Tonight’s Top 10 Shows: Weekend Edition

Saturday, June 30

On this date in 1882, the remarkably odd and delusional Charles Guiteau was hanged for the assassination of President James Garfield. He believed that this act was necessary for the future health and stability of the United States, and in his trial he even claimed that, while it was his hand holding the gun that fired the shot, he was merely acting on orders from God, meaning that “the Deity” was the one truly responsible for Garfield’s death (in actuality, it was careless and incompetent medical care that caused a non-fatal wound to result in death, but that’s another story.) For more information regarding Guiteau, I would highly recommend reading Sarah Vowell’s Assassination Vacation.

My Cat From Hell (Animal Planet 8pm) Premiere: Two feuding felines threaten a couple’s impending honeymoon.

It would appear that someone is only familiar with one definition of the word “pussy.”

Boxing (Showtime 9pm) Bundrage battles Spinks for the IBF light middleweight title. Also: Gary Russell Jr. vs. Luis Franco; Erislandy Lara vs. Freddy Hernandez. From Indio, Calif.

Men hit each other and some of them win money while people wearing tuxedos and evening gowns pay for the privilege of getting flecks of blood, sweat, and spittle flung at them.

Great Escape (TNT 9pm) After being locked in Alcatraz, three teams must break out of their cells and avoid guards in order to win the challenge.

This is exactly what they said was happening last week, so either the contestants really suck, it’s a rerun, or somebody screwed up on the TV listings.

Serial Killer Earth (The History Channel 2 10pm) Episode: Hurricane Attacks Weatherman

In other news, man bites dog. It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world.

Sunday, July 1

“I’m gonna rock your body every day, I’m gonna rock your body ’til Canada Day.” Which, incidentally, is today so the clock’s ticking on that offer.

Secret Millionaire (ABC 8pm) Author Steve Kaplan travels to Chicago seeking individuals deserving of donations.

Sadly, this isn’t the Dr. Stephen Kaplan who was a paranormal investigator and vampirologist, because he died in 1995. Although considering his line of work, I suppose his death shouldn’t rule him out entirely.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians (E! 9pm) Kris’s medical condition.

I didn’t realize there was actually an ICD-9 code for being an overbearing, meddlesome twat.

Food Network Star (FOOD 9pm) Episode: Deen Family Beach Party

The bad news is, they use mayonnaise as sunscreen, which has an SPF factor of like -27. The good news is, everyone involved will be dead of congestive heart failure long before the skin cancer has a chance to set in.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo 10pm) Teresa and her brother, Joe discuss their issues in therapy.

THERAPY can be come the new THE CHRISTENING or THE POOL PARTY or whatever mild familial snafu they’re currently all hung up on.

Snark Wranglers (The History Channel 10pm) Premiere: By decoding the global puzzle of the animal’s movement and behavior, the team launches a mission to catch and tag 50 great whites in a race to save the species from extinction.

Here’s hoping they don’t only tag females.

Weeds (Showtime 10pm) Premiere: The family follows when the victim is rushed to the hospital; hypotheses are made about the shooter’s identity.

If Nancy Botwin doesn’t get her iced-latte sipping little ass killed good and proper by the end of this season, I’m killing her myself. For the good of humanity.

What will you be watching this weekend?

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