The Weekend’s Top TV Shows, Sat. Dec. 31-Sun. Jan.1

Watercooler

By NotWithoutMyTV | Saturday, December 31, 2011 | 10:40 am | 10 Comments
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Posted in: Tonight's Top 10 Shows, Watercooler

Sat., Dec. 31

Strange Sex: The Year’s Best (TLC, 8 pm) The top-10 strangest sex stories impart the strangest, most-unusual instances of relationships and sexual practices.

Freak babies, freak families, freak brides, freak sex. Go “impart” your freaks somewhere else, TLC.

The Bourne Ultimatum (CBS, 8:30 pm) Jason Bourne continues his international quest to uncover his true identity while staying one step ahead of those who want to kill him.

CBS just gives up, shows a How I Met Your Mother rerun at 8 pm, a Bourne movie until 11 pm, and then lets its local affiliates decide how they’re supposed to compete with animatronic Dick Clark and his evil protégé Ryan Seacrest.

Travel Channel Uncut: Bloopers and Wrong Turns (Travel, 10 pm) An updated collection of funny moments from the Travel Channel.

Somebody told Bert Kreicher he was funny. They were wrong.

Great Performances: Hugh Laurie (PBS,  10 pm) Actor Hugh Laurie performs New Orleans blues and jazz with Dr. John, Allen Toussaint, Irma Thomas and Tom Jones.

I always thought they just got really good body doubles whenever House played an instrument…

The Five (Fox News Channel, 9 pm) Some of the network’s featured talent who appear include Geraldo Rivera, Juan Williams, Greg Gutfeld, Dana Perino, Monica Crowley, Bob Beckel and Kimberly Guilfoyle.

Juan Williams will be on a 5-second time delay.

NBC’s New Year’s Eve with Carson Daily (NBS, 10 pm) Late-night host Carson Daly returns to NBC’s New Year’s Eve coverage to begin the countdown to 2012 in New York’s Times Square.

NBC Exec: “ABC’s got animatronic  Dick Clark and Seacrest, Lady Gaga, and fuckin’ Beiber. Who do we got?

NBC Scheduler: We got… Carson Daily?

Dick Clark’s Primetime New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest (ABC, 10 pm) Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest host the festivities with Jenny McCarthy providing reports from Times Square. Justin Beiber and Lady GaGa perform.

Justin Beiber. Lady Gaga. Ryan Seacrest. 2012 is here, and I got this bad “2011 taste” in my mouth.

Austin City Limits: Coldplay New Year’s Eve (PBS, 11 pm) Coldplay’s New Year’s Eve concert features songs from the new album, “Mylo Xyloto.”

Nobody wants the new stuff. They want to hear “Yellow”.

Local Programming (ABC, 11 pm) Your local news.

Your hometown newscasters interrupt the festivities to keep you up to date on who died in a car crash and which town councilman is corrupt, and put worries in your head like “Could YOUR child’s schoolbus driver be on methamphetamines??!”

Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest (ABC, 11:30 pm) A bicoastal celebration counts down to midnight.

ABC throws it back to Clark and Seacrest to smack 2012 on the ass and make it breathe. Sweet Ghanesha, let it be better than 2011…

 

Sun., Jan. 1

Great Perfromances (PBS, 7:30 pm) Julie Andrews hosts the annual New Year’s celebration with the Vienna Philharmonic; conducted by Mariss Jansons.

Just the thing to wash I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant out of your mind.

Drugs, Inc. (National Geographic Channel, 8 pm) The highly addictive crack cocaine gives users a cheap, short and intense high, making it a drug dealers dream.

And Whitney Houston never runs out of money.

NFL Football (NBC, 8:15 pm) The NFC East title is on the line when Eli Manning and the Giants battle the Cowboys for a spot in the NFC Playoffs. From MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, N.J.

Is that Tebow guy on either of these teams? What’s his dealio, anyway?

Rachael vs. Guy Celebrity Cook-Off (Food Network, 9 pm) Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri mentor eight celebrities, who battle it out in a culinary fight-to-the-finish.

Congratulations, Food Network. You’ve created a show around the two biggest fuckwaffles in the TV food biz

Oprah’s Next Chapter (OWN, 9 pm) Oprah Winfrey made a name for herself by interviewing famous guests on her daytime talk show she hosted for a quarter of a century.

In the “next chapter” of her career, the Big O tries something new and interviews famous guests… in their homes.

Basketball Wives (VH 1, 9 pm) Cheri’s reaction to Jordana’s tantrum puts everyone on edge; Anna fixes the calendar.

This should have been called Baller Ballers.

Chef Roble & Co. (Bravo, 10 pm) The team organizes a dog wedding.

Roble finally found clients who could stand his diva personality and his fucked-up food.

Finding Bigfoot (Animal Planet, 10 pm) The team heads to New York to investigate a video of baby bigfoot.

“Aw! It’s sooo cute. C’mere, little guy! Aaaaaarrrgghhhhhh!”

Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!, 10 pm) Kris H. questions Jonathan’s sexuality; Scott makes an impulse buy; Kourt takes interest in coupons.

Kris Humphries is somebody who should know that it isn’t gay if you cry in the shower afterward.

All-American Muslim (TLC, 10 pm) The community of Dearborn braces for a painful anniversary; Shadia and Bilal travel to New York to get tattoos from Ami James.

If this show isn’t good enough for kayak.com, it isn’t good enough for me.

By day, I'm an editor. That means I get a cruel thrill out of identifying the parts of other people's creative projects that suck, and alerting those people to said suckage. Sometimes, I get paid for it. I've been known to lose my appetite after seeing how a Thai menu has folded, spindled, and mutilated the Queen's English. Imagine what TV does to me! I guess that's why I wanted to be a recapper at TVgasm. My friends have heard all of my rants, and they are sick of them. TVgasm is a whole new captive audience! So, let's make a compact, you and I: you agree to read my recaps and take what amusement you can from them, and I agree to put into the print the outrageous observations about the show that you thought, but were too PC to say. Let's share our joyous rage after wasting another perfectly good hour in front of the television.

Oh, and I still believe that Magnum, P.I. was the greatest show on television. Although I have not seen Thomas Magnum fishtail that Ferrari in the opening credits since I was 14. If Magnum, P.I. actually sucked, keep your damn squeal hole shut and don't ruin it for me, OK?

10 Comments

  1. 1
    lindaw205
    Posted December 31, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    I have decided that the devil spawn of Tate and Vivien from American Horror Story is none other than Ryan Seacrest. AHS is, in reality, Ryan Seacrest’s very onw E! biography. There’s no other explanation.

  2. 2
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted December 31, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    fuckwaffle! HAHHAAHAH! I die. I. Die. That is great, totally stealing that word. It is right up there with dicksmack…only gets used every once in a while! Happy New Year. There isn’t shit on that interests me. Guess I will read a book and ring in 2012 watching the back of my eye lids!!

  3. 3
    lindaw205
    Posted December 31, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    I appreciate you pointing out the air time for the fuckwaffle show so I won’t accidently happen upon it. I really don’t want to spend the night vomiting over the sight of the two of them together. EVOO and ‘I’m such a douch I changed my name from Ferry to Fieri’. Blech.

  4. 4
    NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted January 1, 2012 at 8:24 am

    I can’t take credit for “Fuckwaffle”. I may very well have co-opted it from some other talented recapper here. Most of us are artists, and vulgarity is our chosen medium.

  5. 5
    NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted January 1, 2012 at 8:25 am

    But yeah, “Fuckwaffle” is now a staple in my household, too.

  6. 6
    shantigal
    Posted January 1, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Mmmmmmmmmm, waffles.

  7. 7
    RazzBeth
    Posted January 1, 2012 at 10:22 am

    I saw the commercial for the fuckwaffles and was wondering if someone was going to recap that crap. C list, has been stars and those 2 equals recap gold!!!

  8. 8
    lindaw205
    Posted January 1, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    I saw that commercial, too, RazzBeth. Was one of those guys scrambling around that former teen idol who’s a brother to one of the Backstreet Boys? I can’t remember his name but I think he was on DWTS, too.

  9. 9
    thatdariamom1332
    Posted January 1, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    So true on Austin City Limits and Coldplay. They were good when their first 2 albums came out. And that was it.

  10. 10
    Richmond
    Posted February 23, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    Glad to see Harry’s Law gtenitg up tick in viewers. I’m a college student (so in the coveted demo) but go to school at nights so most of my veiwing is on DVR. Really enjoyed the first three eps of the season.

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