Tuesday, May 1
May Day is traditionally celebrated by dancing around phallic symbols, leaving baskets of flowers and/or edible goodies on people’s doorsteps, burning witches in effigy, and protesting unfair labor conditions. It is left up to the conscience of each individual celebrant whether or not to do all of these things simultaneously.
The Biggest Loser (NBC 8pm) Finale: Former contestants reunite and reveal how much weight they have lost; one of the three finalists wins the grand prize.
I want to see them all pulling little red wagons full of fat. Because that is gross and funny.
Glee (Fox 8pm) Kurt and Rachel audition for the New York Academy of the Dramatic Arts; after a meeting with his father, Puck makes a decision about the future.
The preview commercials hint at humiliation and failure for Rachel. Also, Whoopi guest stars! I might actually watch this episode.
Dancing With the Stars (ABC 9pm) The couples face elimination; Gavin DeGraw performs.
If you ask me how I’m doing/I would say I’m doing just fine/I would lie and say my loss ain’t on my mind/But I throw darts at a picture of Jaleel White on my wall/And finally I’m forced to face the truth/I want that mirrorball; Urkel, fuck you.
The Voice (NBC 9pm) The contestants face elimination; performances by Dia Frampton with Kid Cudi, Vicci Martinez with Cee Lo, and Cyndi Lauper with Beverly McClellan.
Beverly McClellan is the only Voice contestant I actually remember.
New Girl (Fox 9pm) The gang worries that Jess and Nick may take a step backward when they run into their exes, Paul (Justin Long) and Caroline (Mary Elizabeth Ellis); Schmidt faces a delicate medical issue.
Is it wrong that I love to watch Justin Long cry on this show?
The Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo 9pm) Gretchen performs.
So I would recommend skipping dinner if you’re planning on watching this.
Mysteries at the Museum (The Travel Channel 9pm) Episode: Boston Molasses Disaster; D.B. Cooper: Buddy Holly Curse
From a historical plaque at the site of the Boston Molasses Disaster: On January 15, 1919, a molasses tank at 529 Commercial Street exploded under pressure, killing 21 people. A 40-foot wave of molasses buckled the elevated railroad tracks, crushed buildings and inundated the neighborhood. Structural defects in the tank combined with unseasonably warm temperatures contributed to the disaster. It is sometimes referred to as the “Boston Molassacre.”
Dance Moms: Miami (Lifetime 10pm) A duet brings out issues between the girls and their mothers; Kimmy must portray a sinister character in her solo performance.
But which one will she be? I’m voting for the guy with the monocle.
16 and Pregnant (MTV 10pm) Myranda: A Texan learns that raising a baby strains a relationship.
I just don’t know where to begin with this one.
Best Ink (Oxygen 10pm) The artists try to satisfy their clients’ animal love with pet-themed tattoos; one eccentric lady’s demands seem almost impossible to achieve.
Look, baby hedgehogs!
What will you be watching tonight?
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