The Weekend’s Top TV Shows, January 7 and 8

Saturday, Jan. 7

My Cat From Hell (Animal Planet, 8 pm) A cat named Kleo keeps Tim from proposing to his girlfriend.

Kleo has no opposable thumbs. How much control over Tim can she possibly have?

Cops (Fox, 8 pm) A homeless man refuses to leave the handicap stall in a store bathroom.

Who can blame him? Those things are spacious! And so clean!

The Dark Knight (TNT, 8 pm) Republican Debate (ABC, 9 pm) When a vile young criminal calling himself the Joker throws the town into chaos, the caped Crusader treads the line between heroism and vigilantism.

152 minutes of Batman. 43 minutes of commercials. This is why I don’t watch movies on TNT.

Behind the Music Remastered (VH1 Classic, 9 pm) Accordion player “Weird” Al Yankovic becomes the king of pop parody.

“Weird” Al is the reason I can never get the lyrics to “Lola” right. And I love him for it.

Bubble Guppies (Nick Jr., 9 pm) Fish-tailed preschoolers attend school in an underwater classroom.

These bubble guppies freak me out, man. Really. I ain’t kiddin’.

Celebrity Ghost Stories (Bio, 9 pm) Wendi McLendon-Covey and Bridget Marquardt have paranormal encounters.

If I was one of the spectral undead, I guess I’d haunt busty blondes, too.

Pit Bulls and Parolees (Animal Planet, 10 pm) Tia makes a difficult decision; a family seeks shelter for its pit bull after losing a home in a fire.

Pit Bulls are 60% more likely to smoke in bed than any other breed.

Billy Graham Classic Crusades (Trinity Broadcasting Network, 10 pm) Classic crusades held decades ago are released to a new generation.

I’d love to see the market research proving that Generation X is hankering for a dose of Billy Graham.

Dr. G: Inside the Caylee Anthony Case (TLC, 10 pm) Jan C. Garavaglia, MD and her team of experts explain the complicated forensics of the Caylee Anthony case, the trial and controversial verdict.

Moms who have too many kids, moms who have deformed kids, moms who kill their kids. Thanks, TLC.

Bull Riding (CBS Sports, 11 pm) From Madison Square Garden, New York, N.Y.

Bull riding is a real job. I still can’t believe that shit.

Sunday, Jan. 8

Dateline NBC (7 pm) Singer Jennifer Hudson discusses her upcoming wedding, healthy living and her new book, “I Got This”; investigators find an unlikely suspect in a woman’s death.

Iran’s nuclear program is boring; let’s talk Jennifer Hudson’s china pattern!

Jig (TLC, 8 pm) The Irish Dancing World Championships held in Gasgow, Scotland.

How any of these people got through grade school alive, I don’t know.

Ax Men (History, 8 pm) A gruesome accident puts Shelby Stanga dead in the water.

I got this one here from when the chain came off my Stihl ms250. The doctors said I’d never be able to perform the act of love again!

Glam Fairy (Style 8 pm) Creating a new look for a female football team.

Somebody already invented “sporty”. [Sad horns]

Cupcake Wars (Food Network, 8 pm) Celebration of the Major League Soccer Cup Finals.

English soccer hooligans cause an unexpected problem.

Family Guy (9 pm) Quagmire gets involved with a newly 18-year-old Meg, much to Peter’s dismay.

Keep those stubby little animated legs closed, Meg.

Desperate Housewives (CBS, 9 pm) After her friends abandon her, Bree prepares to end her life.

Yeah, like we’d be so lucky.

Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo, 9 pm) Phaedra is ready to make her family business a reality; Kandi goes country; Kim struggles with Brielle; NeNe meets with Marlo Hampton.

Bravo’s money pays for the former two; no amount of money can fix the latter two.

Downtown Abbey (PBS, 9pm) Matthew and others go off to war, while some try to avoid it.

Stuffy English people smother under the weight of their own propriety.

The Firm (NBC, 9 pm) John Grisham’s lawyer character Mitch McDeere associates with another firm that may or may not be involved in something illicit.

Could it be… Scientology??