The Marquis de Sade was born on this date in 1740. Apparently television programmers across the globe are celebrating his birthday by airing absolutely abysmal shows this evening in order to torture us for their own pleasure. So let’s move on, shall we?
Ernest Lawrence Thayer’s poem “Casey at the Bat” was published for the first time on this date in 1888.
Secret Millionaire (ABC 8pm) Premiere: Millionaire Scott Jacobs and his daughter, Alexa, spend six days in Newark, N.J., volunteering and deciding which people they meet are most deserving of a windfall.
Is there a way to identify and “accidentally” cross paths with the secret millionaires? I can be very humble and deserving when I need to be.
Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition (ABC 9pm) Premiere: Chris helps a man whose struggle with weight has left him jobless and put strain on his relationship.
“Move that ass! Move that ass! Move that ass!”
The Glades (A&E 9pm) Premiere: Jim and Carlos investigate the death of a wealthy man who left his fortune to a band of UFO enthusiasts; Callie has trouble finding a job in Palm Glade.
It’s like CSI: Miami, minus David Caruso and plus some reasonably competent acting.
Game of Thrones (HBO 9pm) Finale: Theon incites his men to action; Luwin offers advice; Brienne silences Jaime; Arya receives a gift; Dany goes to a strange place; Jon proves himself.
All men must die. Renewal status: Renewed, which is hardly a surprise. There are three more books to get through, not counting the two more that G.R.R. Martin has promised for the series. All men must serve.
Ice Road Truckers (The History Channel 9pm) Premiere: Alex heads farther north than ever before on the deadly Dempster; Hugh and Rick face an impossible task on the thin ice of Manitoba’s winter roads; Jack Jessee returns to lead a pack of hungry new drivers.
Drop Dead Diva (Lifetime 9pm) Premiere: Kim discovers that the firm is in financial trouble; Teri is sent to bring Jane home; Grayson comes to terms with his feelings; Fred moves on with his new girlfriend; Stacy seeks the advice of a relationship guru.
Kim Kardashian in a scripted show. If the universe implodes, we’ll all know why.
2012 MTV Music Awards (MTV, MTV2, VH1 9pm) From Universal City, Calif.; presenters include Emma Stone, Andrew Garfield, Charlize Theron, Michael Fassbender, Mila Kunis and Mark Wahlberg.
We should live-tweet this; I’d volunteer to organize it, but I’ll be washing my hair Sunday night.
Longmire (A&E 10pm) Premiere: A widowed Wyoming sheriff works to overcome the pain of his wife’s death by dedicating himself to his job.
Based on a series of mystery novels, apparently. That’s rarely a good sign.
Call of the Wildman (Animal Planet 10pm) Premiere: A beaver creates a dangerous situation when it attacks the support beams of a coal mine; a tornado’s aftermath dumps dangerous chemicals into a turtle-filled pond.
The show follows a man who willingly goes by the moniker “Turtleman.” I can’t imagine why they didn’t use that as the name of the show.
Head Games (The Discovery Channel 10pm) Premiere: Line-jumping reaction; seeing something that’s not there; continuing to follow directions that make no sense; cracking under an intense stare.
Narrated by John Krasinski. That’s going to make me take it seriously.
What will you be watching this weekend?
Have an event or factoid that you’d like to share with the ‘Gasm? Want to draw more people’s attention to your favorite show? Hit me up on Twitter @SuburBint or email me at SuburBint@gmail.com, and I will do my best to hook you up!
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