest, and thanks before I got started on that plastic surgery Meg Ryan got, I can talk about that for days.

Anyway, Randy Quaid and his wife got pulled in by the Mounties, and ended up in front of a Canadian judge asking for refugee status. You see, according to the Quaids their lives are in danger because they are the target of Hollywood star whackers.

The star whackers, according to the Quaids, a secret group that killed eight of Randy’s close acting friends, and the Quaids fear they will be next. Okay, it’s not a story I hear every day, but the judge released the Quaids on a $10,000 cash bond, so they could prepare for their case, and I am not making this up, care for their new puppy.

For what it is worth, Randy Quaid keeps insisting he isn’t crazy, and having never met the guy I’m in no position to judge. All I know is sane people almost never have to tell people they aren’t out of their trees. You don’t hear anyone at Starbucks in front of you saying; “I’ll have a venti caramel latte, and by the way, I’m not insane.” Crazy people on the other hand seem to bring up their non-looniness much more often then normal.

Anyway, here’s hoping things work out for the best for the Quaids and their puppy up in the Great White North.

Deadline Hollywood announced that NBC is picking up the Jamie Foxx drama project, Tommy’s Little Girl. It’s the heartwarming story of a young girl who grows up in a Mafia family, and after her family is murdered by a competing crime boss, she goes to live in an orphanage. She then goes on to grow up and become a lawyer by day, and a deadly assassin by night. Okay, so if you liked The Sopranos, The Good Wife, or Le Femme Nikita, then this is the show for you. Actually, if they kicked off a celebrity for sub par ballroom dancing at the end of every episode, this show could be a perfect storm of stolen plotlines.

Will it be any good? Who knows. So why do I bring it up? Mainly as an excuse to look at the ever changing hairline of Jamie Foxx.

It’s like a kaleodoscope only with hair

Tuesday

Have you ever started your day by finding 20 bucks in your pocket you didn’t know was there? That’s an awesome feeling, huh? Well I felt the same way when I got up on Tuesday morning and saw the headline, “Charlie Sheen Trashes Hotel Suite.”

I just glanced at the story, but it had everything I look for in celebrity news: thousands of dollars worth of damage to a hotel suite, cocaine, the cops getting called in, and even a nude prostitute cowering in the closet. If you can’t mock a story like that, you have no business mocking anything. I clicked offline and went about my day with that happy surprise 20 feeling buoying me along all day long.

Well imagine my surprise when I got home that afternoon, and found out, that according to Charlie Sheen’s publicist I had it all wrong? Yeah, according to Team Sheen Charlie had just had an allergic reaction to a medication, and after a quick trip to the hospital, he was cleared to flee the jurisdiction. Sorry, I mean able to go home to California.

Wow, those are two very different competing realities, huh? So which one is right? Well, as I’m writing this it looks a lot more like trash the hotel suite Charlie, as opposed to the pills my doctor gave me made me act silly Charlie, and that’s just the way I like it.

Charlie is Mr Dependable, in a get loaded and possibly threaten women kind of way

You see we live in an uncertain world where it’s hard to find anything you can count on. I don’t know about you, but I can count on Charlie Sheen. From when he accidentally shot his then fiance, Kelly Preston, to his one man attempt to support the call girl industry in LA, to every trip to rehab, and every time the cops have been called in to settle Charlie down, Charlie Sheen gives something the world seems to lack. Consistency. He’s been like this for decades. Charlie Sheen has never surprised me. He’s a known quantity.

To paraphrase Jack Nicholson’s speech from A Few Good Men. “Because deep down, in places I don’t talk about at parties, I want Charlie Sheen trashing hotel suites. I need Charlie Sheen trashing hotel suites.”

Now if you will excuse me, I need to get Jack Nicholson to order a code red on Justin Beiber.

Wednesday

When I saw on Yahoo that David Arquette went on Howard Stern I things weren’t going to end well. Okay, that’s only if you are a fan of quiet dignity in an unfortunate situation. If you find humor in someone saying something completely inappropriate on a nationally syndicated radio show, then you are about to get an ending better than the one in the last reel of ET.

In case you been out of the loop, David Arquette and Courtney Cox recently separated. We know this because Courtney Cox’s publicist issued a very tasteful press release, and then David Arquette went on Howard Stern and mentioned that he and Courtney hadn’t had sex in over four months before they split up.

Okay, that’s not a huge surprise in a marriage where everyone is about to get separate houses, but if you are saying you love your wife and want to get back together, like David Arquette has been telling people, then making your lack of martial relations part of the public record is probably not going to get you the late night call you’re looking for.

But hey, that is water under the bridge, because as we said, David got a brand new chance on Wednesday to make everything right on the very radio show where he had his little boomby. So did David Arquette use this time to let the world know that he misses his wife? And in a socially acceptable manner? Yes to the first question, and oh hell no to the second.

David Arquette admitted that he got to thinking about his wife, and it made him cry. Well a couple of days after he had sex for the first time after he got separated. You see the idea of making love to another woman was so crushing it drove him to tears, because it was just that sad. Keep in mind it didn’t make him so sad he wasn’t able to get an erection and maintain it until ejaculation, but within like 48 hours of Bingo; the waterworks were open for business.

Look, I’ll be the first to admit that flowers and a teddy bear are super corny when you want to patch things up, but it has to work better then this. Shoot a flaming bag of dog poop left on a doorstep has to work better then this.

I’m thinking single and staying that way.

Thursday

Just some quick things that caught my eye

Kendra Wilkerson recently let the media know she spices up her marriage by sexting. Well, it worked for Brett Favre. Oh, right.

A South American magazine is swearing up and down they didn’t photoshop a recent cover of Justin Beiber.

Okay, all I’m going to say if that photo hasn’t been touched up then the Beiber has a better and softer complexion then all of my high school prom queens combined.

Audrina Patridge’s mom, who after Audrina was booted from Dancing With The Stars used the phrase “Lauren Conrad’s pissy a– little fashion s—.” has come out and said she was extremely emotional that night. She also said she had at least three glasses of red wine that night, which is way classier than saying God, I was completely shitfaced the other night. I’m thinking that if on their new reality show, the shows producers can keep her “extremely emotional” every week, they may just have a hit on their hands.

Friday

After a solid week of referring to their new twins as Whathisface and Theotherone, Celine Dion and her husband saw fit to announce their twins’ names, Eddy and Nelson.

The boys were named after the guy who produced Celine’s first five albums, and Nelson Mandela. Celine and her husband, noted Jabba the Hutt impersonator, Rene Angelil, wanted their new children to be inspired by their names.

Hmm, one kid is named after a record producer, and the other is named after a Noble Peace Prize winner. Well, it’s never to early to put uneven expectations on your children, so kudos to you Celine Dion, and your much older and heavier husband!

And of course we end the week as always, with mean spirited pictures and captions.

“Courtney Love is a “mad enchantress, a rasping white witch, barmy and opinionated and lion-hearted.” A quote from My Booky Wook 2 by Russell Brand

Am I the only one who thinks this dress could make a sausage feel bloated?

It was all fun and games until Goofy pulled the robbery later that night.