Monday, Jan. 2nd
Hold on. Just let me get rid of this bimbo…
The Bachelor (ABC, 8 pm) Ben Flajnik returns to the mansion for the season’s first cocktail party; a septuagenarian confesses her love for Ben; a bachelorette shows up at the mansion on a horse.
Ben and Levi the horse have been spotted canoodling in Aspen after the show wrapped; Chris Harrison says he’s close friends with both Ben and Levi, but he’s giving nothing away.
2 Broke Girls (CBS, 8:30 pm) While immersed in her couponing obsession, Caroline learns the secret ingredient in Max’s cupcakes.
Fear Factor (NBC, 9 pm) The teams face stunts that include retrieving flags in a car suspended in the air by helicopters and drinking an insect concoction.
The Bachelor and Fear Factor split the cost of a helicopter each week. If its used in Fear Factor first, Joe Rogan makes Chris Harrison hose the barf out.
Hawaii Five-O (CBS, 10 pm) When a teenager is murdered, the team must determine why she was targeted and if the person responsible was a hired professional.
She was a teenager. Maybe she was just being insufferable.
Celebrity Wife Swap (ABC, 10 pm) Two women from celebrity families with different backgrounds trade places for one week.
Tracey teaches Carnie how to drive drunk, and Carnie teaches Tracey have to lose 22 dresses, pose for Playboy, and then gain all the weight back again.
It’s a Brad, Brad World (Bravo, 10 pm) Brad Goreski, a former styling assistant to Rachel Zoe, embarks on his own career in the cutthroat world of fashion styling.
Rachel Zoe created Brad by budding and then pinching him off. Like an amoeba.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo, 9:00 pm) Taylor copes with her troubled marriage while the rest of the women go to Hawaii for a get away except Kim keeps missing her flight.
Taylor encourages Russel’s new hobby of knot tying; Brandi regrets her decision to fly to Hawaii with four women who openly hate her; an airport drug-sniffing dog becomes fascinated with Kim.
On the Record with Greta Van Susterern (Fox News Channel, 10 pm) From Des Moines, Iowa.
There are only two possible stories coming out of Iowa: the caucus for the Republican nomination, or a corn weevil infestation. And it would take an investigative journalist to figure out the difference.
Bless her heart.
Extreme Clutter (OWN, 10 pm) Mackenzie Phillips’ clutter cannot be remedied until she deals with past issues.
Maybe she should start with the issue of her face.
The Layover (Travel Channel, 9 pm) Tony meets some new friends and discovers that there’s more to Amsterdam than just the red light district.
Like Tony, I guess I just pictured Amsterdam as one big whorehouse wreathed in pot smoke.