Sat., Dec. 31
Strange Sex: The Year’s Best (TLC, 8 pm) The top-10 strangest sex stories impart the strangest, most-unusual instances of relationships and sexual practices.
Freak babies, freak families, freak brides, freak sex. Go “impart” your freaks somewhere else, TLC.
The Bourne Ultimatum (CBS, 8:30 pm) Jason Bourne continues his international quest to uncover his true identity while staying one step ahead of those who want to kill him.
CBS just gives up, shows a How I Met Your Mother rerun at 8 pm, a Bourne movie until 11 pm, and then lets its local affiliates decide how they’re supposed to compete with animatronic Dick Clark and his evil protégé Ryan Seacrest.
Travel Channel Uncut: Bloopers and Wrong Turns (Travel, 10 pm) An updated collection of funny moments from the Travel Channel.
Somebody told Bert Kreicher he was funny. They were wrong.
Great Performances: Hugh Laurie (PBS, 10 pm) Actor Hugh Laurie performs New Orleans blues and jazz with Dr. John, Allen Toussaint, Irma Thomas and Tom Jones.
I always thought they just got really good body doubles whenever House played an instrument…
The Five (Fox News Channel, 9 pm) Some of the network’s featured talent who appear include Geraldo Rivera, Juan Williams, Greg Gutfeld, Dana Perino, Monica Crowley, Bob Beckel and Kimberly Guilfoyle.
Juan Williams will be on a 5-second time delay.
NBC’s New Year’s Eve with Carson Daily (NBS, 10 pm) Late-night host Carson Daly returns to NBC’s New Year’s Eve coverage to begin the countdown to 2012 in New York’s Times Square.
NBC Exec: “ABC’s got animatronic Dick Clark and Seacrest, Lady Gaga, and fuckin’ Beiber. Who do we got?
NBC Scheduler: We got… Carson Daily?
Dick Clark’s Primetime New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest (ABC, 10 pm) Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest host the festivities with Jenny McCarthy providing reports from Times Square. Justin Beiber and Lady GaGa perform.
Justin Beiber. Lady Gaga. Ryan Seacrest. 2012 is here, and I got this bad “2011 taste” in my mouth.
Austin City Limits: Coldplay New Year’s Eve (PBS, 11 pm) Coldplay’s New Year’s Eve concert features songs from the new album, “Mylo Xyloto.”
Nobody wants the new stuff. They want to hear “Yellow”.
Local Programming (ABC, 11 pm) Your local news.
Your hometown newscasters interrupt the festivities to keep you up to date on who died in a car crash and which town councilman is corrupt, and put worries in your head like “Could YOUR child’s schoolbus driver be on methamphetamines??!”
Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest (ABC, 11:30 pm) A bicoastal celebration counts down to midnight.
ABC throws it back to Clark and Seacrest to smack 2012 on the ass and make it breathe. Sweet Ghanesha, let it be better than 2011…
Sun., Jan. 1
Great Perfromances (PBS, 7:30 pm) Julie Andrews hosts the annual New Year’s celebration with the Vienna Philharmonic; conducted by Mariss Jansons.
Just the thing to wash I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant out of your mind.
Drugs, Inc. (National Geographic Channel, 8 pm) The highly addictive crack cocaine gives users a cheap, short and intense high, making it a drug dealers dream.
And Whitney Houston never runs out of money.
NFL Football (NBC, 8:15 pm) The NFC East title is on the line when Eli Manning and the Giants battle the Cowboys for a spot in the NFC Playoffs. From MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, N.J.
Is that Tebow guy on either of these teams? What’s his dealio, anyway?
Rachael vs. Guy Celebrity Cook-Off (Food Network, 9 pm) Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri mentor eight celebrities, who battle it out in a culinary fight-to-the-finish.
Congratulations, Food Network. You’ve created a show around the two biggest fuckwaffles in the TV food biz
Oprah’s Next Chapter (OWN, 9 pm) Oprah Winfrey made a name for herself by interviewing famous guests on her daytime talk show she hosted for a quarter of a century.
In the “next chapter” of her career, the Big O tries something new and interviews famous guests… in their homes.
Basketball Wives (VH 1, 9 pm) Cheri’s reaction to Jordana’s tantrum puts everyone on edge; Anna fixes the calendar.
This should have been called Baller Ballers.
Chef Roble & Co. (Bravo, 10 pm) The team organizes a dog wedding.
Roble finally found clients who could stand his diva personality and his fucked-up food.
Finding Bigfoot (Animal Planet, 10 pm) The team heads to New York to investigate a video of baby bigfoot.
“Aw! It’s sooo cute. C’mere, little guy! Aaaaaarrrgghhhhhh!”
Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!, 10 pm) Kris H. questions Jonathan’s sexuality; Scott makes an impulse buy; Kourt takes interest in coupons.
Kris Humphries is somebody who should know that it isn’t gay if you cry in the shower afterward.
All-American Muslim (TLC, 10 pm) The community of Dearborn braces for a painful anniversary; Shadia and Bilal travel to New York to get tattoos from Ami James.
If this show isn’t good enough for kayak.com, it isn’t good enough for me.