Tonight’s Top 10 Shows: Monday, July 9

Monday, July 9

During the Boxer Rebellion, the Governor of Shangxi Province ordered the execution of 45 Christian missionaries and church members, including their children, on this date in 1900. As many of you know, Angel, Spike, Darla and Drusilla took full advantage of the ensuing chaos, snacking on many of the victims, and Spike killed his first Slayer.

The Bachelorette (ABC 8pm) Emily and the three remaining bachelors travel to Curacao; Emily faces the prospect of the fantasy suite.

For goodness sake, Em, if it’s that bad, just lie back and think of NASCAR.

Fear Factor (NBC 8pm) Contestants connected to a helicopter via bungee cord are ripped off a cliff’s edge; other stunts include being submerged in a tub full of leeches and navigating through a five-story building engulfed in flames.

NBC does the civilised world a great disservice by going to great lengths in order to ensure that all of the contestants survive these ordeals. Perhaps we should send them a copy of The Origin of the Species and remind of just how crucial it is for the future of humanity to kill these idiots off before they reproduce.

Hell’s Kitchen (Fox 8pm) The Blue Team competes against the Red Team in a challenge that forces the chefs to think on their feet; three special diners attend the dinner service.

Will Kimmie be able to cook in spite of her burns? How many dishes will be sent back to due contamination with hair and/or Clemenza sweat? Will Justin get more than 30 seconds of screen time? Sadly, there’s only one way to find out. Well, that, or read the recap.

The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family 8pm) Amy and Ricky face a dilemma when their friends and family want to throw them a wedding reception.

How entitled are you when you want to complain about people throwing you an awesome party where people will give you lots of presents and/or money in order to help your married life get off to a great start?

Wedding receptions usually only suck when you’re a guest.

MasterChef (9pm) The cooks must incorporate sea urchin into their creations; the winner of the mystery box challenge assigns the others one of eight different types of fish.

So the winner of the mystery box challenge gets immunity this time, or at least I’m guessing so because of context clues. Also, poor DareDevil working with a sea urchin. I forsee blood.

Bunheads (ABC Family 9pm) Michelle seeks a new living arrangement to distance herself from her mother-in-law; Fanny attempts to keep a ballet company from moving their summer program to another city.

Meanwhile, everyone speaks very, very quickly while sipping from enormous cups of coffee. We’re on to you, Amy Sherman-Palladino.

Eureka (SyFy 9pm) Episode: Double Take

That’s all they gave me. I’m guessing doppelgangers? It’s been a while since we’ve had a doppelganger episode, yes?

Opening Act (E! 9pm) Premiere: Arielle’s chance to prove her critics wrong; opening act for Rod Stewart.

“This series strives to give little-known singers, whose videos are mainly seen online, their big break in the entertainment industry.”

Like this guy…?

Lost Girl (SyFy 10pm) Lauren learns that Nadia is cursed; Kenzi plans a surprise birthday party for Bo.

Sookie’s weekly suck-fest (ha, see what I did there?) of bad decisions more than fills my fae quota for the week, but if anybody watches this I would be curious to know if it’s any good.

Perception (TNT 10pm) Premiere: FBI Agent Kate Moretti recruits her former neuroscience professor to help out on a case involving the death of a pharmaceutical executive; Daniel’s hallucinations threaten to derail the case.

You know what television is really lacking? A crime procedural involving a super-smart scientist with a mental-illness/personality disorder that makes him difficult to work with yet somehow even more brilliant than he would be otherwise. Oh, wait.

What will you be watching tonight?