Saturday, Dec. 10
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer (CBS, 8 pm): The reindeer with the incandescent nose guides Santa’s sleigh through a bad storm on Christmas Eve.
She thinks I’m cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!
2011 Video Games Awards (MTV2, 8 pm): The best video games of the year are recognized.
It’s Saturday night and you’re watching this? Go out and get laid!
The American Giving Awards (ABC, 8 pm): Festivities at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in Los Angeles honor deserving charities in the United States; Bob Costas hosts.
This actually sounds even less interesting than the Republican national debate.
COPS (Fox, 8:30 pm): An officer in Texas is forced to chase a suspect on foot; officers in Florida respond to a late-night call at a local motel.
The next time you see a neighborhood cop, thank him for dealing with your town’s human detritus.
Footloose (CMT, 8:30 pm): A hip Chicago teen moves to a Midwestern town where, thanks to a pastor, dancing is outlawed.
You know what my favorite Kevin Bacon movie is? ALL OF ‘EM.
Terra Nova (Fox, 9 pm): Jim and Taylor investigate a murder in the colony; Skye helps Josh figure out how to bring his girlfriend from 2149 to the past.
No, Jeff Goldblum isn’t in it. And no, I don’t know why you’d watch this, either.
Republican National Debate (9 pm): GOP presidential candidates discuss issues in Des Moines, Iowa; moderated by Diane Sawyer and George Stephanopoulos.
You’ll pay for the whole seat, BUT YOU’LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!!!!
Storage Wars (A&E, 9pm): The buyers journey to the affluent neighborhood of Westminster, Calif.; Barry discovers an antique medical device.
And gets caught sticking his wiener into it.
Sabado Gigante (Univision, 9 pm): Programa de entretenimiento conducido por “Don Francisco” con invitados, concursos, reportajes y mucho más.
I don’t speak Spanish, but I guarantee you that whatever this show is, it will be more interesting than listening to Romney and the also-rans bloviate.
Snowmageddon (SyFy, 9 pm): Disaster strikes when a snow globe affects events in the real world.
Hate it when that happens.
Sunday, Dec. 11
Once Upon a Time (ABC 8 pm): One of Storybrooke’s residents starts to remember fairytale life; the town mourns a death; the Queen tries to find an assassin to kill Snow White.
But, why would anyone want to kill poor, sweet Margene?
Nature (PBS, 8 pm): The elephant matriarch Echo, leader of a carefully studied herd in Africa, died of natural causes in 2009.
Wildlife news that doesn’t involve panda bear sex takes a while to filter down to us.
How Will the World End (Discovery, 8 pm): Samuel L. Jackson hosts an exploration into how likely a global apocalypse is, from a scientific point of view.
The world won’t end. Samuel L. Jackson will kill it.
The Good Wife (CBS, 9 pm): When a very public sex and political corruption scandal lands her husband in jail, housewife Alicia Florrick must get past the humiliation and betrayal and assume responsibility for her family.
Does Chris North remind you of a creepy, giant-sized Eddie Munster?
Family Guy (Fox, 9 pm): After Lois’ father falls asleep while driving, the family becomes concerned and decides to check out retirement communities in Florida.
All he did was fall asleep? My mother-in-law ran over line of daycare kids. They were all roped together. Poor little fuckers couldn’t even dodge.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo, 9 pm): Kim gives birth; Cynthia and Nene go on a business trip; Sheree decides to take Bob to court; Phaedra wins a case.
Kim gives birth; the newborn immediately files for emancipation.
Chef Roble & Co. (Bravo, 10 pm): Chef Roble balances a product launch for Kandi Burruss and a dinner party for Matisyahu.
I don’t even know who this jerkpants is, but he’s on Bravo and he’s got a fauxhawk, so I hate him.
Local Programming (Fox, 10 pm): News from your area.
A silver fox and an Asian newsbabe gleefully fill you in on local violence and corruption before whoring the newscast out to promote a Fox show.
C.S.I. Miami (CBS, 10 pm): The team investigates the murder of the mother of a very young beauty-pageant contestant.
David Caruso has kept the running joke of his character going for YEARS; Joaquin Phoenix could’ve learned a lot from him.
Kourtney and Kim Take New York (E, 10 pm): No title for this episode.
Because really, why bother?
Watch What Happens Live (Bravo, 11 pm): Actress Tracee Ellis Ross; reality TV star Phaedra Parks.
Phaedra gives Andy tips on how to trick an ex-con into marriage.