Tonight’s Top 10 TV Shows: Monday, Dec. 12

E! News (E!, 7 pm) Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic offer an often irreverent look at Hollywood happenings.

I bet having Alzheimer’s feels just like watching E! News.

Rolling with Zach (OWN, 8 pm) Zach Anner, who uses a wheelchair, participates in activities like rock climbing and sailing on the show.

Zach’s in a wheelchair. And the show is called “Rolling with Zach”. Good one, Oprah.

You Deserve It (ABC, 9 pm) A deputy sheriff tries to win money for his recently widowed mother.

Host douche Chris Harrison asks average (dumb) Americans trivia questions for the chance to win money to pay for their poor sick mother’s operation. No, really.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo, 9 pm) Pandora has her bachelorette party in Las Vegas.

Lisa instructs a stripper how to fuck Pandy properly, because she—like us—knows the gayancee isn’t going to do it.

Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9 pm) Chiropractor and single father Alan Harper lives in a beachfront house with his underachieving son, Jake, and divorced Internet billionaire Walden Schmidt, who moves in with the Harpers and offers to buy the house following the untimely death of Alan’s brother, Charlie, who owned the house and had lived there with Alan and Jake when the father and son moved in following Alan’s divorce.

They say if you have to explain a joke…

The Mortified Sessions (Sundance, 8 pm) Dave Nadelberg sits down for an offbeat, intimate, and unflinching conversation with Jennifer Grey.

Ask her why she got that stupid nose job.

Fear Factor (NBC, 8 pm) Family duos take part in stunts that include hanging from a speeding helicopter and eating scorpions that they must retrieve from the grill of a semi truck.

That guy from News Radio is back to make people eat venomous bugs like it’s going out of style. And then…

Fear Factor (NBC, 9 pm) Four teams of executives face stunts that include escaping from a submerged car and climbing on top of a moving bus.

What do you call four executives in a submerged car? A good start.

The 700 Club (ABC Family, 11 pm) Holiday decorating and gift-giving; a man tells of having been a cocaine dealer and a sex addict.

Jesus slapped those dirty sex urges right outta me! He don’t seem to be helping me bend these boughs into a wreath, though…

Late Night with David Letterman (CBS, 11:35 pm): Actress Scarlett Johansson; TV host Julie Chen; the 2011 Heisman Trophy winner presents the Top Ten List.

Scarlett shows Dave her cleavage; the Chenbot shows Dave the empty place where her personality chip should be.