Tonight’s Top 10 Shows: Weekend Edition

In honor of World Tuberculosis Day, let’s all cover our coughs and stop spitting on the sidewalk.

Saturday, March 24

Q’Viva! The Chosen (Fox 8pm) After performers audition, Jennifer, Marc and Jamie must choose which artists will advance in the competition.

That’s Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, boys and girls. The best way to watch this show (unless you speak Spanish) is to MS3K it, and pretend everything JLo and Skeletor say is a pointed comment about the other.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo 8pm) Episode: The Social Edition

I’ve often wondered what “The Social Edition” episodes were about on the Real Housewives shows, but I’ve never been brave enough to find out.

The Firm (NBC 9pm) An inmate on death row wants to help the family he wronged; Tammy receives an inheritance that causes tension in her relationship with Ray; the gang learns more about Sarah Holt.

The best way to watch this show is… just don’t.

Being Human (BBC America 9pm) A teenage vampire and his lover wreak havoc at Honolulu Heights.

Googling “Honolulu Heights” turns up this fascinating bit of trivia: “In Being Human, the bed and breakfast features as a home for vampires, werewolves and other supernatural beings, but in real life the property is just an ordinary house.” I’m sure we’ll all sleep better knowing that.

Color Splash (HGTV 9pm) The decoration of a house’s first floor is inspired by “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn.”

Of three things I was certain: First, I am an overly obsessive fan. Second, there is a part of me, and I’m not sure how dominant that part is, that knows I am a tool. And finally, my bank account is totally and irrevocably smaller now.

Sunday, March 25

Whiskey Business (CMT 7pm) Framed for murder, the son of a gangster tries to hide in a small Tennessee town.

Pauly Shore. Playing a Jersey Shore-esque Guido. Hell yes, I’m watching this.

Once Upon a Time (ABC 8pm) During her search for Mary Margaret, Emma is kidnapped by a mad man with an affinity for hats; the evil queen hires a man of magic.

Well, now we know what happened to Bartholomew Cubbins when he grew up.

The Amazing Race (CBS 8pm) Two teams hit the hay to see how they stack up; the racers take an oily detour in Azerbaijan.

Azerbaijan has a university called the Azerbaijan State Oil Academy.

The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC 9pm) When the teams are tasked with putting on a party to promote a drink mix, one group creates a beach experience, while the other goes with a Garden of Eden theme.

Lisa Lampanelli read last week’s recap. But no pressure, Luscious!

Mad Men (AMC 9pm) Season Premiere: Pete and Roger butt heads, and Joan clashes with a houseguest.

If you’re a Mad Men fan, do yourself a favor and click here. You’re welcome.

What will you be watching this weekend?