Tonight’s Top 10 Shows: Monday, May 28

Monday, May 28

On May 28, 1934, Yvonne, Annette, Cécile, Émilie, and Marie Dionne were born. The first known surviving quintuplets, the girls became instantaneous celebrities, and were removed from their parents’ custody at the age of four months by the government of Ontario, Canada. The government then set them up in a sort of human goldfish bowl, ultimately raking in an estimated $51 million in tourist revenue. The girls were also used to sell Karo Corn Syrup, Quaker Oats, and other products until they finally reached the age of majority and left their exploitative guardians far behind. The moral of the story? People suck.

The Bachelorette (ABC 8pm) Emily surprises Chris with a performance by Luke Bryant on their one-on-one date; Emily’s friends question the 12 bachelors on the group date; Dolly Parton gives Emily and Arie a private concert at Dollywood.

People do this show in lieu of jail time, right?

America’s Got Talent (NBC 8pm) Hopefuls audition in Tampa, Florida.

Howard Stern makes more children cry.

Basketball Wives (VH1 8pm) Finale: Jen is called out on her behavior; Shaunie seeks help in making a life-altering decision.

Renewal Status: Renewed, with the promise of less fighting next season. I’m not sure how this is going to make it more watchable.

Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels (A&E 9pm) Premiere: Former “unhappily married” couple Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed adjust to their new life as husband and wife.

That’s “happily unmarried,” morons.

River Monsters (Animal Planet 9pm) Finale: Jeremy travels to Guyana’s Essequibo River, which early explorers claimed was filled with mysterious giants.

Renewal Status: I don’t know. It’s been on for four seasons already, so I guess people like it.

Hatfields & McCoys (The History Channel 9pm) A Hatfield murders a McCoy; Randall McCoy’s daughter and Devil Anse Hatfield’s son begin a forbidden love affair.

Here’s hoping that Kevin Costner has learned how to maintain an accent for more than 3.8 seconds at a time: this isn’t 1991.

Cake Boss (TLC 9pm) Premiere: Buddy makes a cake for Baby Carlo’s first birthday; Marissa learns what it means to be part of the crew; Grace gets fed up with Mary’s lateness.

Or you could just look at pictures of the cakes online and save yourself from listening to all of the yelling.

Monster In-Laws (A&E 10pm) Premiere: A grandmother’s dying wish is for her troubled family to reconcile, but a mother-in-law’s brutal honesty threatens any possible happy ending.

My mother-in-law thinks she’s brutally honest. Mostly she’s just brutal.

Bethenny Ever After (Bravo 10pm) Finale: The Skinnygirl gang has a party; Julie’s departure nears; Bethenny and Jason move into their new apartment, but are sent packing again.

Renewal Status: No freaking clue. Lots of stuff about it being renewed for season three, but I guess they haven’t decided either way on season four yet.

Extreme Couponing (TLC 10pm) Premiere: Erin’s unorganized method may be her downfall; Dominique and his frat brothers use their stockpile for an epic college party.

4,000 rolls of toilet paper and a lifetime’s supply of chicken broth definitely say epic college party to me.

What will you be watching tonight?

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