Tonight’s Top 10 TV Shows, Mon., Jan. 2nd

Watercooler

By NotWithoutMyTV | Monday, January 2, 2012 | 12:00 am | 5 Comments
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Posted in: Tonight's Top 10 Shows, Watercooler

Monday, Jan. 2nd

Hold on. Just let me get rid of this bimbo…

The Bachelor (ABC, 8 pm) Ben Flajnik returns to the mansion for the season’s first cocktail party; a septuagenarian confesses her love for Ben; a bachelorette shows up at the mansion on a horse.

Ben and Levi the horse have been spotted canoodling in Aspen after the show wrapped;  Chris Harrison says he’s close friends with both Ben and Levi, but he’s giving nothing away.

2 Broke Girls (CBS, 8:30 pm) While immersed in her couponing obsession, Caroline learns the secret ingredient in Max’s cupcakes.

It’s love.

Fear Factor (NBC, 9 pm) The teams face stunts that include retrieving flags in a car suspended in the air by helicopters and drinking an insect concoction.

The Bachelor and Fear Factor split the cost of a helicopter each week. If its used in Fear Factor first, Joe Rogan makes Chris Harrison hose the barf out.

Hawaii Five-O (CBS, 10 pm) When a teenager is murdered, the team must determine why she was targeted and if the person responsible was a hired professional.

She was a teenager. Maybe she was just being insufferable.

Celebrity Wife Swap (ABC, 10 pm) Two women from celebrity families with different backgrounds trade places for one week.

Tracey teaches Carnie how to drive drunk, and Carnie teaches Tracey have to lose 22 dresses, pose for Playboy, and then gain all the weight back again.

It’s a Brad, Brad World (Bravo, 10 pm) Brad Goreski, a former styling assistant to Rachel Zoe, embarks on his own career in the cutthroat world of fashion styling.

Rachel Zoe created Brad by budding and then pinching him off. Like an amoeba.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo, 9:00 pm) Taylor copes with her troubled marriage while the rest of the women go to Hawaii for a get away except Kim keeps missing her flight.

Taylor encourages Russel’s new hobby of knot tying; Brandi regrets her decision to fly to Hawaii with four women who openly hate her; an airport drug-sniffing dog becomes fascinated with Kim.

On the Record with Greta Van Susterern (Fox News Channel, 10 pm) From Des Moines, Iowa.

There are only two possible stories coming out of Iowa: the caucus for the Republican nomination, or a corn weevil infestation. And it would take an investigative journalist to figure out the difference.

Bless her heart.

Extreme Clutter (OWN, 10 pm) Mackenzie Phillips’ clutter cannot be remedied until she deals with past issues.

Maybe she should start with the issue of her face.

The Layover (Travel Channel, 9 pm) Tony meets some new friends and discovers that there’s more to Amsterdam than just the red light district.

Like Tony, I guess I just pictured Amsterdam as one big whorehouse wreathed in pot smoke.

By day, I'm an editor. That means I get a cruel thrill out of identifying the parts of other people's creative projects that suck, and alerting those people to said suckage. Sometimes, I get paid for it. I've been known to lose my appetite after seeing how a Thai menu has folded, spindled, and mutilated the Queen's English. Imagine what TV does to me! I guess that's why I wanted to be a recapper at TVgasm. My friends have heard all of my rants, and they are sick of them. TVgasm is a whole new captive audience! So, let's make a compact, you and I: you agree to read my recaps and take what amusement you can from them, and I agree to put into the print the outrageous observations about the show that you thought, but were too PC to say. Let's share our joyous rage after wasting another perfectly good hour in front of the television.

Oh, and I still believe that Magnum, P.I. was the greatest show on television. Although I have not seen Thomas Magnum fishtail that Ferrari in the opening credits since I was 14. If Magnum, P.I. actually sucked, keep your damn squeal hole shut and don't ruin it for me, OK?

5 Comments

  1. 1
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted January 2, 2012 at 7:46 am

    Upon closer look at the Levi/Ben/As-yet undifferentiated crazy chick, is that dookie behind Levi? Bad horse! Bad!

    I feel kind of bad making fun of McKenzie Phillips’ face. Not enough to have changed it when I felt the first twinges of guilt, but a little. Her face wasn’t her choice. But boinking her own dad for 10 years was.

    And if helps at all, the contestants on Wife Swap are Tracy Gold and Carnie Wilson. Now the joke probably makes sense. Maybe.

  2. 2
    itchy
    Posted January 2, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Oh that’s right, I forgot about her father fuckin’ thing. Hope she made lots of money off of THAT revelation. But I’m glad to see that she’s able to make a career in television. Even if it’s only in exposing her shame and depravity.

    On a lighter note, why am I so happy there’s a new season of The Bachelor? It makes no sense. And yet, there it is. Here’s hoping they push the format and make every episode THREE hours long!

  3. 3
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted January 2, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    Oh, I’m glad you reminded me. I’ve got Bachelor fans to bait over on EW!

  4. 4
    itchy
    Posted January 3, 2012 at 10:04 am

    You’re not “Lori”, are you? This season of Bachelor is going to be epic. Take one ultra-boring sad sack, mix him up with a houseful of psycho famewhores, add in a dose of the Greatest HostDouche of Them All — what could possible go wrong?

  5. 5
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted January 3, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Nope, that ain’t me. What generally goes wrong is that some people who apparently don’t get out much TOTALLY THINK THIS SHOW IS REAL. And they go all Toddlers and Tiaras sickhouse about it whenever anyone points out the fakey-bake. And they send HostDouche heartfelt pleas on EW.com to protect the heart of [insert hapless contestant here] and not to let the evil producers torture them, or they’ll never watch the show again. I imagine these midwestern grannies get their hearts smashed to pieces every season, patch them back together, and tune in for another disaster the next season.

    They are most excellent targets for interactive snarkage.

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