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Wednesday, June 20
On this date in 1893, Lizzie Borden was acquitted of the brutal hatchet murders of her father and stepmother. While there have been many speculations over the years as to whether or not she was actually guilty, and many other suspects have been hypothesized, you have to admit that Ms. Borden is rocking some seriously crazy eyes.
Justin Bieber: All Around the World (NBC 8pm) Cameras follow the touring superstar over 12 days and through seven countries, leading to a special performance in New York.
The fact that Justin Bieber is more than just a one-hit-wonder is a far more profound joke on the universe than anything I could possibly have to say about him.
So You Think You Can Dance (Fox 8pm) Dancers head to Las Vegas for the callback round.
It’s always fun when people who weren’t quite good enough the first time around express shock and dismay at being not quite good enough during the second round of auditions.
Baby Daddy (ABC Family 8:30pm) Premiere: A 20-something bachelor bartender becomes an unlikely parent when an ex-girlfriend leaves a baby girl on his doorstep.
What happens when you put Raising Hope, Three Men and a Baby, My Two Dads, and a laugh track in a blender?
How funny. That incompetent man fastened his baby’s diaper on with duct tape. It wasn’t funny the first fifteen time I saw the exact same gimmick on about 53 other shows, but now I really get it. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Million Dollar Listing: Los Angeles (Bravo 9pm) Madison crashes Josh Altman’s broker’s open to confront him; Josh Flagg’s grandmother bonds with a client.
Josh Flagg’s grandmother should have her own show.
Duets (ABC 9:30pm) The stars and their partners perform songs from their favorite movie soundtracks.
Many vicious games of roshambo were played in order to determine who gets to sing Dirty Dancing‘s “(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life.”
Inside Men (BBC America 10pm) Premiere: The manager of a cash counting depot faces an armed robbery and fear for his family.
So as best as I can tell, the premise for the program is this: Man runs cash counting depot (which is vastly dissimilar to the Home Depot.) Man gets robbed. Man thinks, “Hmm, why didn’t I ever rob the place myself?” Shenangians ensue.
Futurama (Comedy Central 10pm) Premiere: Bender fathers a child with the office soda machine; an ancient prophecy predicts the world will end in 3012.
Having looked quite in-depth at the crap on the nightly TV listings virtually every night for the past 6 months, I am extremely confident that humanity will bring about its own destruction long before 3012, due primarily to brain atrophy. Also:
Health Inspectors (Food Network 10pm) Premiere: Big Momma’s Chicken and Waffles — This Southern food hot spot, with numerous health code violations, needs help to come up to code before its next inspection.
Honestly, if the clientele are able to survive the massive amounts of cholesterol that is ingested with every meal, why worry about a few rat feces in the chicken batter?
Diamond Divers (Spike 10pm) Premiere: Six Americans hunting for diamonds in South Africa find that the trade is a brutal business full of shark-infested waters.
The Goonies lied to us all.
School Spirits (SyFy 10pm) Premiere: Sorority sisters moved into a huge old house; disturbing things began to happen immediately; a figure of a young man terrorized the ladies.
As if sorority life weren’t already hellish enough.
What will you be watching tonight?
Have an event or factoid that you’d like to share with the ‘Gasm? Want to draw more people’s attention to your favorite show? Hit me up on Twitter @SuburBint or email me at SuburBint@gmail.com, and I will do my best to hook you up!