Tonight’s Top 10 Shows, Tuesday, May 8

Wednesday, May 8

On this date in 1886, pharmacist John Pemberton first sold Coca-Cola. It sold for 5¢ a glass as a patent medicine that Pemberton claimed would help with such ailments as headaches, dyspepsia, impotence, and morphine addiction. This miracle treatment probably had a whole lot more to do with the 9mg of cocaine per glass than it did with the supposedly beneficial carbonated water that it contained.

Last Man Standing (ABC 8pm) Finale: When Vanessa’s sister (Christina Moore) visits, Mike assumes he is about to be confronted with another loan request; Kyle worries what Mike will think when Kristen and Kyle break up.

If I were Mike I’d be more worried about whether or not ABC decides to pick this up for another season. Renewal status: Unknown.

Glee (Fox 8pm) Prom-asaurus: After prom king and queen nominations are announced, some students start campaigning while others organize a rival celebration.

Based on the above description, I was a little worried that this is going to be another Very Special Episode about inclusion and whatnot, but the theme of the prom is dinosaurs, so I think that will alleviate any heavy-handed moralizing. (Dinosaurs!)

Dancing With the Stars (ABC 9pm) The couples face elimination; Chris Brown performs.

Can anybody please explain to me why everybody’s acting like the whole beating Rhianna’s pretty face in never happened? Why is Chris Brown enjoying such an upsurge in popularity? BOO! Oops, now I’m moralizing after just giving Glee crap for the same thing.

Sorry about that.

The Voice (NBC 9pm) Finale: The winner is revealed; Justin Bieber, Flo Rida, Lady Antebellum, Daryl Hall and John Oates perform.

If anybody was wondering how Cee-Lo was going to keep paying for cat food, and not that there was ever any doubt, but — Renewal Status: Renewed. Of course.

New Girl (Fox 9pm) Finale: One of the roommates decides to move out; Winston faces his fear of the dark; Cece and Schmidt’s relationship reaches a crossroads; Jess and Nick face off with a coyote.

Fun fact: The original title for New Girl was “Chicks and Dicks.” Network television has come a long way in the past 20 years, but I guess they’re still not ready to air a show with the word “dick” in the title. Also

Renewal status: Renewed!

Unforgettable (CBS 10pm) Finale: Carrie follows the trail of her sister’s killer to Syracuse, where the murderer may have struck again.

Here’s hoping they catch the guy (girl? I don’t know, you couldn’t pay me to watch this. Unless it was like $500 an hour) because: Renewal status — Unknown, but not looking too good.

Dance Moms: Miami (Lifetime 10pm)  Susan wonders if choreography was too artistic.

This is code for, “I think my child is being hyper-sexualized, and it makes me uncomfortable, but I’m really afraid that if I say that out loud I’ll look like a prude and/or a dumbass.”

16 and Pregnant (MTV 10pm) A party girl decides to change her ways for her daughter.

I’ve noticed a pattern to the 16 & pregnant story lines: 1) girl with unrealiable/cheating/immature/druggie boyfriend has to raise the baby by herself; 2) girl with unreliable/brutish/unsupportive/druggie parents moves in with her boyfriend to raise the baby pretty much by herself; 3) “party girl” gets pregnant, cleans up her act, has the baby, then either dumps the baby on her mom and returns to her partying ways or else her friends and boyfriend bail on her when she proves committed to setting a better example for her child, leaving her to raise the baby by herself. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Best Ink (Oxygen 10pm) The final four contestants are asked to create tribute tattoos to Michael Jackson judged by his brother, Jermaine Jackson.

A) Any thing these artist come up with is going to be miles better than this atrocity. B) I’m pretty sure the “He touched so many…” was not intended satirically.

Dream Machines (SyFy 10pm) The brothers have only 30 days to transform WWE Superstar John Cena’s Corvette into a one-of-a-kind Dream Machine.

And if they don’t do it, John Cena is going to come over there and put an STFU on their asses.

What will you be watching tonight?

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